tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8381195509102347682024-03-12T19:47:54.051-07:00THE COVENTRY CONCHTHE COVENTRY CONCHhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09657138415385334847noreply@blogger.comBlogger38125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-838119550910234768.post-44700000130788803782019-04-28T10:46:00.000-07:002019-04-28T10:46:24.230-07:00THE JOB INTERVIEW<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<!--StartFragment-->
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-ILXx8DypYa8/XL3KofgDpmI/AAAAAAAAA4k/1A-nOPGTHfEvgs3j1VEdeNMKaG8fHjqYQCLcBGAs/s1600/DR%2BKARL.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="390" data-original-width="616" height="404" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-ILXx8DypYa8/XL3KofgDpmI/AAAAAAAAA4k/1A-nOPGTHfEvgs3j1VEdeNMKaG8fHjqYQCLcBGAs/s640/DR%2BKARL.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I need to get a job.
Nanny Pam hasn’t put the rates up for helping out on the car-boot since I was eight,
and I can’t live off a fiver a month forever.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My cousin's mate,
Michele, works pot washing in the local pub and said I could take one of her
shifts on Saturday night. I guess it’s because she’s got a new boyfriend and needs
extra time for dry humping him outside Happy Shopper. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
On Fridays I sometimes go around Nanny Pam’s for tea after
school. She’s a pretty bad cook, but she has two TV’s, which means I don’t have
to fight with anyone over what I want to watch. Nanny Pam usually watches the
same as me anyway: <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Neighbours</i>, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Home and Away</i>, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Emmerdale</i>, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">EastEnders</i>, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Coronation Street</i> and <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">The Bill. </i>In that order. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I watch the end of Blue Peter while I wait for Neighbours
to come on. Some kid's getting a badge for tap dancing with his pet dog at an
old people’s home. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Nanny Pam shouts from the kitchen, <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
‘I’m making scrambled egg on potato waffles tonight love, with a <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Marie Rose</i> sauce.’ <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
You’d think no-one could mess that up, but you haven’t met
Nanny Pam. She brings our little trays into the living room with dinner on. The
waffles look alright, but on top is a chopped up hard boiled egg with a grey
yolk, covered in a mixture of mayo and ketchup which people call <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Marie Rose,</i> so it sounds like it’s not just
mayo and ketchup.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Nanny Pam starts tucking in, ‘Ooooffff these scrambled eggs
are deeevine!’<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
‘Erm, this isn’t scrambled egg Nan’<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
‘Yes, it is’<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
‘It’s a chopped up boiled egg.’ <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
‘Yeah, making it scrambled, scrambled egg!’<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
‘No, it’s a hard boiled egg, that’s been chopped up,
scrambled egg is…Oh don’t worry, thanks, Nan’<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Neighbours</i> starts,
and it ended on a real cliff-hanger yesterday; I’m not missing out on Susan
finding out about Dr. Karl’s affair to teach Nanny Pam how to be Gary bloody
Rhodes!<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
After tea (and Susan going absolutely ape shit), I use Nanny
Pam’s phone to ring the number Michele gave me for the pub. I speak to the
manager who says I can come in for an interview tomorrow.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I put the phone down and tell Nanny Pam about the interview,<br />
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">‘An interview </i>to
wash up? For God’s sake, even Bonnie can wash up!’<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I think about Nanny Pam letting her fat old Yorkshire Terrier, Bonnie, lick all
the food off the dishes before Nanny Pam puts them in the dishwasher. I like
animals, but I think even Michaela Strachan would struggle with Bonnie. She’s proper
narky, and smells so bad that once, when Dad was mega hungover, he threw up
when she waddled into the living room.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Nanny Pam bought Bonnie before Grandad had an affair with the lady who works in 8tilLate, and they got divorced. Apparently, one night just before she kicked him out, Nanny Pam left Bonnie's dog food on the kitchen side, and when Grandad got home drunk from The Saracens Head he ate the lot thinking it was left-over lamb hotpot. Nanny Pam still laughs her head off a bit too much when she tells that story. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
When I get home that night, I start preparing for the
interview in my bedroom that I share with Jenny, who’s lying on the top bunk
listening to her Discman and eating a packet of Tomato Snaps. I lay my jeans,
t-shirt and Kappa tracksuit top out on the floor in a person shape to see if it
works as an outfit. Jenny looks down at me from the top bunk and pulls an
earphone out. I can hear Radiohead quietly being miserable.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
‘It’s just washing up, Hol!’<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I ignore her and route around under the bed for my Record of
Achievement that the teachers have been banging on about at school. It’s a fake
leather folder, where you put all your awards in and that. My form tutor said
we could take it to interviews. I pull it out and Jenny pipes up again, ‘I
don’t think they’re gonna be interested in your cycling proficiency certificate
and ten metre swimming badge!’<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
She’s probably right, but I don’t say anything. Anyway, I think she's just jealous because I'll be getting on the career ladder before her.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
‘You know Mikey Fitzpatrick's the manager there now. Didn’t he get
kicked out of school for lighting farts in the Geography huts?’<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I feel sick. Mikey was one of the popular lads in year ten
at my school when I was a massive loser in year seven. On my first week of seniors I fell up the stairs and one of my shoes fell off. Mikey was behind me and he
nicked it until the end of the day. To make things worse my daft old form tutor
bollocked <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">me</i> for wearing incorrect
uniform when I hobbled into afternoon registration.<br />
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Mikey’s wearing a baggy short sleeved blue shirt, tucked into
even baggier black trousers and has something crusty and yellow on his massive
purple tie that reaches all the way down to his half done up fly. I don’t think
he recognises me and I decide not to remind him of how we know each other.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
He picks up a manky piece of paper off a desk that has half a
pint of flat Tango and a massive calculator on it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Then he swallows a burp and starts reading
out questions on the paper like a reception kid in a Nativity play.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
‘Why...do...you...think...you...are...the...best..can..dee…date for...this...role?’<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
‘I wash up at home sometimes and I know how to use the
dishwasher at my nan’s. ‘<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
‘Can you give an example of when you’ve been a team player?’<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
‘I’m not very good at sport.’<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
‘How do you handle stressful situations?’<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I think about when I get stressed out at home...<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">I lie on the floor put Oasis* on, and stare
at the ceiling, but Mikey might </i>not be an Oasis fan so instead I say, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
‘Erm, I just try not to get stressed about stuff and that.’ <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
‘Can you give me an example of where you have delivered
excellent customer service.’<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
‘Erm, yeah, well erm, at my Nan’s car-boot once this woman
lost her dog, and I tried to help her find it.’<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
‘Did you find it?’<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
‘No’<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
‘Do you have any questions?’<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I think<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">, Yeah, do you
have egg or English mustard on your tie?<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
‘Erm…no’<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
‘Okay, we’ll let you know later, you know the way out right?.’<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
‘Yeah.’<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I get up and walk to the office door, pull it to open, then
pull again, and again, and again, then realise it’s a push. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Mikey rang back in the afternoon. I didn’t get the job. I get
dead upset for some reason and walk up the garden to be on my own. I sit on my
little brother, Josh’s, Space Hopper next to my dead cat’s grave and think
about how tragic my life is until I start crying<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Jenny comes out, squeezes inside Josh’s red plastic car on the garden path, and wheels up to me.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I say to her through sobs, ‘Even Bonnie can wash up!’<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Jenny says through the car windscreen, ‘That pub stinks of
farts anyway, and Mikey looks like he’s fallen out of someone’s arse these
days! Totally not worth missing Gladiators for!’<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I think she’s right and that Mikey probably had Coronation
Chicken on his tie, because I remember seeing it on the menu.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
*Ok M People too, but that’s only because Oasis is<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"> really</i> scratched.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
**It’s not <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">that </i>scratched.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<!--EndFragment--><br />THE COVENTRY CONCHhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09657138415385334847noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-838119550910234768.post-64688847308832547392019-01-27T11:52:00.000-08:002019-01-28T05:42:53.189-08:00THE SHOPPING TRIP<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Xmmh-nToNEU/XE4K2bdANjI/AAAAAAAAA3U/IuXWK5jmNXYDe_V0XWKtEg_ep6fzbDligCLcBGAs/s1600/West%2Borchards.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="414" data-original-width="615" height="430" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Xmmh-nToNEU/XE4K2bdANjI/AAAAAAAAA3U/IuXWK5jmNXYDe_V0XWKtEg_ep6fzbDligCLcBGAs/s640/West%2Borchards.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Tasha rang up this morning and asked if I wanted to go up
town with her. I really can’t be arsed, but I need to get Jenny a birthday
present, and there’s nothing decent on telly until Big Break, so I tell her I’ll
meet her outside Maccy D's at one.</span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
To be honest, I’ve been avoiding Tash a bit lately, since she
started nicking stuff again. I don’t know why she bothers, her parents are
loaded, they've got three bogs! AND she’s been to Orlando, Florida......twice!!! <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
Loads of people seem to be on the rob at the moment. The
boys in my class have got a competition over who can steal the biggest thing from
JJB Sports. Apparently, Gareth nicked a golf club last weekend, while he was
out shopping with his nan. Nobody’s actually seen the golf club yet though,
and, when someone accused him of lying, he said, ‘Ask my Nan’, which is what
everyone says when they’re lying, ‘Ask my Nan…Ask My mum…Ask my Uncle’. One day
I’m actually going to ask them:<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
‘Hi, Gareth’s Nan.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Gareth told us that he stole a golf club from JJB sports last weekend,
and I thought I’d just pop round to see if that’s true?’<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
‘Oh, hi Kevin’s mum.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Kev said you once farted so badly that you made the dog throw up, and I
just wanted to check it <i>really</i> was that bad?’<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
‘Are you Sara’s Uncle? Sara and me are in the same class.
She said I could confirm with you, that you’re sooo hard, you just head butt the
vending machine to get a Crunchie out instead of using the correct change?.’ *</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
When I told Mum that I was going into town, she told me to
look in her purse for some money, but there were only coppers and a torn-up
lottery ticket. It’s the end of the month which means Mum and Dad are SKINT!!
It’s fine though because we’ll be minted again soon. Like when Dad got paid
last month, we had Perfect Pizza three days in a row, and he bought Mum a box
of Terry’s All Gold (she gave me one and it was bloody heaven). <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
I don’t want to tell Mum that she doesn’t have any money
left, so I decide to break into the £6.27 savings from my money box. It’s the
one where the skeleton grabs the coins with his bony hand and then drags them back into his coffin. I really wanted it when I was like eight years old, but like
everything else that’s cool, I get it when Nanny Pam finds one at the car
boot…five years later!<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
Tasha’s always late and I’m always early, which means I usually
have to stand around looking like a Billy No Mates for half an hour, so when I
get to Maccy’s I decide to get myself a Happy Meal and sit inside for a bit. I
stack up my three pounds and one pee change on the table next to my four empty pots
of BBQ sauce while looking at Ronalds big cheesey grin on the empty Happy Meal box.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
When Tasha eventually arrives, we walk around the shops
together while she lists all the things that have pissed her off this week
‘…So, Mum was like <i>you</i> asked for the hamsters, <i>you </i>clean them,
and I was like <i>yeah</i>, but I didn’t know they live for fucking
eternity!...and<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>my Dad can fuck off! He’s always buying the stuff that Jason likes, he knows I hate Rib ‘n’
Saucy... Nice ‘n’ Spicy are obviously the best...But golden boy Jason likes
them so…and I swear our next-door neighbour’s a pervert, I was out in my
dressing gown yesterday cleaning dogshit off my trainer and he was like,
‘morning’ but not like ‘morning’ it was more like ‘mooorrrrning…’<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
In Claire’s Accessories,
I see a necklace for Jenny with a Yin Yang on it, she’s well into world peace
and stuff at the moment, so I think she’ll like it. It’s £3.99 though, so I put
it back on the hook. All the other cheaper stuff is naff as, and I feel like a knob for splashing out on a Maccy’s like I’d won the bloody pools or
something. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
I look over at Tasha, she’s rolled her sleeve up and is
filling her arm up with a neon rainbow of shag band bracelets. Then she pulls her sleeve back over them and
walks out of the shop. I shuffle after her, nearly knocking down a whole cat themed earring display on my way out.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
When we get around the corner, Tasha starts laughing her
head off. I AM SHITTING IT, and I’m not sure if I can taste BBQ sauce or sick
at the back of my throat.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
Tasha clenches her fists and puts them in front of me.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
‘Pick one’<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
I touch the right; it’s got nothing in it, then she opens
the left and lets the Yin Yang necklace I was looking at fall between her fingers.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She starts laughing again and says, ‘You can have it’.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
When I get home, I run upstairs and put the necklace in my
money box, then I put the money box in the back of the cupboard and cover it
with an old school jumper. Then, I spend a while looking at the criminal in my
bedroom mirror.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I can feel sweat running
down my armpits and think that Sure should make a deodorant especially for
people like me: 24 hour protection…from the law!<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
Grandad’s come round for tea. I give him a half-arsed hug
and sit down next to him at the table. I know he’s in the mood for a chat, but
I just stare at the greasy juice pouring out of my chicken Kiev. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
‘You got a boyfriend yet love? … You want to get a shifty
on. My sister’s a spinster like you, never settled down, no sprogs... travelled
the world... think she’s on a cruise ship somewhere in the Caribbean now...
