It’s Saturday. Mum and Dad have gone to Carpet Right, and my cousin Leanne has come round to look after us and do Mum’s ironing.
My sister Jenny and brother Josh are playing Hungry Hippos. I’m not playing because Josh is cheating by grabbing all balls and shoving them in his hippos’ mouth.
I’m so bored! I lie upside down on the sofa with my head touching the floor, and talk to Leanne while she does the ironing. I ask her lots of questions like: Is she still going out with Swany Kid? Does she like Lasagne? Does Swany Kid like Lasagne? Has she ever been on a dual carriageway?
She just answers yes or no, until I ask her what Swany Kids real name is. She says it's really Gaz, but he’s been called Swany Kid ever since Tall Paul said his mum looks like a Swan. She always wears a white jacket, has a long neck, and uses a lot of black eye make-up.
Leanne’s puts her headphones on. I ring Nanny Pam and ask her what she’s up to. She says she’s going to look at bathrooms in Homebase with Colin. She says I can come, but I say I don’t want to.
The last time I went to Homebase with Nanny Pam we were there three hours, and they wouldn’t even let me go to Pet City next door afterwards, because Colin doesn’t like the snakes.
My cousin Craig says he taught the parrot in Pet City the F-word, but Nanny Pam said that’s a load of rubbish, it can only say the S-word and Hello.
I ring my Uncle Mark to ask him what number the Horoscopes are on Teletext. His home number just keeps ringing, so I call the work one in the address book. He tells me that I should write the numbers down, as I can’t keep ringing him at work just to see what crap Mystic Meg has to say.
I read my horoscope, which says, a situation at work is getting out of hand, and I’ll have to confront it before I can move on.
I don’t like it when my horoscope says stuff about jobs and money, because I don’t have a job or any money, but if it’s about love I can think about Tom from school.
I go into the kitchen to make myself some lunch, there’s not much food in the house, so I just make a salt and butter batch. I make one for Leanne too, she says it’s the weirdest batch she’s ever had, and just has a few bites.
Mum and Dad come back, I tell them that this has been the most boring day of my life. Dad says he’s had the most boring day of his life too, at Carpet Right.
I go upstairs and look out the window for a bit with Jenny. Our next-door neighbor Carol is in her garden, we like to spy on her sometimes to see what she’s up to. Jenny says she saw her digging a big hole in her garden a few weeks ago.
Dad tells us to come downstairs. He has set up a game of Gladiators in the living room. Dad’s Wolf, Josh is Shadow, Mum’s John Anderson and Jenny and Me are the Contenders. We play until Josh falls asleep on the Travelator, which is a duvet on the stairs.