EASTER

 

5am 

It’s Easter. Jenny and me have woken up extra early because we are so excited.

We’re watching Dad’s Die Hard Two video, eating chocolate and playing a game called Smash An Egg On Your Stupid Head. We take it in turns to put a pan on our head, then drop Easter Eggs from the top of the stairs onto each other so they smash.

11am

Grandad has come round with his new wife Candy. Mum and Dad are still in bed so I tell Grandad and Candy to wait on the sofa. I make them a cup of tea, but have to use the hot tap because the kettles broken.

 Grandad says it’s the worst cuppa he has ever had, and I’d have to learn how to make a decent one if I ever want a husband. Jenny says it’s a good job we don’t ever want to get married, Grandad tells her not to be cheeky.

Grandad gives us a Father Christmas shaped Easter Egg each, Candy says they’re still in date.

11.20am

Mum comes downstairs and I go into the kitchen to help her make another cup of tea for Grandad. I tell her what Grandad said to me about getting a husband. She says ‘if I want a sexist arse of a husband like Grandad, then I should learn to make a good cup of tea, otherwise don’t bother’.

11.30am

Grandad asks Mum if she likes Candy’s new hair, mum says ‘yes it’s very different’. Grandad asks Mum what type of fish Candy’s hair is. Mum says she doesn’t know what he’s on about. Grandad says ‘it’s a Red Mullet’ and laughs on his own for a while.

12pm

The phone rings on the table next to Grandad and I answer it. It’s Nanny Pam. She says she’s coming round in a bit, to give us our Easter eggs. I’m worried because Nanny Pam and Grandad don’t like each other any more.

Grandad asks me 'if that was Pamela?’ I say it was. He says ‘when she comes round, tell her she owes me at least fifty quid for selling all my stuff at the car boot sale. Some of that crap was priceless’.

 Candy says she wants to leave because she has to get home to record Look Who’s Talking off the telly.

 

1pm

Grandad and Candy have left. Nanny Pam has come round with more Easter Eggs. She gives me Easter eggs from her and Colin, and a Cadburys Cream Egg with 50p sellotaped to it off my Aunty Irene. Aunty Irene isn’t my real aunty she’s just one of Nanny Pam’s friends from the fag counter in Tesco’s.

1.30pm

Nanny Pam has a coffee and asks me about Grandad and Candy. She asks if Candy wears nice clothes. I say Candy’s clothes are ok, but that her hair is a type of fish, a Red Mullet, which makes Nanny Pam laugh a lot.

I tell Nanny Pam that she owes Grandad at least fifty quid. She says he owes her the last twenty years of her life back, and the silver service set he nicked when he ran off with bootleg Barbie. 

4pm

Nanny Pam has gone. Me, Jenny and Dad, are sat on the sofa eating our Father Christmas Easter Eggs and watching Father Of The Bride. I tell Dad that I think this has been the best Easter of my life.