you don’t want to end up like her!.’<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
Mum pipes up from the kitchen, ‘She’s fourteen Dad, and I
wouldn’t mind being on a cruise ship with no sprogs, like that Jane McDonald.’<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
‘Now that’s a woman! I wouldn’t mind being <i>on</i> the captain’s
table with her, if you know what I mean.’<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
‘DAD!!!!!’<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
I say I’m feeling sea sick and go upstairs.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
I lay on my bed and stare at the ceiling for a
bit. Dad did this mad effect on it with paint a few years ago, where he got a
comb and made all these swirls, and I
follow them with my eyes when I need to calm down sometimes. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
After a bit there’s a knock on the door, and Grandad comes
in. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
‘Your mum sent me up to apologise.’<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Grandad looks at the
Oasis poster on my wall. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
‘That Ian Gallagher wants a bloody haircut’.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
I start crying.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
‘Oh god, sorry love, I’m sure he’s alright really. You know I
just want you to find someone who will look after you, buy you a nice Barrat’s
home on Bannerbrook Park, that sort of thing’<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
I tell Grandad that I
won’t need a house when I’m in prison. Then tell him all about my shopping
trip.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
‘So, you’re an accessory to the crime. That doesn’t look
good love. My mate Tel went down for less. All the poor bastard did was go to
sleep in the wrong house after a night on the sauce. And the thing is, he always sleeps
bollock naked….and a lot of men use the kitchen sink to take a leak in the
night…and a cat could kick in a front door on that estate. Anyway, the
fourth time he did it, he got six months.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
‘I’m sure you’ll be fine though, sweetheart, but If you do
get nicked…just say,<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>‘no comment’ to everything,
in a different accent if you can. And if you ever get pulled over on your way
back from the boozer, chew a whole pack of Juicy Fruit before you step out of
the car, that stuff's potent and always keep a bottle of sober piss in the boot,
you never know when you’re going to need it…’<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
I ask Grandad if I should go and give the necklace back
somehow. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
‘No love, I wouldn’t go back in that shop for a while and
look on the bright side you've just saved yourself £3.99!’</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraph" style="margin-left: 72pt; text-align: justify;">
*To be
fair Sara’s uncle is meant to be absolute nails, ask my dad<o:p></o:p></div>
<!--EndFragment--><br />
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">I’m skiving round Nanny Pam’s today. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I thought I had a tummy bug this morning but it
turned out to be a false alarm, and I’d just had too much Sunny D round Amy’s
last night. Mum had to go to college, so she dropped me at Nanny Pam’s. On the way
round she made me sit on a bin bag in the car just in case.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">Nanny Pam and me are watching This Morning;
there’s a woman on talking about how she's been cheating on her husband with
a ghost. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The TV presenter asks if she
has ever been intimate with the ghost. Nanny Pam stares at the TV while her
Rich Tea biscuit breaks off into her coffee. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">The phone rings, I look at Nanny Pam,
without taking her eyes off the telly she says, ‘Be a love and get that will
yer.’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">I answer the phone but before I even say
hello, I can hear Nanny Pam’s friend Maeve shouting her mouth off, as usual.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">‘Are you watching that woman on This
Morning, Pam? Dirty Cow! Fancy cheating on her husband with a ghost. At least
when my Mick had an affair I could go round and smack her one, but that poor
bastard doesn’t stand a chance against a ghost.…’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">‘Maeve…MAEVE! It’s not Nan, it’s Holly!’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">‘Oh hello Holly love. Did you see that woman
on This Morning? Dirty Cow! Fancy cheating on her husband with a ghost…’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Nanny Pam shouts from the living room, ‘Who
is it?’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">I say, ‘It’s Maeve.’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Maeve says, ‘Is that Pam?’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">I say, ‘Yeah’.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">‘Ask her if she’s coming to bums and tums
later?’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">‘Nan, are you coming to bums and tums
later?’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Nanny Pam says, ‘Is Sheila going?’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">I say, ‘Is Sheila going?’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Maeve says she thinks so.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Nanny Pam eventually comes to the phone,
but not before Maeve tells me one of her daft stories about how her friend
Maxine’s dog has learnt how to start a fire.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">While Nanny Pam’s on the phone to Maeve I
sit down next to her and pick up the BT Phone Book from the shelf for something
to look at. It’s next to a rank photo of me from a couple of years ago when I
was holding three of Nanny Pam’s guinea pigs at once. I’m looking dead chuffed
with myself even though I’m wearing Nanny Pam’s brown Tesco fleece. Sometimes I
think that my biggest fear of being murdered is Nanny Pam dragging this photo out
for Midlands Today News.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Nanny Pam and Maeve start talking about the
woman on This Morning.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">‘She says they have, but it feels really
cold, like a Calippo, so they don’t do it that often.’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">I look through the pages of the phone book while
Nanny Pam gasses on to Maeve. First I find Amy’s number, which is dead sad
because I know it off by heart anyway, then I find Aunty Mandy’s and then I do
something really sad and look for Tom’s! I’ve started to fancy him even more
now that he’s started to use gel in his hair.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">I know Tom’s Dad’s name is Geoff so I
narrow it down to three possible G.Stevensons. I think about writing them down
and prank calling them at the weekend with Amy. When I think about it a bit
more though, I decide that it would be a pretty tragic thing to do. I put the phonebook
back on the shelf and pick up the Avon catalogue next to it, to cheer myself up
a bit with the smelly pages.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Nanny Pam starts up her usual chat with
Maeve about who has died this week. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">‘…and Anne’s brother in law.’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">‘Yeah, and Chip Shop Pete’s Mum…yeah it
exploded apparently.’ <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">’Eighty-six, but still that’s no way to go.’
<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">‘Oh and remember Barry from ‘The Bell’, you
know the one who stank of cheese and onion crisps! ... Yeah two weeks they said,
and he only went in with a broken toe.’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">‘And I haven’t seen Margaret across the way
for two days now, and she did say she was having some tests done. You haven’t
seen her down the club have yer? ...’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">‘Well how strange … I don’t know what tests,
but she didn’t look too bright the last time I saw her.’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">I rub the Avon catalogue against my neck,
to try on the ‘Pearls and Lace’ perfume sample. From the window in Nanny Pam’s
porch I see Margaret pull up on her drive, I nudge Nanny Pam, but she shrugs me
off and keeps talking.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">‘I suppose they’ll have to sell Margaret’s
house then, I wonder what they’ll get for it, she hasn’t put a conservatory on
like us.’ <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">I watch Margaret unload the Asda shopping
bags from her car, and let her cat in the house.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Nanny Pam eventually says to Maeve, ‘Ta ra then love,
yeah I’ll let you know about Margaret, but it doesn’t look good does it…’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">‘Are you going to bums and tums?...No I
don’t think I will either then.’ <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<!--EndFragment--><br />THE COVENTRY CONCHhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09657138415385334847noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-838119550910234768.post-12695420139626111982017-12-14T12:25:00.000-08:002017-12-17T08:49:34.556-08:00CONCH CHRISTMAS SPECIAL<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-gd8yIsKxzl8/WjGfkxUEOyI/AAAAAAAAAyI/y34mfYDd7WkJnRGJYVjC3RrP696BTGK4wCLcBGAs/s1600/Screen%2BShot%2B2017-12-11%2Bat%2B19.58.34.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="499" data-original-width="738" height="432" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-gd8yIsKxzl8/WjGfkxUEOyI/AAAAAAAAAyI/y34mfYDd7WkJnRGJYVjC3RrP696BTGK4wCLcBGAs/s640/Screen%2BShot%2B2017-12-11%2Bat%2B19.58.34.png" width="640" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "cambria"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">12.00pm<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">It’s Christmas Eve and Mum and Dad have
ditched us at Nanny Pam’s while they go shopping all day. Dad only got paid
today so they’ve gone out to buy everything. Dad said he’d buy a proper tree as
well, because the one he got from the woods doesn’t have any needles left and
Mum says it smells like cat piss.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Jenny, Josh and me are lying in front of
the telly watching Home Alone and eating Cornflakes. Nanny Pam let us put double
cream on them instead of milk as a special Christmas treat. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">12.30pm<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Nanny Pam’s friend Maeve, from the fag
counter, pulls up outside in her knackered old brown mini, she’s wearing her
Tesco uniform and her name badge has some tinsel round it. Out of her boot she
grabs a big red bin bag that says ‘Santa’s Sack’ on it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Maeve comes into the living room, plonks
herself on the sofa, does a big annoying sigh and lights a fag. I really hope
Maeve’s not in one of her talkative moods, because she’ll ruin the film, she’s
always in a talkative mood though. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Dad never buys fags from Tesco when Maeve’s
on shift. He says he can feel himself ageing in the queue while she tells the
customers in front her daft stories, like the one about her dog being psychic
or the time her sister in-law accidently swallowed a car air freshener.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">After being quiet and pretending to watch
the film for less than half a second Maeve says,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">‘What's this film all about then?’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Jenny tells her really quickly, ‘This boy’s
home alone, there’s some burglars, and he has to get them to piss off before
his parents come back.’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Maeve says, ‘Oh right, that’s like what
happened to my neighbour Maureen last week. She went up town and when she came
home she saw her bathroom window was open. Now, she thought she might have been
burgled, but it turns out her husband had just got home from work early and
opened it after he’d been to the toilet.’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Jenny says, ‘That’s nothing like Home
Alone.’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">‘Tis! Anyway, do youse lot wanna see what’s
in Santa’s sack?’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">We pause Home Alone and sit around Maeve
while she gives us a present each. Josh opens his first; it’s a kazoo! Mum will
go mad when she sees it. We’ve only just got him to stop playing the recorder.
Mum had to pretend it had batteries, and that they’d ran out, by shoving a load of
bog roll in so it stopped making a sound. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">I open mine. It’s a jumper that has a cat
on it but the cat has a really long face, and instead of paws it’s got big hands
which are connected to a black box that has teeth.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">It’s rank, but I decide to be dead fake and
say, ‘Thanks Maeve, I love cats’ (which isn’t exactly a lie because I do love cats).<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">‘It’s not a cat it’s Snoopy playing the
Piano’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">I can’t think of anything else to say so I
just give Maeve a hug.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Jenny opens her present; it’s a used
blusher. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Maeve says, ‘I thought you were looking a
bit pale recently love, and the lads like it when you’ve got a bit of a glow’.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Jenny says, ‘Feminists don’t wear make-up’.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">‘Well if you want a girlfriend, you’re
still going to have to start making the most of yourself, because I don’t think
girls go for ghosts either.’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">‘I’m not a lesbian, I’m a feminist.’ <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">‘Oh, well do what you like with it love, I
got it free with Take a Break anyway, but when I tried it on, your Nan said I
looked like I’d been Vimto'd.’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">‘Tango'd?’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">‘Yeah, that’s what I said.’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">From the kitchen Nanny Pam asks Maeve if
she wants a cuppa.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Maeve asks, ‘Have you got any Baileys?’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Nanny Pam shouts, ‘I thought you’ve got
work?’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">‘I have but I need to get my courage up for
Father Christmas, it’s his last shift in the grotto today.’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Josh stops playing his Kazoo and stares at
Maeve. I whisper to him that Maeve doesn’t mean the real Father Christmas, and
that there’s no way the real one would bother coming to Tesco, Cannon Park when
he could be cheesing around Lapland with Rudolph.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Nanny Pam hands Maeve a Baileys and says, ‘You’re
not still going on about him are yer? I thought he was shacked up with Jill
from the garage anyway?’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Maeve sips her Baileys and says, ‘Let's just
say there’s no Mrs. Claus anymore after she caught him coppin’ off with Michele
the Mouth at the works do. But Michele got back with Tony on Fish last week, so
he’s a free agent again.’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Nanny Pam says, ‘Fine but when Father
Christmas is back on the dole in January, don’t come moaning to me’ <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Maeve lights up a new fag while the one
she’s just finished still burns in the ashtray. Jenny presses play and Kevin McAlister
gets a lovely cheese pizza just for him. I wish we were having an America
Christmas with proper Christmas trees, snow and pizza. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">3.30pm<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">After ruining the whole film, eating all
the decent Roses and brimming the ashtray, Maeve eventually leaves for her
shift on the fag counter. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It
starts to get dark and Nanny Pam’s Christmas lights come on. Cars start to
drive really slowly passed her house and kids faces press against car windows
to have a look. Nanny Pam’s gone even bigger with her display this year, after
one of her neighbours put a note through the door last year saying they were
‘tacky and dragging the whole street down’. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Mum and Dad come back with a huge Christmas tree tied to the roof! We run to the car before Dad’s even parked and get in. Nanny
Pam waves us off, and Dad says we can have what ever we want for dinner. I ask
if I can have a lovely cheese pizza just for me. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
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THE COVENTRY CONCHhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09657138415385334847noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-838119550910234768.post-91582020193016700752017-11-05T08:41:00.000-08:002017-11-15T03:42:22.498-08:00CAROL<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-haTJLFklRuU/Wf8ru_eIncI/AAAAAAAAAxg/V5NA6NPxAmYts-msm8yaxSqHmnh9Lz9zACLcBGAs/s1600/unnamed.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1569" height="640" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-haTJLFklRuU/Wf8ru_eIncI/AAAAAAAAAxg/V5NA6NPxAmYts-msm8yaxSqHmnh9Lz9zACLcBGAs/s640/unnamed.jpg" width="626" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-US">4pm</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-US">I’m locked out.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-US">Mum’s at her friends with Josh until six. Jenny’s meant to be home
to let me in, but I reckon she’s forgotten and is probably cheesing around with
her new senior school mates outside Happy Shopper. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-US">Our next-door neighbor, Carol, is staring at me through her net
curtains. Bloody Carol, she’s always spying on me when I’m just trying to do my
own thing. Last week, she dobbed Amy and me in to my Mum for drawing a chalk willy on our garden path. We washed it off before Mum even saw it, but Carol
must have had her beady little eyes on us all day. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-US">From the kitchen I heard her
telling Mum over the fence that we’d been drawing ‘men’s private parts’ in the
garden. Mum said sorry and that she’d be having a word. Then she came into the
kitchen and stuck her head into the mug cupboard. I could tell she was laughing,
because she was shaking, but when she eventually took her head out she told me
that I should know better. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-US"><o:p>4.10pm</o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-US"><o:p><br /></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-US">I sit on the doorstep and start kicking up some of the weeds in the
crazy paving. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-US">Carol’s front door opens and she shuffles out; her whole outfit is
beige apart from her pink slippers. Jenny says Carol’s the living dead and
could be over 100 years old but I thinks she’s more like 70 summat.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-US">Carol looks me up and down, then says, ‘Locked out are ya?’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-US">‘Yeah.’ <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-US">‘You can sit round mine if you need to?’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-US">‘No, thanks.’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-US">‘It’s gonna rain you know.’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-US">‘I know, but my Mum’s on her way back so...’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-US">‘Well, suit yourself.’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-US">There’s no way I’m going round Carol’s! She’s well moody and she’ll
probably dob me in for eff all again.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-US">4.15pm</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-US">It starts raining. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-US">I press Carol’s doorbell and it plays a really long tune. Carol
answers and says, ‘If you’re coming in take those shoes off!’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-US">I’ve never actually been inside Carols house before, it’s done out
in the same shade of beige as her cardigan. The fire’s one of those fake ones
with the glowy coals and Carol’s got it turned up to a billion degrees
centigrade. I can feel my armpits sweating, so I take my school coat off, Carol grabs it off me, then shuffles into her downstairs cupboard to hang it up. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
I look at the photos on Carol's windowsill. There's a black and white wedding photo and some random kids school photo in a frame that says NAN. Next to the photos is a bowl of pot pourri, I reach down to pick it up so I can smell it, but old x-ray eyes shouts from the cupboard,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-US"> </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;">‘Before you touch anything go upstairs and wash your hands!’</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-US"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I hate houses where you have
to wash your hands, it’s like people think you’re a tramp or something.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-US">Carol’s bathroom has thick green carpet. On the windowsill there’s a
plastic dolphin with a stupid grin, holding a sign that says, ’Please be neat
and wipe the seat’. I go for a number one and smell my armpits, then I look in
Carol’s cabinet for some Impulse but she only has a roll on and I don’t fancy
using that! <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-US">I walk down the stairs into Carol’s living room. There’s no sofa,
just two armchairs with little tables next to them and Carol’s sat in one of
them. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-US">‘You can sit down if you want’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-US">I walk up to the empty armchair.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-US">‘Not there, that’s Jimmy’s chair, children sit on the floor.’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-US">I remember Mum saying that Carol used to have a husband, but he died
when I was little. Mum said he was well nice though and even gave her a lift to
the hospital when she was having Josh. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-US">I sit down on the carpet next to a big glass cabinet full of
ornaments. Carol’s cat, Mitsy comes in through the cat flap in the porch, she stares me out, then jumps up onto Jimmy’s chair. Carol doesn’t say anything. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-US">4.20pm</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-US">Me and Carol sit looking at each other for a bit without saying anything. The only noise comes from the radio, which must be tuned to Granny FM, as all it's playing is dodgy old people songs</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;">.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">Eventually Carol says, ‘Well, I’m going to have a cuppa. If you want one too,</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"> </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;">you can come and help make it.’</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-US">I follow Carol into the kitchen.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-US">‘Get that pot down from the top shelf’.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-US">I use some little steps Carol has to help her reach things and pass
the pot down to her. It’s covered in dust so she gives it a wipe with a dishcloth.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-US">‘I haven’t used this pot in months. I just put the bag straight in
the cup these days, no point going to all the effort for one cup. Jimmy liked
the milk in first. I don’t think you can tell the difference, but he’d know if
I’d done it the wrong way round.’ <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-US">Carol puts the pot and cups on a tray with a little plate of Fig
Rolls, and I carry it into the living room. When she pours the tea her hand
shakes and it splashes all over the tray. I pretend not to notice but Carol
tuts and says,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">‘It’s no fun getting old you know! It takes me half an hour to get
up the stairs these days. Sometimes, when I need to use the toilet in the
afternoon, I just stay up there and get into bed to save myself going down and
up again. I went to bed at three ‘o’ clock last week!’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">I sip my tea and look at all of the stuff in the cabinet while
trying to think of something to take Carol’s mind off being dead old and that.
‘I like all your ornaments. My Grandad’s taught me loads about antiques, they’re
probably worth a bit you know’.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">‘Yeah, I reckon. Sometimes me and Jenny pretend we’re on Antiques
Roadshow and value each other’s stuff. We haven’t played in a while though,
because we had a fight last time when she valued my entire pig collection at
50p!’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US"><o:p>4.40pm</o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US"><o:p><br /></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">We set up a game of Antiques Roadshow on Carol’s dining room table.
She gets some of the ornaments out, and I ask if I can use her magnifying glass
next to the crossword on her side table. She’s the guest and I’m the expert.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">One of the ornaments is Goofey playing Golf. I pick it up and turn
it upside down. I use the magnifying glass to read the Disney sign on his foot.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">‘So Carol, where did you find this lovely item?’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">‘Well, my son, Terry, went to Disneyland a few years ago and bought
it back for his Dad, because Jimmy used to say he always fancied playing golf.’
<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">‘It’s a remarkable find Carol, dating back to the 17<sup>th</sup>
century I believe, and it’s definitely a Disney, because it says Disney. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’d bet you’d like to know how much it’s
worth?’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-US">‘Oooh yes please?’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">‘I’d say as a rough estimate you’re looking in the region of four
thousand pounds…how does that sound?’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
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<span lang="EN-US">‘Well, I’d like to fly my son and his family over here from Australia. Do you know
I haven’t even met one of my grandchildren and I’ve got two now! Oh and I’d
love to go down London and meet Kilroy, I think he’s fabulous.’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span lang="EN-US"><o:p>5.30pm</o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US"><o:p><br /></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">Jenny walks past Carol’s window. I tell
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back in the cabinet.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>‘I
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<span lang="EN-US">‘Yes, that’d be nice.’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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THE COVENTRY CONCHhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09657138415385334847noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-838119550910234768.post-34684649088574499572017-08-06T14:10:00.000-07:002017-08-06T14:16:27.404-07:00THE FUNERAL<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-NrUKUJMjAUQ/WYd5Wr_4ABI/AAAAAAAAAwQ/3PlPo_Lu5mkghTrgOQNSfeexUWpxq8BmACLcBGAs/s1600/TOSCA%2522S%2BGRAVE.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1410" height="640" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-NrUKUJMjAUQ/WYd5Wr_4ABI/AAAAAAAAAwQ/3PlPo_Lu5mkghTrgOQNSfeexUWpxq8BmACLcBGAs/s640/TOSCA%2522S%2BGRAVE.jpg" width="562" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">2pm<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Dad’s turned the taps on in the bathroom so
we can’t hear him sobbing. He’s been in there for over an hour. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Jenny knocks on the door.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">‘Dad, please come out, we need to talk
about the funeral arrangements.’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Dad flushes the toilet, sobs a bit more then
finally opens the bathroom door. Me and Jenny give him a big fat hug.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Yesterday our cat Tosca died.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">2.30pm<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">From Mum and Dad’s bedroom window I watch
Dad digging a big hole at the end of the garden. Carol from next door is
pretending to check if her washing is dry, but I knows she’s just trying to see
what Dad’s up to. Carol’s been dead nosey lately and I keep having to spy on her
to see when she’s spying on us. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Dad’s been the saddest out of everyone
about Tosca dying; I think she was probably Dad’s best friend. When he’s had a
bad day at work he comes in and slags his boss off to Tosca while she sits on
his lap purring her head off. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">After a bit Dad stops digging and starts
crying again. Mum comes out and strokes his back while Carol checks the same
damp bra for the hundred millionth time. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">I stare into the mirror in Mum and Dad’s
room and start crying too. I watch the tears roll down my face while I think
about Tosca, then I think about Tom and wether he’d fancy me if he saw how
sparkly my eyes look when I cry. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">3.00pm<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">I walk out into the garden, Dad’s nearly
finished digging the hole. Carol shouts over the fence ‘You better make it deep
otherwise the foxes will tear her to pieces’. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Dad shouts back, ‘Yeah, cheers Carol!’ Then
whispers ‘You daft bint’.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Dad wants us all to wear black for the
funeral to show our repect. Me and Jenny look in our room for stuff for black
stuff. Jenny finds a black Kappa Tracksuit in a bag of old stuff our cousin
Leanne gave us and I put on the outfit I wore when I was a goth for the day a
few weeks ago. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">3.30pm<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">In the garden Mum, Dad and Josh are already
stood by Tosca’s grave. Dad’s wearing the suit he bought for Aunty Mandy’s
wedding, Mum’s wearing a leather skirt and her black Bon Jovi t-shirt, and Josh
is wearing his batman costume.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">We all talk about our memories of Tosca for
a bit. Jenny talks about the time Tosca got trapped in Carol’s house and pooed
in her kitchen. Then Dad talks about when she was a kitten and followed him all
the way to the Chip Shop. He had to put her in his inside jacket pocket while
he ordered, and her little furry face kept popping out to sniff the fish.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Josh says, ‘Remember when she ate the
hamsters?’ Mum tells him it’s not the right time to remember that story. Jenny
reads a poem she wrote for Tosca and Mum says The Lord's Prayer. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">I give Tosca one last stroke and tell her
how much I love her, then Dad puts her in the hole and starts to cover her up
with soil. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Josh keeps asking Dad all sorts of stupid
questions like, ‘When can we dig her up again?’ I don’t think he gets things
being dead yet. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">4.00pm<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">We hear somebody trying to get in through
the back gate. It’s Grandad! He swears his head off until he eventually opens it
with a massive kick.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">‘Bloody hell! Why didn’t you answer the
front door? I was stood out there banging me arse off, until that miserable
neighbour of yours told me you were having some sort of séance out ere’.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Grandad looks at Dad.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">‘You got a court appearance or summit? I’d
bang you up for wearing that baggy arsed suit alone.’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Jenny shouts at Grandad, ‘Tosca’s dead this
is her funeral, now please show some respect!!!’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Grandad looks at mum, ‘Are you going to let
her speak to her Grandad like that?’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Mum says, ‘She’s right Dad, now show some
respect or piss off home’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Grandad goes red and looks really angry,
but keeps his mouth shut for a bit. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">I remember that I invited Nanny Pam to the
funeral this morning, and she said she might come round for the wake after her
shift on the fag counter. I secretly hope she can’t make it now that Grandad’s
come round, I can’t be arsed with those two going at each other today. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">4.30pm<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Mum’s done a picky tea for Tosca’s wake.
Grandad grabs a scotch egg and stuffs it into his face while he sits on the
sofa and reads TV Quick. He gets little orange bits all over the pages
and bits of grey meat and yellow egg come out of his mouth when he starts
talking.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">‘Repeat..repeat…seen it on pirate…that
Lovejoy’s a smug prick…bloody national lottery! I had a fiver on and won eff all…repeat…now
I’d like to go inside Linda Barker’s Changing Room…Noel Fuckin’ Edmonds… <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I can
hear Nanny Pam’s heels clip clopping down our road and go to open the door.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">‘Oh sweetheart, I’m so sorry, you loved that
cat didn’t you?’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Grandad shouts from the sofa, ‘Come for the
free food have you Pammy?’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">‘Don’t you start! I’ve had the day from
hell! Maeve rang in sick this morning and someone tripped up on a pack of Camel
Lights when I was doing the re-stock, said they’re gonna sue! So I don’t need
you giving me jip n’all!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">‘Alright calm down woman! You’re at a
funeral you know, show some respect!’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Grandad winks at Jenny and she gives him
one of her killer evils. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Nanny Pam sits down on the opposite side of
the sofa to Grandad and I sit in the middle. Grandad picks off and eats a bit of Scotch Egg that was stuck to Anneka Rices's face, on the front cover of TV Quick, it leaves a a greasy mark on her cheek. Nanny Pam calls
him a dirty pig under her breath.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">I look over at the armchair Tosca used to
sit in and start crying again. Sometimes she’d leave bits of dead birds on it,
but that’s just nature, so I didn’t mind. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Nanny Pam hugs me, then Grandad wipes his fingers on the side of the sofa and shuffles up to hug me too. Nanny Pam
wriggles out the way when Grandad tries to put his arms round her as well. Nanny Pam's perfume mixes with Grandad's eggy fag breath, it makes me feel a bit sick so I slip down and off the sofa, leaving those two to jump back to opposite sides.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">It’s getting dark and I walk to the end of
the Garden where Dad is on his knees next to Tosca’s grave lighting candles. I kneel down next to him.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">‘Are you ok Dad?’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">‘I loved that cat’.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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<br />
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<i><span lang="EN-US">My
Dad inspired this post a few weeks ago when, after a few beers he asked me if
I’d be interested in breaking into our old house and sneaking into the garden with him. He wanted to exhume Tosca’s remains and repatriate her to his new garden. Mum talked him
out of it, and Dad saying he’d ‘even ask the new owners permission’ didn’t seem
to convince her for some reason.</span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span lang="EN-US">I'd have loved to of seen the look on Carol's face!<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<!--EndFragment--><br />
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</style>THE COVENTRY CONCHhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09657138415385334847noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-838119550910234768.post-91781871140590238982017-06-28T06:57:00.001-07:002017-06-29T04:27:14.623-07:00SPORTS DAY<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-MZJap9_CwSY/WVOrE19NEYI/AAAAAAAAAvw/w4tkDeLx6OMp71oWQhjTXLQfuljWvTwVQCLcBGAs/s1600/IMG_2990.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1197" data-original-width="1600" height="478" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-MZJap9_CwSY/WVOrE19NEYI/AAAAAAAAAvw/w4tkDeLx6OMp71oWQhjTXLQfuljWvTwVQCLcBGAs/s640/IMG_2990.JPG" width="640" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
7.30am</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">I wake up, open my eyes, remember it’s
sports day, and shut them again. Sports day is the worst day of the year and
I’m not even allowed to skive because Mum got a letter home last week about me having
too much time off school.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">I sit up in bed, look at my Hi-Tec trainers
in the corner of the room and think fuck this! I’ve been swearing quite a bit
in my head lately, I think it’s because I’ve been hanging around with Tasha more.
The other day I accidently swore out loud in front of Mum and she made me say
sorry to God.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Eventually I get out of bed and put my kit
on. My cousin Leanne's old puma shorts, the fake England shirt Grandad gave me and my rubbish trainers. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">When I get downstairs Jenny and Josh are
already having breakfast. All they’ve left me from the selection box is
Cornflakes! They’re having a mega mix of honey Nut Loops and Coco Pops. I tell
them that I need the extra energy today, and try to shove my spoon in their bowls,
but Jenny puts her hand over hers, and Josh spits in his. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">In the kitchen, Mum lets me smash a Kit Kat
up in my Cornflakes to make them taste a bit better. While I eat them, she strokes my
hair and says, ‘Nanny Pam will be there cheering you on today Hol! You can only
do your best. Just remember it’s not in your genetics to be good at sport. I couldn’t even do a forward roll until I was
twenty-five, and that was by accident one night in The Pink Parrot!’ <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">8.15am</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">I walk round to Amy’s before school. Amy
hates Sports Day just as much as I do, but at least we have a plan this year. We both got picked to do the 200m race and so neither of us come last on our own, we’re going to run at the same time as
each other, crossing the finish line last, together.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">When I get to Amy’s, Aunty Karen answers
the door.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">‘Hi Love. Look at you all ready for sports
day. Poor Amy can’t come because she’s got a nasty tummy bug!’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">I can feel myself getting really hot and angry, but
say to Aunty Karen dead nicely, ‘Really she was absolutely fine at school
yesterday can I go up and see her?’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">‘Yeah go on then, you might cheer her up a
bit, poor thing’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
open Amy’s door really quietly and watch her for a bit, she’s sat up in bed
watching The Big breakfast and eating Frosted Shreddies. When she notices
me she starts coughing and says in a croaky voice ‘Hi Hol’.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">‘Thought you had a tummy bug not a cough.’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">‘I’ve got both!’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">I think about which way to do this and
decide to start by begging and if that doesn’t work use force.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">‘Amy please come, I need you, please,
please, please! I’m going to come last and look like a right loser in front of Tom, please…’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">‘I would Hol, I actually really wanted to
come, but I’m really ill!’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">‘Yeah right, chinny chin chin!’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">I go up to Amy’s bed and pull the duvet off
her.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">‘You have to come, we promised! Get up!’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">‘Muuuuuuuuummm!’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">I let go of the duvet and Amy grabs it
back. Then I say something really lame that I heard on Saved By The Bell.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">‘This Friendship is void!’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">I kick the door open and monster stomp down
the stairs. Aunty Karen asks me if I’m ok as I walk out of the front door, I
tell her Amy’s nearly finished her Shreddies and seems to be A LOT better!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
9.00am</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">When I get to school, Sammy and some other
girls from my class are stood in the playground doing stretches to show off in
front of Tom and the boys. Sammy’s got new Nike Air Max’s and Addidas Poppers
on.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">10.00am</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Nanny Pam and Maeve have come to watch me and I'm allowed to sit with them on the field until I'm called up. </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Maeve starts telling one of her
daft stories about how she used to run for the County until her boobs got too
big and she couldn’t afford to keep buying gaffa tape.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">It’s the boys 100m race first, Sammy
screams her head off for Tom to win. I pretend not to watch and try to
concentrate on Maeve talking about her boobs instead.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>‘Of
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But when I saw that Sally Gunnel opening the new Tesco the other day, I thought it could have been me cutting that ribbon...’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">I look over at the start line. Mr. Haywood
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away. I turn back to Maeve.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">‘I can just about squeeze into a H cup now, but
it’s a two man job…’ <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">I look back over at the race. Kevin’s in
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<span lang="EN-US">Mr. Haywood announces Kevin as the winner
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are tied properly because he doesn’t want any more accidents like Tom’s!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">I feel really sorry for Tom, but when I
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because Tom did too!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">11.00am</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">From the start line, I watch Maeve being
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and Nanny Pam giving me a big fat double thumbs up!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">Mr. Haywood says, ‘On your marks, get set,
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">I come second from last, but Nanny Pam and
Maeve run up to me screaming like I’ve won gold at the Olympics! Nanny Pam gives me a big fat hug and </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;">I look over her shoulder at Tom who is still sulking next to his Mum. I think that I fancy him a little bit less today.</span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US"><o:p>3.30pm</o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><o:p><br /></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">On my way back from school, I call in at
Amy’s.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">I open Amy’s bedroom door really quietly,
she’s sat on her bed watching Round The Twist and is eating Golden Drummers
with chips and beans. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">I say, ‘Hi’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">‘Hi’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">Then she lets me sit on her bed and have a
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sports day. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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THE COVENTRY CONCHhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09657138415385334847noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-838119550910234768.post-21283915103250368232017-04-09T08:25:00.001-07:002017-04-09T10:55:40.138-07:00AUNTY MANDY <div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-NZ_TvM91xVg/WOpQjZLNX0I/AAAAAAAAAu4/gE6nF1U0y5II2IlZXgE7mktq3_dPNlWywCK4B/s1600/JAFFA%2BCAKES.jpg" imageanchor="1"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-NZ_TvM91xVg/WOpQjZLNX0I/AAAAAAAAAu4/gE6nF1U0y5II2IlZXgE7mktq3_dPNlWywCK4B/s640/JAFFA%2BCAKES.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">4pm<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Aunty Mandy has come to stay with us for a
few days. She’s fallen out with Uncle Simon again!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Aunty Mandy has been sleeping at ours a lot
over the last few months. I secretly love it when she rings up crying her eyes
out asking if she can stay again. She’s really fun and I’ve been learning loads
about her that I didn’t know before like:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraph" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span lang="EN-US" style="mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">1.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><!--[endif]--><span lang="EN-US">Aunty Mandy loves reading. By
her bed she has loads of books like <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Love
on Death Row</i>,<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"> Sexy Psychopaths </i>and
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Married to a Monster.</i><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraph" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span lang="EN-US" style="mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">2.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><!--[endif]--><span lang="EN-US">Apart from Nanny Pam, Aunty
Mandy is the only person I know who watches Channel Five. Sometimes I sneak
into her room when everyone’s gone to bed and we watch documentaries. Last
night we watched one about dead pets that come back and haunt their owners.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span lang="EN-US" style="mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">3.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><!--[endif]--><span lang="EN-US">Aunty Mandy never puts the big
light on. She sleeps in Josh’s room when she comes to stay and lights loads of
candles. She says its better Fung Shay, but I think it’s because she doesn’t
like the Power Rangers on Josh’s duvet. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Mum’s in the kitchen washing up, I’m sat on
the side eating a packet of Jaffa Cakes. I bite the disgusting jelly bits off
first, hold my nose, and swallow them whole so I can enjoy the rest of them. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">I ask mum, ‘Why’s Aunty Mandy fallen out
with Uncle Simon again?’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">'Oh I don’t know Hol, and don’t go asking her,
she needs some space so just leave her alone tonight, yeah?;<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">4.10pm<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">I’m sat at the end of Aunty Mandy’s bed
finishing off the Jaffa Cakes. I think about what to say for a bit, but I don’t
want there to be a big fat elephant in the room so I just ask her. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">‘Why did you fall out with Uncle Simon this
time?’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">‘We didn’t really fall out Hol. Si doesn’t
know how to fall out. Whenever I try and have a row with him he just shuts
himself in the spare room with his model cruise ships and whistles the Big
Break theme tune until I stop shouting. He’s just really REALLY boring and I’m
really REALLY bored!’ <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">5pm<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Aunty Mandy’s teaching me how to make your
face look really tanned with loads of make-up, when the doorbell goes. It’s
Uncle Simon.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">We can hear Uncle Simon in the porch
talking to mum. ‘It’s got warm again. I didn’t know whether to wear my jacket today
because it was a bit nippy this morning, so I wore it anyway and just took it
off when it got a bit warmer.’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Aunty Mandy gets into bed and puts her head
under the Power Rangers duvet. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">I ask her if she’s ok and she muffles, ‘Tell
him to fuck off. No, wait tell him I’m really ill with a tummy bug, yeah tell
him that, he hates tummy bugs!’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">5.30pm<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Uncle Simon’s in the garden having a cup of
tea with Dad. Dad thinks Uncle Simon is really boring too and usually when
Uncle Simon comes round Dad says he’s got to fix something in the garage. There
are no tools to fix anything in the garage, just a thousand bikes, a manky old
tent and everything that has ever broken in our house. Last time I went to look
for Dad when Uncle Simon was round and he was sat on a broken exercise bike reading his
Viz magazine.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">I walk up to Uncle Simon and tell him that
Aunty Mandy has a tummy bug and can’t be more than a meter away from the bog,
which means she can’t see him.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Uncle Simon says, ‘Oh dear, yeah I’ll steer
clear of that one. I hate tummy bugs last time I got one I had to move back in
with my mother because she’s got a more powerful cistern. You have to wait for
ours to refill, which is a nightmare if you need a double flush.’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Dad asks me if I’ve been painting a fence
because my face is covered in Ron Seal, I tell him ‘Its Desert Island Mystique
Bronzer by Avon actually!!’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">I think Dad must feel sorry for Uncle Simon
today because he hasn’t gone to the garage yet and he even asks Uncle Simon
about football, which he hates!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">‘Did you see the football?’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">‘Which Game?’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">‘I don’t know.’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Then we sit in silence for a bit<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">6.15pm<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">After a while Uncle Simon starts telling
Dad about how he’s decided that he still doesn’t like tomatoes because he had a
BLT at the Beefeater on Tuesday night and it had a tomato in and he didn’t like
it. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Dad says that he’s got to fix something in
the garage.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">6.20pm<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Mum comes out to the garden with another
cup of tea for Uncle Simon and one of the dodgy boxes of chocolates Grandad
gave us for Christmas. There are no menu cards and when me and Jenny ate a box
only two were nice, the rest of them taste like dog chocolate. There are still twenty-six
boxes under Mum’s bed, so anytime someone comes round she tries to get rid of a
few.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Mum holds the box while Uncle Simon chooses.
He points at one and says, ‘What’s this one?’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">‘I don’t know Si.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">‘This one?’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">‘I don’t know Si.’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">‘And this one?’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">‘I don’t know Si there’s no menu card so
you just have to guess.’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">‘Does this one have nuts in?’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">‘Listen Si I think Mandy needs to rest up,
so maybe come back tomorrow yeah, you can take the whole box with you if you
like.’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Uncle Simon gets up to go, <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>‘hhhhmm jacket on or off.’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Mum says ‘fuckin’ ell’ really quietly to
herself. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">7pm</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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<!--StartFragment-->
<!--EndFragment--><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">I go up to Josh’s room with a box of
Grandad’s chocolates. Aunty Mandy’s in bed with all her candles on, half
watching a documentary on Channel Five about naked neighbors and half reading a
book called <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">I Killed For The One… Again</i>.
We try and find the nice chocolates by biting a bit of each one, and I talk
about the time I thought I saw Carol next door gardening naked but she was just
wearing beige trousers.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
THE COVENTRY CONCHhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09657138415385334847noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-838119550910234768.post-12924899788125264652017-01-08T07:24:00.000-08:002017-01-08T07:24:23.435-08:00GIRL POWER<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-SBsMnAhLvHk/WHJWL_eCI8I/AAAAAAAAAtY/PDC6B_4z3Ccd2B0oDiB0JNrio-Jg7THLACEw/s1600/FullSizeRender.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-SBsMnAhLvHk/WHJWL_eCI8I/AAAAAAAAAtY/PDC6B_4z3Ccd2B0oDiB0JNrio-Jg7THLACEw/s640/FullSizeRender.jpg" width="550" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">4pm<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">I’ve got an hour to find a fancy dress
outfit in Nanny Pam’s wardrobe!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Sammy from my class is having a fancy dress
party tonight in the church hall. At break time today she asked if I wanted to
go because Rachael’s got diarrhea and can’t go anymore and her mum said she had
to ask someone else. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">I only said yes because Tom’s going to be
there and Amy’s going too. Amy got invited ages ago because her mum works with
Sammy’s mum at the doctors surgery. She didn’t want to go but her mum’s made
her and even bought her a proper Baby Spice outfit for it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">I go for tea round Nanny Pam’s on Thursday nights
because mum’s at college. Usually we just sit around eating choc ices and watch
all the soaps but I won’t even get to watch Neighbours tonight, because I
need to sort my costume out!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Maeve’s round Nanny Pam’s. Usually I like
seeing Maeve, she tells funny stories. Once she said she saw Chris Akabusi in
Marks and Spencer’s buying his underpants, and another time she said she won a
conservatory in The Daily Mail, but they wouldn’t give it to her because she
lives in a top floor flat. I don’t have time to listen to her tonight though
and luckily she’s too busy reading a story called ‘I HAD SEX WITH A GHOST!’ in
one of Nanny Pam’s Take A Break magazines.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">I start panicking about the party and my
costume to Nanny Pam, while she takes some fish fingers out from under the
grill. She says ‘Look love, if you could go as anyone who would it be?’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">I think for a bit. I’d like to go as Jet
from Gladiators but I’m not wearing Nanny Pam’s swimming costume and I think
that all the other girls will be going as Spice Girls, so I probably should as
well.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">‘A Spice Girl’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">4.30pm<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">I eat my fish finger sandwich faster than
ever, and go upstairs with Nanny Pam to find an outfit. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Nanny Pam says, ‘Right well, my joggers are
in the wash after bums and tums so I can’t do you a sporty spice, I sold my
blonde wig at a boot sale last week so that rules out Baby, I don’t like that miserable
Posh one, and I’m not getting a bollocking for dressing you up as that slapper
Ginger. What about Scary Spice? I’ve got a leopard print blouse in here
somewhere...’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">4.40pm<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Nanny Pam finds me some black leggings and
I put them on with her silky leopard print blouse. All of Nanny Pam’s shoes are
too small for me so I put my school shoes back on.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Nanny Pam starts crimping my hair and Maeve
comes upstairs to help with my make-up, I look up at the orange lipstick on
Maeve’s teeth and the sparkly blue circles around her eyes and start worrying
again. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">When they’re both finished I stand up on
Nanny Pam’s bed and look in the big mirror on her dressing table. I look like
Nanny Pam Spice.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">5.30pm<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">I’m late for the party because we had to
drop Maeve off on the way. When Nanny Pam say’s goodbye to someone it usually
means it will be another hour before they actually leave, especially if
it’s Maeve! Just as she was getting out the car she started telling Nanny Pam a
massive story about the time her friend found a dead mouse in a Crunchie, and
that she always chops them up before she eats them now. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">I walk into the church hall and through all
the Spice Girls I can see Tom in the Corner with Matt, apart from Sammy’s dad (who’s
dressed in a really tight Elvis costume) they’re the only boys at the party. Tom’s
dressed as Liam Gallagher. He’s drawn sideburns on his face with black felt-tip
and has a long green parka on. My tummy flips and I go to find Amy. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Amy’s sat down on her own by the buffet
putting Hula Hoops on her fingers. I grab a handful of skips and sit down next
to her. We watch all the other Spice Girls for a bit. Sammy’s dressed as Posh
and Lisa’s dressed as Ginger. They keep running up to the boys and saying stuff
then running back to the rest of the girls to giggle. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">5.40pm<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Sammy comes over to me and Amy, and we
shuffle up to let her sit down. The other girls are acting really daft across
the room, whispering and giggling. Sammy says to me ‘Tom wants to know if
you’ll go out with him.’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">I feel really shaky and hot. I look at Amy,
she smiles and bites a Hula Hoop off her finger.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Sammy stands up and pulls me up with her then pushes me towards Tom. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">5.45pm<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">I wipe my Skip fingers on Nanny Pam’s
leggings and smooth my hair, which has gone really frizzy from all the
crimping.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">I walk up to Tom and say hi, he nods at me
and then carries on talking to Matt. I stand next to him and Matt for a bit
without saying anything. I look across the room. Amy’s still sat on her own
watching me and looking nervous, Sammy’s dad’s at the buffet pulling his Elvis
trousers out of his bum crack and eating sausage rolls, and all the other Spice
Girls are laughing their heads off in the corner near the door. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Tom shouts to the girls, ‘What are youse
lot laughing at?’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Sammy shouts back, ‘Holly thinks you’re
going out with her!’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Tom looks at me and I look at my school
shoes. Then he say’s ‘Eugh, yeah right’.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">5.50pm<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">I run out of the hall crying my head off
with Baby Amy Spice following me.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Outside I cry so much I sound like my
brother when he was a baby. Amy asks if we should go back in the hall and ring
her mum to pick us up early. I tell her that there’s no way we’re going back in
there, and that we’ll just have to wait in the car park until her mum comes at
seven.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">6pm<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">I finally stop crying a bit, and me and Amy
decide to walk to Londis down the road and come back at seven so we don’t have
to see anyone or hear the stupid music coming from the hall.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">6.10pm<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Tasha the goth is smoking outside Londis
with all her gothy mates. I tell Amy that we’re going to have to go back to the
car park because the last thing I need is Tasha taking the piss as well. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">We turn around and start walking back to
the Church Hall, but it’s too late. Tasha<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>shouts, ‘HOLLLLLLLLEEEEEEE’.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Tasha’s drunk, she runs up to me, gives me
a big fat hug and tells me that she loves me. Her coat smells like a hamster’s
wee corner and fags. When she eventually lets go she looks at me and asks,
‘Have you been crying? Why are you dressed like a twat?’ <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Baby Amy Spice tells Tasha everything and I
start crying again.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">6.20pm<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">We hang out with Tasha and her mates for a
bit, they drink cider and smoke loads of fags, and me and Amy share a Bounty. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">6.45pm<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Tasha and her mates walk us back to the car
park. Everyone from the party is stood outside waiting for their parents to pick
them up. Sammy’s with them saying goodbye, when she sees me she starts laughing
again with the other girls. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Tasha looks over at them and shouts ‘Shut
the fuck up you tragic little slags!!’ All of Tasha’s mates start shouting too,
one even say’s the C word!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>All the Spice
girls stop laughing, and Sammy starts crying. Sammy’s dad comes out and tells
the Goths to piss off but they just start laughing and Tasha say’s something
about seeing Elvis’s ball sack.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">6.50pm<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Amy’s Mum pulls up and we jump in the car.
Through the back window I watch the Goths shouting at Elvis and the Spice Girls.
Then I notice Liam Gallagher looking straight at me and I stick my middle
finger up at him.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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THE COVENTRY CONCHhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09657138415385334847noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-838119550910234768.post-34965108690967602822016-10-17T06:40:00.000-07:002016-10-21T08:38:11.264-07:00THE LIE<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
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</div>
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-H0lGPnucXjk/WAo2QnQUmYI/AAAAAAAAAsg/psOIyUxCHa0sAqjbe7eJVCjEPsZ1W5JLQCLcB/s1600/Jet%2BNew.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-H0lGPnucXjk/WAo2QnQUmYI/AAAAAAAAAsg/psOIyUxCHa0sAqjbe7eJVCjEPsZ1W5JLQCLcB/s640/Jet%2BNew.jpg" width="512" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><b>Today</b><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">10am<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">It’s Harvest Festival at school. Usually, I
like Harvest Festival because we have a massive assembly, which means we don’t
have to do any work for a whole morning, and just have to sing songs about food
and Jesus instead. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Every year for Harvest Festival, Mrs. Minty
the school receptionist, asks us to bring food in for poor people. Before she
takes it to the church, she makes a massive display in the assembly hall so
everyone can see how much food we’ve got. Everyone’s pointing out what
they’ve bought in, if I was in a better mood I’d look in the display for the
out of date tin of beans and sausages Nanny Pam gave me to hand in, but I’m too
busy worrying. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Yesterday I told a really big lie.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"> ********<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><b>Yesterday</b><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><br />
12.30pm<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Some people from my class are sat on the
climbing frame in the playground talking about stuff.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m stood underneath, by the slide,
with my cousin Amy listening to them all, and looking at Tom. Tom say’s that
Jet and Wolf from Gladiators were in Coventry opening a new Safeway on Saturday,
and his mum saw them! Lisa tells Tom how she went to see Gladiators with her
Aunty and that she saw Shadow outside afterwards. I feel weird watching Lisa
talk to Tom, my tummy starts to flip round, and before I can think, I start
telling Tom and everyone else the lie. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">‘I was at Safeway on Saturday with my Nan,
because she wanted to try a frothy coffee in the new cafe and I met Jet…’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Everyone looks down from the climbing frame
at me. Lisa starts laughing and says ‘Yeah right, chinny chin chin’ <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Everyone say’s chinny chin chin at the moment
when people lie, it’s one of the stupidest things I‘ve ever heard). <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Amy is staring at me, she knows I was at
her house watching TV all weekend, but I stare her out, and try to tell her to
shut her face with my eyes. She doesn’t say anything.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">I feel really hot and know I’ve gone red
but I can’t stop lying, I say ‘I did meet her, ask my Dad, I got her autograph.’
<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Lisa says ‘Bring it in tomorrow then!’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">I say I will, and then go to the toilet because
I feel like my whole tummy is going to come out of my mouth. I lock myself in a
loo and start crying. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Amy knocks on the door. She says ‘Are you
ok Holl? What are you going to do?’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">I tell her that I don’t know, and that I
think I’m going to have to move school which makes Amy cry too because she can
be a bit soft like that sometimes. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">3.30pm<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">I run out of my classroom even faster than
usual and grab my little brother Josh, <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">who is in the little school cloakroom
trying to do his zip up. I yank his coat shut and make him run up to Dad who’s
waiting in the playground for us. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">I whisper to Dad ‘Don’t say anything to
anyone we need to get to the car and go home now’.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">3.40pm<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">In the car on the way home, I tell Dad all
about the lie and start crying again. I ask him if we can drive to the National
Indoor Arena in Birmingham where they make Gladiators and try to meet Jet. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Dad says he’s got a better plan.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">5.00pm <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">I don’t eat any dinner, even though it’s my
favourite, Findus Crispy Pancakes, I’m too nervous about Dad’s plan. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">I go and get my autograph book from my
special box in mine and Jenny’s room. Nanny Pam bought it for me when we went
to meet Shefali, the weather girl from Midlands today, at West Orchards
Shopping Centre last year. So far it only has Shefali’s signature in, but it’s
about to have Jet’s.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Dad practices what he thinks Jet’s
signature might be for a bit and I write what I think Dad should put in the
book, on a scrap piece of paper:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><i>Dear Holly, <o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><br /></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><i>It was really cool meeting you in Safeway on
Saturday. When you’re eighteen you can definitely be a Gladiator with me and
Wolf! I’ll speak to John Anderson and see if we can get you in soon for a VIP
tour and a go on the Travelator. <o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><br /></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><i>Friends Forever,<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><br /></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><i>Jet
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">6.00pm<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Dad says that it will look more real if we
just write ‘To Holly, Love Jet ’, because she wouldn’t have time to write a
lot. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Dad does big girly writing, draws a smiley
face inside the o in love and does a big X at the end.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"> ******<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><b>Today</b><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">11am <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">When we walk out of assembly I spot the beans
and sausages on the display table next to a bottle of Orange Tango and a box of
Mint Matchmakers, I think about someone having all that for dinner and it makes
me feel a bit better. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">I sneak back to my classroom and keep my
head down when I walk to my table, I can feel everyone looking at me. Lisa
comes over and say’s ‘Did you bring it then?’. I pull out my autograph book and
can feel my hands shaking, Tom comes over with Kevin to have a look as well. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">I open the first page and Tom asks ‘Who’s
signature is that?’ I tell him it’s Shefali’s and say that I met her at West
Orchards last year. He says ‘You met Shefali? What was she like?’ <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">Lisa looks at her shoes while I tell Tom
all about how me and Nanny Pam met Shefali, and how nice she is, and that she
told us what the weather was going to be like for the next few days, before
she’d even said it on the news. Then I show him Jet’s signature but he’s not
really as bothered. Lisa goes back to her table in a sulk, and me and Tom talk about other stuff for a bit.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
THE COVENTRY CONCHhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09657138415385334847noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-838119550910234768.post-63042424994827070752016-09-12T11:09:00.004-07:002016-09-12T11:09:48.854-07:00JACKIE'S MARVELLOUS MEDICINE<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; color: #666666; font-family: "Trebuchet MS", Trebuchet, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; line-height: 18.48px;">
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<!--StartFragment-->
</span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span lang="EN-US"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Dgmm36QjoLA/V9auFjAiojI/AAAAAAAAArI/jzHGz4ROUhQYuWtCZYq0cG51P_wLCdzrwCLcB/s1600/Super%2Bsoaker.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="425" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Dgmm36QjoLA/V9auFjAiojI/AAAAAAAAArI/jzHGz4ROUhQYuWtCZYq0cG51P_wLCdzrwCLcB/s640/Super%2Bsoaker.jpeg" width="640" /></a></span></div>
<span lang="EN-US">
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">3.00pm<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Me and my little brother Josh are playing
out with the kids who live on the next block, Kaliegh-Anne and Levi.
Kaliegh-Anne is my age and her little brother Levi is the same age as Josh. The
whole of Eastern Green calls their mum and dad, Jackie Potato, because their mum’s name is Jackie and their dad looks like a Potato. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Everybody says Jackie Potato are nutters,
and that when Potato disappeared for six months last year he was in prison for
nicking rare birds eggs (as if you can go to prison for that!). I don’t mind
them though.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"> Jackie is really shouty, even when she’s in a
good mood she shouts, ‘DO YOUSE WANT ANY SQUASH?’. She sometimes buys us
McDonalds when we go round though, and lets us go on her running machine in the
garage. She’s really thin, has black hair that she spikes up at the back, and always wears heels, even
her slippers have heels on! I think that she could be anywhere between thirty and
fifty years old, she wears so much make-up you can’t see her real face. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Potato eats Doritos and watches sport on the
telly all day with the curtains shut, I’ve never heard him speak or even seen
him move (there’s no way he’d get up a tree!). <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Me and Kaliegh-Anne are helping the boys
build a den out of the grass that’s just been cut on their block. The boys are
collecting all the grass and we’re making walls. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">3.15pm<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Josh starts crying. When I look round there’s
a load of older kids from Tile Hill with water guns, they’ve soaked Josh and
now they’ve started on Levi who has ran onto his front lawn and is banging the
door for Jackie to let him in. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Jackie opens the door and goes totally nuts
at the Tile Hill lot, they laugh at her and call her a mouthy cow, which
makes her turn red and lob one of her heels them. Once we’ve all ran inside
Jackie slams the door. From the blurry porch window we can see the Tile Hill
kids sitting on the grass out the front. They wreck the boy’s den and start
squirting the neighbours windows. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">3.30pm<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Jackie smokes loads of fags to calm down
and Potato switches from the football to the cricket. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Jackie Potato’s house is like ours on the
outside but inside its really different. Everywhere has flowery wallpaper
that’s gone yellow, and there’s a light up picture of Jesus next to Jackie’s ashtray
on the coffee table. Above the fake fire there’s a massive family photo that they
got done in West Orchards Shopping Centre. In it, Jackie and Kayleigh-Anne are
in matching pink dresses, Levi’s in a little suit, and Potato is in the
massive John Smiths t-shirt he always wears.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Jackie says she recognised one of the lads,
and that his mum works on the make-up counter in Debenhams. I think she’s going
to phone his Mum up at Debenhams but she comes up with another plan.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">3.35pm</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">We all go into the garage with Jackie and
she digs out two Supersoakers and some water bombs, which we take into the
kitchen. Jackie gets a massive jug out of a cupboard and tells us all to fill
it with any liquid we can think of. Jackie pours in a load of milk and I put
some Robinson’s Tropical Fruits in, then Levi adds some vinegar. Kayleigh-Anne
gets some Toilet Duck out from the cupboard under the sink but Jackie says, ‘I
ain’t going back to court for those little shits!’ and makes her put it back. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">3.50pm<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Once we’ve filled the jug me and
Kaleigh-Anne help Jackie to fill up the supersoakers and waterbombs with
Jackies Marevelous Medicine. I start to think that maybe Jackie is a proper
nutter and that I might need to take Josh home.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Before I can make up an excuse Jackie
starts shoving me into one of the yellow macs you get free on the log flume at
Drayton Manor. I look round and Kayleigh-Anne has one on too. Jackie hands us a
water gun each and pushes us out the door. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">The Tile Hill kids laugh their heads off
when they see us, and start shooting water at me and Kayleigh-Anne. We start pumping
up the water guns slowly at first, but when they start calling us soggy slags
we go for it! Kayliegh-Anne’s ready before me and starts shooting at them. </span><br />
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span>
<span lang="EN-US">They
keep laughing at us, and the girls in the gang do really stupid screams and
tell the boys that they’re wet. Then when they realise their tops are stained and they
smell like tropical milk and vinegar, they stop laughing and do real screams. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Jackie comes up behind us laughing like
mad. Levi and Josh are handing her water bombs and she’s lobbing them at the
kid’s who have started to run away. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Josh tries to chase one of the boys with a
water bomb and trips. The boy turns back and starts kicking Josh in the face.
We all jump on the him, but he won’t stop kicking. I start screaming and
crying, but before I can run to our block to get help, Potato comes out and
grabs the boy by his feet. Jackie grabs his arms and they drag him down the
grass toward the brook. Potato has dark green circles around his armpits on his
t-shirt and sounds like he’s just run a marathon after smoking a thousand fags. (THERE’S NO WAY HE’D GET UP A
TREE!!!) <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">I start worrying about the boy. I’ve fell
in the brook loads. It’s not very deep so you can’t drown in it, but when I
have fallen in, mum’s made me have a bath with a whole bottle of Dettol
in, because she says there’s rat wee in the brook and that can make you really poorly. What if the boy doesn’t know about the Dettol? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">When they get to the brook the boy is
crying and shaking, they let go of him right by the edge and he gets up and
legs it. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">I grab Josh and start legging it too! </span><br />
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span>
<span lang="EN-US">4.00pm</span><br />
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span>
<span lang="EN-US">When
we get home mum cleans Josh’s face, he’s just a bit scratched but Mum makes his
favourite butter and sugar sandwich to cheer him up. I tell Mum all about Jackie
Potato and she says Kayliegh-Anne and Levis can come and play round ours next
time. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<!--EndFragment--></span></div>
THE COVENTRY CONCHhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09657138415385334847noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-838119550910234768.post-28662601567725774682016-08-03T03:20:00.002-07:002016-08-03T04:17:48.732-07:00SMOKING WITH GRANDAD<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-9bNJdrw1ueQ/V6HD1ShzEPI/AAAAAAAAAqg/TvRTCvIrXZUvmr04v6ZwolORmW46x36gACLcB/s1600/Car%2Bash%2Btray.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="478" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-9bNJdrw1ueQ/V6HD1ShzEPI/AAAAAAAAAqg/TvRTCvIrXZUvmr04v6ZwolORmW46x36gACLcB/s640/Car%2Bash%2Btray.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">11am<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Some older kids have started hanging out on
the green in front of our house. They’re all dressed in black, and Jenny said
that they’re called Goths.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>One of them
is called Tasha, and, the other day, she started talking to me. I like her we
hate the same things like school, Baby Spice and orange Tic-Tacs. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Tasha said she would call on me today and
we could hang out together, so I’m getting ready. I find my long black velvet
skirt that I usually where with my orange velvet top to school disco’s and
family parties, but today I’m going to wear it with Jenny’s black shirt that
I’ve just started fitting into. I look in Mum and Dad’s chest of drawers for
anything else that’s black and find Dad’s black tie he wears for job interviews
and funerals. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">11.30am<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">I go downstairs and ask Dad if I can
borrow his tie and if he can put it on for me. Dad asks,<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>‘Are you sure you want to wear this Holl.
It’s thirty degrees outside?’ I tell Dad that I’m sure and think that he
doesn’t really get Goths.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Mum and Dad said I could hang out with
Tasha as long as I stay on the green outside our house where they can see me.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">12.00pm<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">When Tasha knocks at the door, I run
downstairs to answer it. She’s wearing a long black coat and has loads of black
make up on. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">We sit on the green for a bit and talk
about things we hate. Tasha says that she needs to go to Happy Shopper,
because it's the only place that will serve her fags. I look back at my house.
When I left, Mum was writing an essay for college, and Dad was sat in the
paddling pool, so I decide that they won’t notice me leave the green.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Tasha asks me if I’ve ever smoked, I lie
and tell her I did on holiday last year. She passes me the fag she’s smoking
and I put it in my mouth. Tasha tells me to inhale, but I hold my breath and
take it out again because I don’t want cancer.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Tasha talks about all the things she thinks
are tragic for a bit, which is pretty much anything.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Happy Shopper is tragic, a man picking up a
dog poo outside Threshers is tragic, a window cleaner across the road is
tragic, and people who like Terry’s Chocolate Oranges are tragic. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">1.00pm<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">I feel sick when I see Grandad’s car pull
up outside the shop. He gets out of his car, kicks the door shut and starts
walking towards the shop.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I think he’s
going to walk straight past, but he stops just before the entrance and sees me.
<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">‘Bloody hell Holl! I didn’t recognise you
there love. Why are you dressed like a vampire at a court appearance?’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">I shrug my shoulders and remember the fag
in my hand, which I pass back to Tasha. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>‘I’m
just picking up a few tins, but I’ll give you both a lift home,
if you hang on’ <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">When Grandad comes out the shop, we get in
his car. It's full of all the usual junk. This time there’s a load of videos
that say Titanic on them in Grandad’s handwriting. Grandad says, ‘Have you seen
that film yet, Holl? You can give your friend a copy, if you like. It's not
even out in Blockbusters yet! You’ll have to excuse the bit around two hours in
though, where a shadow gets up to go to the bog, that’s bits not meant to be in
the film.’ <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Tasha say’s she doesn’t want a copy, because
cheesy Hollywood films like that are tragic. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Grandad says, ‘You’re bloody right its
tragic, love!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Over fifteen hundred
people died on that on that boat…unsinkable my arse! Candy still cries when she
watches it, and she’s seen it twelve times!’ <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Grandad won’t shut up. I feel really hot. I
pull Dad’s tie to undo it, but it just makes it tighter and when I try to wind the
window down the handle comes off in my hand. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">‘And that poor bird Rose losing her
boyfriend Jack like that, she went on to be a<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>pilot and do all sorts, you know, and she’s still alive today!’ <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">I say, ‘I think they made that bit up for
the film Grandad.’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">‘Fuckin’ ell Holl, the Titanic’s not just a
film you know! This shit happened, I tell you what I’m bloody glad I don’t pay
any tax, it’d be wasted on your shite arse education.’ <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">I want Grandad to stop talking, so I don’t
argue with him. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">‘Anyway, Holl, I noticed you were smoking
outside the shop, and I’m not one to stop you. Forty a day for forty years and
look at me, apart from the asthma, psoriasis and angina, I’m doing pretty well
for fifty-eight. So, love, help yourself to the fags in the back. I got a load of
them from Turkey. They’re practically giving them away out there. Candy said
she wants a new extension and I said I’d build her one out of fag boxes, I’ve
got that many of em’!’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Grandad looks at me in his car mirror, ‘You
hear that, Holl?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I said I’d build an
extension for Candy out of fag boxes…anyway, go on light up.’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Tasha shoves loads of fags into her bag and
then lights one for us each. I just hold it and feel hotter than ever, and like
I might be sick and choke to death at the same time. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">1.20pm<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Tasha asks if she can get dropped off at
hers on the way back. She lives in one of the big new houses near the Co-op and
her front garden has a gnome playing golf on it. She jumps out the car and
shouts at us, ‘Cheers for the fags, yeah...!’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Grandad turns to me and says, ‘How are you
feeling love? You’re looking a bit peaky. You won’t wanna knock around smokin’
with Tuesday Adams anymore will yer? And what were you doing outside Happy
Shopper?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There’s some right scrotes
hangin’ round there.’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">I start crying and tell Grandad I just want
to go home.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">1.30pm</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">We get back to my house. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Mum asks me where I have been, and says that
she was really worried. Grandad says,<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>‘She’s been with me. I gave her and Rocky Horror a lift to the shops.' <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">‘She stinks of bloody smoke, Dad.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I told you I don’t want you chainin' it
around the kids anymore. I’m sick of having to wash their clothes every time
they see you.’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Grandad says that he’s sorry, and winks at
me. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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THE COVENTRY CONCHhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09657138415385334847noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-838119550910234768.post-85311605697349252082016-07-31T11:23:00.000-07:002016-07-31T11:23:45.941-07:00DAD AND THE RAT<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-s8-crqfO-z8/V55BQpydBdI/AAAAAAAAAqM/nLEKuF_NdMszt971s6222mDnh4b3-TEUACLcB/s1600/Rat%2BPick.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="424" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-s8-crqfO-z8/V55BQpydBdI/AAAAAAAAAqM/nLEKuF_NdMszt971s6222mDnh4b3-TEUACLcB/s640/Rat%2BPick.png" width="640" /></a></div>
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<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">4pm<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Even before I get to our block, on my way
back from school, I can hear Jenny on her Pogo stick out the front. Mum let her
skive school today, because it was sports day at the senior school, and Jenny
said it was against her beliefs. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">Ever since Jenny got the Pogo Stick for her
birthday, she’s been showing off on it. Mum even let her eat her dinner on it
last week. I had to pass her a battered sausage and each chip one at a time.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">When she sees me she says, ‘I’m setting a
new world record! If I stay on here another half hour, I’ll have smashed my
last one.' Jenny doesn’t even know what the actual world record is and she
doesn’t even have a watch on, but she still says she keeps smashing it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">I go up to the house and mum answers the
door. She puts her finger to her lips and tells me to ssshhhhh! <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Dad’s in the living room with his big green
parka on, holding a gun.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Last week, we saw a rat eating Tosca’s cat
food. Dad hasn’t got a job at the moment, so he’s spent the whole week trying
to shoot the rat with an air rifle that he borrowed off Uncle Steve.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">4.15pm<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">I go into the kitchen to make a cup of tea
for me and Dad and get us a Mint Viscount each. Nanny Pam’s round and she’s
chatting to Mum who’s making fish in a bag and potato waffles for dinner. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">I ask Nanny Pam if she wants a biscuit but
she says, ‘No thanks love, I’m saving all my Weight Watchers points for the all
you can eat at Wing Wa’s on Friday night. Me and Colin have been starving
ourselves all week. For tea last night all we had was a cuppa soup and a choc
ice.’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">4.20pm<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">I sit down next to Dad by the backdoor and
we both stare at Tosca’s cat bowl in silence for a bit. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Dad asks me if I had a good day at school.
I tell him it was ok, apart from everyone was being an immature as usual.
Today, they were all going on about the word blowjob. Zoe asked me if I’d ever
had a blowjob, and Kevin asked me if I was a blowjob. Then someone made a song
up about a blowjob, and everyone went around singing it in the playground until
the dinner ladies lost it at them. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">I tell Dad that I don’t actually know what
the word even means, but, if it’s anything like the wanker word, I don’t want
to. Dad says I won’t ever need to know what it means and then asks me if
anything good happened today.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">I say to Dad that the best bit of today was
when a dog went on to the school field this afternoon. Everyone went crazy!
Sammy screamed and said, ‘It’s a dog, it’s a dog’, like a stupid idiot that’s
never seen a dog before. Then they all got bored, and I watched him on my own
for the rest of the afternoon through the classroom window.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">I don’t tell Dad that I also managed to get
the reflection from my Jurassic Park watch to shine on Mr. Moore's head in
assembly this morning, which was funny for a bit, until I felt sorry for him. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">4.30pm<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">I ask Dad if he thinks we should lay some
more bait out for the rat. We both agree that a rat might like Bacon Frazzles, so
I go back into the kitchen to get some. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Nanny Pam’s talking to Mum about Dad. She
asks if he can get work in Germany again. Mum says he can, but he doesn’t want
to be away from the kids and he’s been too busy with the rat stuff anyway.
Nanny Pam asks Mum how she’s going to get the boiler fixed with no money coming
in. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">For the last few months, the boiler has been
broke. It’s been ok though, and it’s summer, so we don’t have to wear our
school coats to bed anymore. To have a bath we all run up the stairs with loads
of kettles and pans of hot water to fill it up. But most of the time, Mum heats
up a big pan of water and puts it in front of the T.V. in the living room. Then
me, Jenny, and our little brother, Josh, take it in turns to stand in it with a
flannel. The rule is you do your face first and bum last. I don’t know what
Nanny Pam’s on about. It’s ok not having a boiler. When does she ever get to
have a wash in front of the TV, anyway? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">4.40pm<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">BANG!!!!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">We all run up to the backdoor to look for
the dead rat, but it isn’t there. Dad says he shot it, and it ran into Carol's
garden, next-door, to die. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">I feel really sad. A bit because of the
rat, but mostly about Dad going back to Germany now that it’s dead. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">4.50pm<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">There’s a knock at the front door, and I
answer it. It’s Nanny Pam’s husband, Colin. He’s been to Macro and gives me a
massive tub of fizzy Cola Bottles, which makes me feel a bit better.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">5pm<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">We all sit at the table and eat dinner.
Jenny tells everyone about her world records, Nanny Pam tries to work out how
many points are in a potato waffle, and Josh puts bits of fish flakes in his
orange squash then drinks it. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Colin stares into the garden and asks, 'Is
that a rat eating Tosca’s cat food?’. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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THE COVENTRY CONCHhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09657138415385334847noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-838119550910234768.post-71298465880977836362016-06-19T12:14:00.000-07:002016-06-19T15:01:49.884-07:00TWO LIONS ON THE SHIRT<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; font-size: 12pt; margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
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has bought a big new house in Solihull. Candy has started going out with
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial";">6.30pm</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; color: black; font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial"; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-fareast-font-family: Arial;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; color: black; font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial"; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-fareast-font-family: Arial;">We
pull up to Grandad’s house. There's a drive and the front door has pillars
outside! Dad asks Mum, ‘What’s he done to pull this off?'<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; color: black; font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial"; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-fareast-font-family: Arial;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; color: black; font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial"; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-fareast-font-family: Arial;">Grandad
has a tan, and even more gold jewellery on than usual. He gives us a tour of
the house. There are five bedrooms and a Jacuzzi! Jenny asks Grandad if we can
go in, but he says he's not wasting a tenner heating it up for us to piss in
it. </span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial"; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; color: black; font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial"; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-fareast-font-family: Arial;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; color: black; font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial"; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-fareast-font-family: Arial;">In
Grandads bedroom there’s a giant picture of Candy in her bikini kissing a
dolphin. Grandad points at a smaller photo of him on the bedside table, in it he’s
got even more of a tan and dreadlocks. He says, ‘That’s me, dressed as Bob
Marley at a Jamaican night in the Costa Del Sol…bloody brilliant it was! Candy
went as Jamaican Cher!’ <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; color: black; font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial"; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-fareast-font-family: Arial;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; color: black; font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial"; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-fareast-font-family: Arial;">7.00pm</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial"; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; color: black; font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial"; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-fareast-font-family: Arial;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; color: black; font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial"; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-fareast-font-family: Arial;">The
football is on in the living room. Uncle Gary is sleeping in his car seat in
the corner, and Grandad’s mate, Ladders, is eating Doritos with one hand down
his pants on the sofa. </span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial"; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; color: black; font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial"; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; color: black; font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial"; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Ladders gets up, shakes Dad’s hand, and gives mum a sloppy kiss on the
cheek. I’m glad he doesn’t try and come near me, because his fingers and lips
are all orange and cheesy from the crisps. Dad smells his hand and goes to the
toilet. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; color: black; font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial"; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-fareast-font-family: Arial;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; color: black; font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial"; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-fareast-font-family: Arial;">England are playing Germany in the semi-final. Grandad and Ladders keep singing the
Dad’s Army theme tune. I think they’re both drunk, because there are beer cans
everywhere, and when Ladders gets up to shout at the TV he sways and forgets
what he’s shouting at.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; color: black; font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; color: black; font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial";">Me and Jenny practice our goal celebrations. Jenny is going over the top as usual, she does a cartwheel and ends in the splits. I do a star jump and clap.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; color: black; font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; color: black; font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 12pt;">8.15pm</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; color: black; font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial"; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-fareast-font-family: Arial;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; color: black; font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial"; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-fareast-font-family: Arial;">At
half time Candy comes into the living room holding a cake she's made and say's, ‘Happy football day, everybody! Look, it's shaped like a football especially...'</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial"; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; color: black; font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial"; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; color: black; font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial"; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Grandad says, 'What round? Aren’t all cakes round anyway?' <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; color: black; font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial"; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-fareast-font-family: Arial;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; color: black; font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial"; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-fareast-font-family: Arial;">'Well,
yeah, but…oh shut up you tosser!'</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial"; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; color: black; font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial"; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; color: black; font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial"; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Grandad snaps a big bit off with his hand and eats it, then he says,
'Candy what did you use to make this cake?'<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; color: black; font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial"; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; color: black; font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial"; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">'You know I used a packet mix. I bought it from Londis, with you! What
are you getting at?'<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; color: black; font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial"; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-fareast-font-family: Arial;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; color: black; font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial"; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-fareast-font-family: Arial;">'Oh
nothing, sweetheart, it just tastes like you made it out of dog shit that's
all.' </span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial"; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; color: black; font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial"; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-fareast-font-family: Arial;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; color: black; font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial"; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-fareast-font-family: Arial;">Ladders
sniffs the cake, pulls a stupid face at Grandad, as if he’s dying, then asks
Candy, </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; color: black; font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial"; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-fareast-font-family: Arial;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; color: black; font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial"; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-fareast-font-family: Arial;">'Any of them Clubs left?'</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial"; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; color: black; font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial"; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; color: black; font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial"; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Candy slams the cake down in front of Grandad’s feet on the coffee table,
and tells Grandad to stop showing off to his alchy mate. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; color: black; font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial"; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; color: black; font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial"; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">8.30pm<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; color: black; font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial"; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-fareast-font-family: Arial;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; color: black; font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial"; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-fareast-font-family: Arial;">Grandad
says he's got me and Jenny an England shirt each. He goes into the cupboard
under the stairs and pulls out a bin bag, then chucks a shirt at Jenny. </span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial"; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; color: black; font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial"; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-fareast-font-family: Arial;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; color: black; font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial"; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-fareast-font-family: Arial;">Nobody's
eating the cake, so I help myself, to make Candy feel better, and because I
quite like the taste of really salty stuff anyway. </span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial"; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; color: black; font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial"; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-fareast-font-family: Arial;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; color: black; font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial"; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-fareast-font-family: Arial;">Grandad
says to me, 'I've only got XL left for you Holl, but you'll soon grow into it,
the way your putting that cake away. I'm sorry to say it love, but it looks
like you've got the family fat gene off your Nan.'</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial"; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; color: black; font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial"; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; color: black; font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial"; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">I say, 'Nanny Pam's not fat!'<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; color: black; font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; color: black; font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 12pt;">'No,
love, but she could be if she ate more.' </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; color: black; font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial"; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; color: black; font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial"; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">I have no idea what Grandad’s on about. I know I don't want to wear
Nanny Pam's fat jeans though, the last time I wore her jeans was a disaster! I
think about whether I’m fat and decide that I’m not, but I stop eating the cake
just in case.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; color: black; font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial"; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-fareast-font-family: Arial;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; color: black; font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial"; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-fareast-font-family: Arial;">The
shirts don't look like the ones everyone has at school. We put them on and
start singing 'Three lions on the shirt…' then Jenny points out our shirts only
have two lions and they look more like beavers. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; color: black; font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; color: black; font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial"; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-fareast-font-family: Arial;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; color: black; font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial"; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-fareast-font-family: Arial;">9pm<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; color: black; font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial"; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-fareast-font-family: Arial;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; color: black; font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial"; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-fareast-font-family: Arial;">Ladders wakes Uncle Gary up by shouting and swearing at the TV. </span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 12pt;">Candy
lets me hold him for a bit. He's fat and tiny at the same time and his face is all squashed up and red like Grandads. </span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 12pt;">He grabs my finger in his little fist,
and I sing Football's Coming Home to him, which I think he likes, because he
kicks his fat little legs. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; color: black; font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial"; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-fareast-font-family: Arial;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; color: black; font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial"; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-fareast-font-family: Arial;">10pm</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial"; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; color: black; font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial"; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-fareast-font-family: Arial;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; color: black; font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial"; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-fareast-font-family: Arial;">England
lose, and Grandad kicks off. He says ‘I was there when the bombs <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; color: black; font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial"; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-fareast-font-family: Arial;">were
coming down, those cheeky little fuckers still owe us one!’ </span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial"; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; color: black; font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial"; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-fareast-font-family: Arial;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; color: black; font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial"; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-fareast-font-family: Arial;">Mum
says, ‘You were born in 1946, Dad! Now stop swearing and being a racist prick
in front on the kids!’ </span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial"; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; color: black; font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial"; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; color: black; font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial"; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Ladders is definitely drunk. He’s been on the floor since the penalties started, when he fell over showing Grandad how to take one. Grandad gets a big bottle of red
booze from the shelf above the TV. He opens Ladders mouth and starts pouring it in, then he asks Dad, ‘Who does Ladders remind you of?’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; color: black; font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial"; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; color: black; font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial"; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Dad says ‘Right, it’s time to go, get your shoes on kids’. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; color: black; font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial"; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-fareast-font-family: Arial;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; color: black; font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial"; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-fareast-font-family: Arial;">Grandad
say’s ‘He’s Gazza, you know, doing the dentist chair.’ </span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial"; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; color: black; font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial"; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; color: black; font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial"; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Ladders is coughing and laughing at the same time, and the booze is
going all over his face and the carpet.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; color: black; font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial"; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-fareast-font-family: Arial;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; color: black; font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial"; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-fareast-font-family: Arial;">Candy
comes in looks at Grandad sat on top of Ladders, and shouts ‘Get the fuck out
you two!’ Then she looks at me and says all nice, ‘Holly, do you want to take
the rest of that cake home, sweetheart, you looked like you were really enjoying
it?’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; color: black; font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial"; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-fareast-font-family: Arial;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; color: black; font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial"; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-fareast-font-family: Arial;">10.30pm</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; color: black; font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial"; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-fareast-font-family: Arial;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; color: black; font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial"; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-fareast-font-family: Arial;">In
the car on the way home, Dad says that we’re not ever going round Grandad's house again, but he always says that. Me and Jenny sing, ‘Two lions on the
shirt’, and do impressions of Ladders pretending to be Gazza.</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial"; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<!--EndFragment--></span></div>
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THE COVENTRY CONCHhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09657138415385334847noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-838119550910234768.post-1719641940333769662016-05-17T02:41:00.000-07:002016-05-17T02:41:00.388-07:00NEW FRIENDS<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-HJ13Z9EJBjA/Vzrlsmj4xPI/AAAAAAAAApU/J3JVYFpU2QUx9GsKIsL5KN3SNAkVTPmSQCKgB/s1600/New%2BFriends%2BImage.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="354" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-HJ13Z9EJBjA/Vzrlsmj4xPI/AAAAAAAAApU/J3JVYFpU2QUx9GsKIsL5KN3SNAkVTPmSQCKgB/s640/New%2BFriends%2BImage.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">10am<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">I’m feeding my Tamagotchi a burger and getting
ready to go to a sleepover at my cousin Amy’s house. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">The phone rings and Mum says it’s for me.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">11am<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Zoe from my school has rang! Nobody ever
rings me from school apart from Amy and she doesn’t count because she’s my
cousin. I’m in the school play with Zoe, Sammy and Lisa and they’ve started
letting me hang out with them a bit at lunch times. I’m so excited, this is the
first time I’ve actually been allowed to Zoe’s house!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">I ring Amy and tell her I can’t come round,
she says it’s fine, but I feel a bit bad. We’ve been planning a sleepover all
week and were meant to meet at Londis in an hour to get supplies. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">12.00pm<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Zoe lives in a big house on the new estate,
she told me she has a bathroom in her bedroom and her mum and dad have a car
each! I’ve never been to her house before, but I know what it looks like. Nanny
Pam likes going round the show home on the estate with me every couple of weeks
to ‘see how the other half live’. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">The doorbell plays a really long song and then
Zoe’s Dad, Ian, answers the door. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Ian say’s to Dad ‘This rain wasn’t forecast
‘ <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Dad
say’s ‘What’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">‘This rain wasn’t forecast, I’ll have to
move the new motor into the garage’ <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Both Dad’s look at Ian’s new car. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">‘Vauxhall Calibra, drove her straight of
the tarmac last week. It was a cheeky birthday pressie to meself. To Ian, happy
birthday mate, Love Ian’ <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Dad says, ‘Right, well erm, what time shall
I pick Holl up’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Ian says to me ‘You can stay for tea if you
want Holly Pop, so Dad can pick you up around five’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Dad looks at me and gives me a really stupid
smile, I know he can’t wait to take the mick out of Ian, but he just says ‘see
you later Holl’ and walks to his car.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">1pm<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Ian shows me to Zoe’s room and I go in. Zoe
and Lisa are sat on the carpet sticking stuff into their Fun Faxes. I sit down
next to them and they ask me about the people at school. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Zoe’s room is pink and she has a million
Sillvanian families everywhere. The hedgehog family is having a picnic on her
windowsill and a mummy rabbit is doing a food shop on the bedside table. If my
sister, Jenny, was here she would say Zoe’s room is babyish and sexist, but I
like it. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Zoe and Lisa start talking about Sammy who
isn’t here yet, they both say they don’t want Sammy to come round because they
don’t like her anymore and that they wish she wasn’t in the play. They say they
like me more and ask me if I like Sammy, I feel really hot and then I start to
lie. I say I don’t like Sammy either and that I think she’s rubbish in the
play, and then I get carried away and start saying her lines in a stupid voice.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">They both start laughing. Then Zoe opens
the bathroom door. Sammy is stood by the sink and is crying because she has
been listening to everything.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Zoe and
Lisa said they lied to test if I was a true friend. I start shaking and tell
Sammy I’m sorry and that I didn’t mean it, but the other girls are hugging her
and tell me to leave her alone. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">I run downstairs and ask Zoe’s dad if I can
use the phone. I ring home and Mum answers. I tell her what happened and that
when Dad gets home he needs to come back and get me.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">1.30pm<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">I have to wait for ages for Dad to come. I
tell Ian and Zoe’s Mum Julie, that I have to go home because I feel really
hot. They give me some squash with ice in to try and cool me down, and I sit on
the sofa watching Sky TV with them for a bit. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Julie looks out of the living room window
into the garden and says ‘ There’s that squirrel again Ian’.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">We all walk over to the window to look at
the squirrel, Julie asks ‘Whys it on the bird feeder eating those nuts’. I
think in my head that Julie’s a boring idiot.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">1.45pm<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Dad finally gets to Zoe’s and when Ian
answers the door I run out. Ian say’s to Dad ‘the sun’s still trying to come
out, Shifali said it was forecast for this afternoon on the weather last night,
but it’s going on two now and it looks like it might rain again’ <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Dad says ‘sorry, I’ve got no idea what you’re
on about, see ya later yeah’. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">We get in the car and I start crying I tell
Dad about what happened, he said I shouldn’t have been nasty and that he didn’t
think I was like that, which makes me cry even more. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">We drive out of Zoe’s horrible estate and Dad
starts to take the mick out of Ian to make me laugh ‘To Ian, happy birthday you
boring arsewipe! Hope a bird crap’s on yer car, love Ian’. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Dad says we can go through the car wash, to
cheer me up. I ask if we can pick Amy up on the way. Amy likes going
through the carwash too because you can pretend you’re on Funhouse.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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THE COVENTRY CONCHhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09657138415385334847noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-838119550910234768.post-32729218581595604412016-04-11T04:49:00.000-07:002016-04-11T08:35:01.496-07:00THE FIGHT<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-bfAavTK0yO8/VwuMH7Rv2KI/AAAAAAAAAnU/ic0olQVw8LkSDTQOR0hBPvd-u9hkjvyOw/s1600/magic%2Beye.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="448" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-bfAavTK0yO8/VwuMH7Rv2KI/AAAAAAAAAnU/ic0olQVw8LkSDTQOR0hBPvd-u9hkjvyOw/s640/magic%2Beye.jpeg" width="640" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">9am<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">It’s Tuesday and I forgot we do P.E. on
Tuesday, which means I forgot got my kit, which means I have to get kit from
the Tramp Box.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I hate P.E! I was lucky
last year and broke my collarbone, so I got out of it for a few months.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">The Tramp Box is in the school
receptionist's office. I stare at the magic eye picture on the wall in the
corridor, while I wait for her to answer the door. It’s a shark. It’s always a
shark. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Mrs Minty, the receptionist, asks if I need
a hand picking some P.E. kit, but I tell her I don’t, because I like picking my
own clothes now. I pick a lime green Hi Tech T-shirt and some Adidas poppers.
The Adidas poppers are pretty tight and come up to my shins, but at least
they’re cooler than the<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>baggy brown<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>joggers that I had to wear last week. I can’t
find any trainers in my size, so I just keep my school shoes on. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">9.20 am<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">When I get back Kevin, the new boy in my
class, coughs and says,' tramp', at the same time. He’s been trying to show off
by being nasty to me ever since he started. Nanny Pam say’s he’s just jealous.
I asked her what he would be jealous of, and she said my personality. I think
she was just saying that to make me feel better though, nobody is jealous of a
personality.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">9.30 am<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">We’re playing rounders and our teacher has split
us into teams. Kevin ‘s been made captain of my team and he decides who gets to
bat first by making us all put our feet in a circle. Then he goes round hitting
our feet and saying ‘ip dip dog shit, fucking bastard you are not it.’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Kevin cheats and skips everyone’s feet, so I’m
out first. I don’t care that I won’t get to bat for ages, I like sitting on the
bench and thinking about things, while everyone else runs around like idiots.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">9.45am<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">It’s finally my turn to bat. I walk up to the
spot you have to stand in, and wait for the bowler to get his hands out of his
pants and throw the ball to me.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">I miss three times and I’m out. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">When I walk back to the bench Kevin asks
me, ' What the fuck did you do that for?’ I tell him to bog off. When I go to
sit back on the bench he shoves me with his shoulder. I hold the bat up in the
air and think about whether or not to smash it in his stupid face, but then the
teacher blows her whistle at us. I chuck the bat near Kevin’s feet. He screams
and calls me 'a psycho'. Even though it didn’t even hit him.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">11am<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">It’s break time, but me and Kevin have to
stay in and write a letter to each other. The teacher said that we have to say
sorry in the letter and write something nice about each other. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">I write:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Dear
Mr. Kevin Fitzpatrick,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">I’m very sorry for dropping the bat near to
your body (I’m happy it didn’t actually hit you. I would never have been able
to forgive myself if it actually hit you) after you called me a tramp, swore
and took the mickey out of me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">I like your pencil case, because it’s
Jurassic Park and that’s my favorite film at the moment. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Yours sincerely,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Miss. Holly Patricia Watson<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">11.20am<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">At the end of break we swap letters,
Kevin’s says:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">To Holy Sorry yor hare is nice. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
From Kev</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">3.30pm<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Nanny Pam picks me up from school. In the
car, I tell her about my crap day and show her the letter. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Nanny Pam says she thinks Kevin fancies me
and says, 'Sometimes when men behave like arseholes, it means they love you.
Just look at your Grandad. He was a miserable arse to me every single day of
our marriage, but I knew deep down he loved me and still does.’ <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">I think about whether I could force myself
to fancy Kevin back. I’ve never had a boyfriend and I’m eleven now. Nanny Pam
told me the other day about her friend Big Maureen that’s been left on the
shelf. I imagine myself sat next to Big Maureen on a shelf in Nanny Pam’s
living room. I think I'd rather be sat there for the rest of my life than go out with Kevin!</span></div>
THE COVENTRY CONCHhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09657138415385334847noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-838119550910234768.post-57069895940086569962016-03-20T12:08:00.000-07:002016-03-21T02:11:59.286-07:00GRANDAD'S SHOP<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-DcM5T4aEbVE/Vu7bu-sL42I/AAAAAAAAAm4/bhptx2kuTfMn2Np4kZgJ1bBN3qHD09q4A/s1600/FullSizeRender.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="618" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-DcM5T4aEbVE/Vu7bu-sL42I/AAAAAAAAAm4/bhptx2kuTfMn2Np4kZgJ1bBN3qHD09q4A/s640/FullSizeRender.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">8am<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">It’s Saturday and I’m sniffing Joop in Mum
and Dad’s room. Dad has got a job, but it means he has to live in Germany and
we only get to see him once a month. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Last week I sprayed Joop on my school
jumper so I could smell Dad all day. Zoe in my class said I smelled like her
Uncle Tony though, and everyone called me Uncle Tony, so
now I just sniff the bottle.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">8.30am<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Mum’s working in Grandad’s shop today. He gave Aunty Mandy the sack last week, for giving Nanny Pam a
discount, and begged mum to work last night. We have to go too because Nanny Pam's in Tenerife with her boyfriend Colin, and can't look after us. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">9.30am<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">We get to Grandad’s shop and he’s having a
fag outside. He blocks the door to the shop with his leg, so we can’t go in. Then
he tells us his list of shop rules:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US" style="text-indent: -18pt;">1.<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal;"> </span></span><span lang="EN-US" style="text-indent: -18pt;">Don’t call me Grandad; there
are lots of lovely young ladies round ‘ere that think I’m still in me forties.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US" style="text-indent: -18pt;">2.<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal;"> </span></span><span lang="EN-US" style="text-indent: -18pt;">Don’t touch anything!</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US" style="text-indent: -18pt;">3. Don't go near the aisle closest to </span><span style="text-indent: -18pt;">the back door!</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="text-indent: -18pt;">4.You can have one bag of pic-n-mix
each, but don’t take the piss, none of the posh stuff with wrappers on. And don’t
open the tub of foam bananas, I trapped a fly in there yesterday and I don’t
think the bastards dead yet.</span><span style="text-indent: -18pt;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">10am<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">The inside of Grandad’s shop smells like
wee and dettol. There is junk everywhere, and Grandad has made some of the
shelves himself out of stacked up old fag boxes and planks of wood.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Me and Jenny push Josh up and down the shop
in his buggy, and look at all the stuff. It’s hard pushing the buggy because
the whole shop floor has thick hairy carpet. Jenny says the orange and brown swirly pattern
on it is to hide all the dog poo and </span>sick.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Grandad
sells all sorts, fishing rods, tin openers, fake stuff… We try on some
Roy Ban’s sunglasses and Jenny sprays on some Melvin Klien perfume. I smell the bottle that looks like Joop but its called Dupe, it doesn't smell anything like Dad.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">I ask Jenny what she thinks is in the aisle
we’re not allowed in. Jenny says it’s probably guns, tear gas and grenades, but
I think she’s just saying that because she’s been learning about World War One
at school. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">11am<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">An old lady asks Mum at the till if she can
have a discount on a plate because it has a crack in. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Grandad snatches the plate off Mum and smashes it on the floor. Then he says, ‘You can have it for
free love.’ <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Mum says sorry to the old lady, but she
just says something about ‘bloody gyppos’ and walks out the shop. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Grandad shouts after her, ‘Don’t bother
coming back unless you can afford the price tag, you tight arsed old cow…’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">12pm <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Grandad has gone out to the cash and carry and
Mum is sorting out the rental videos near the front of the shop. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Me and Jenny leave Josh in the garden
ornament aisle with a little stone hedgehog and a bag of pic-n-mix. Then we
sneak to the aisle nearest the back door. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">There is lots of dressing up stuff for
grown-ups. One of the outfits is really shiny and looks like a cross between a
police woman and a swimming costume, and the lady on the packaging has lots of
make-up on. Jenny passes me a candle that is shaped like a willy
and I pretend to do a wee with it. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">There’s loads of other weird stuff too.
Jenny told me what condoms do last year, but I still don’t really get it. I
don’t think she even understands what the Pina-Colada flavoured ones we find are
for though. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">1pm<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Grandad comes back with lunch. He’s holding
a bag of chips in one hand and is picking his nose with the other. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">He serves the chips up with his hands and
puts them on paper plates for us all. Me and Jenny inspect each chip for bogeys before we eat them. Mum doesn’t eat anything. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">4pm<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Grandad gives mum some money for working,
but says that he’s taking off the money for the chips, so she only gets a
tenner. I feel really angry at Grandad. I wouldn’t have eaten any of those
bogey chips if I knew mum had to pay for them. When Grandad’s not looking me and Jenny stuff a load of posh pic-n-mix under Josh’s buggy.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">6pm<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">We get home and Mum lets us ring Dad. When
it’s Jenny’s turn to speak, she tells him all about the funny outfits in
Grandad’s shop. I know she’s told Dad on purpose as he won’t let us go there
again.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">I tell Dad that I miss him and read him the postcard Nanny Pam sent us from Tenerife. He laughs when I tell him the bit about Colin eating a dodgy roast dinner at the beach bar, and losing a stone in one night. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
6.30pm</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Mum has locked her bedroom door and we can hear her crying. Jenny says its because Grandad's been an arse hole and she misses Dad. We push some posh pic 'n' mix under her door until she lets us in, then we snuggle and watch Blind Date. </div>
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THE COVENTRY CONCHhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09657138415385334847noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-838119550910234768.post-42871542123369764722016-01-24T08:42:00.000-08:002016-01-24T08:48:59.749-08:00LADIES NIGHT<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<img border="0" height="416" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-B6rXd8LN27U/VqO9xWl3CPI/AAAAAAAAAmM/vKh1HEKTfEM/s640/Ladies_Night_1.jpg" width="640" /><a href="http://www.hannahslaney.com/" target="_blank">www.hannahslaney.com</a></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">6pm<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Mum and Dad have gone to see my Uncle
Steve’s band, Spaghetti Funktion, play. Jenny and me are too young to watch a
band, so we’re getting dropped off round Nanny Pam’s house. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Mum wasn’t sure about letting us go to
Nanny Pam’s tonight, because she’s having one of her Ladies nights. I heard
Nanny Pam tell her it would be ok though, because Derek’s put his back out, so won’t be able to perform this time. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">When we get to Nanny Pam’s, Maeve answers
the door. Maeve works with Nanny Pam on the fag counter in Tesco. I like her, she tells funny stories. Once she told us that her sister had collected
all the hair from her Alsatian out of the carpet for three years, and then made
a jumper out of it. Another time she said an elephant nicked a Wagon Wheel out
of her handbag at West Midlands Safari park. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">A few more of Nanny Pam’s friends from the
fag counter and neighbors are sat in her living room.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Nanny Pam is showing them her new dimmer
switch by turning the light off, and then turning it back on really slowly. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">6.15pm<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Maeve gets a fag out of her purse and
lights it with her rudey naked man lighter. Nanny Pam asks, ‘What the hell are
you smoking? They bloody stink!’ Maeve says she’s got a bit of a cold, so she’s
smoking menthols.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">6.45pm<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">I’m not sure I like ladies night so far. A
cheesy looking lady called Lisa, who smells like the sniffy bits in the Avon
catalogue, is trying to sell some plastic boxes. Nanny Pam’s friends keep
asking her really stupid questions about putting them in the microwave. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">7pm<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">After everyone fills out plastic box order
forms, we go into the kitchen. Nanny Pam has put on a buffet. All the food is
brown, apart from the ham, which is grey. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Cheesy Lisa asks what the triangle things
on the silver platter are. Nanny Pam tells her that they are ‘SAM MO SA’S’. Lisa
nibbles one and starts fanning her mouth. She says, ‘I’m sorry, Pam, but
they’re way too spicy for me. I’m not a lover of Chinese food’. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Maeve makes a joke about the little wrinkly
sausages and her husband. Everyone laughs. I look at Jenny and she’s laughing
too. I know she’s faking though, because she’s going really over the top and
pretending to wipe tears away from her eyes. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<img border="0" height="416" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Nobn0sq1nzw/VqO9zXLE2kI/AAAAAAAAAmY/fmOj1vGQSgQ/s640/Ladies_Night_4.jpg" width="640" /><a href="http://www.hannahslaney.com/" target="_blank">www.hannahslaney.com</a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">7.30pm<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">The doorbell rings, and Nanny Pam leaves
the kitchen to answer it. When she comes back she says, ‘Ladies, say hello to
Mystic Mickey!’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Mystic Mickey is wearing a baggy suit with
a big collar and has weird hair that is white and spiky. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">He says, ‘Now then, ladies, who’s ready to
talk to the other side? When I say are you ready to let the spirits enter, you
all need to say, ‘Yes, Mickey.’ So, are you ready to let the spirits enter?’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">We all say, ‘Yes, Mickey’ <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">7.40pm<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Nanny pam dims the light, and Jenny and me
sit really close to each other on the puff.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Mickey starts by asking his spirit guide,
Gary, to help him. He says that Gary lives on the other side and can go and
fetch people we want to speak to. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>‘Are
you there Gary, Gary are you there?’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">I hold Jenny’s hand when Mickey starts
speaking in a weird high voice, ‘I’m here Mickey, and I have someone with me.
He wants to say that he’s having a cuppa and he’s happy now.’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Nanny Pam’s neighbour Maureen, says it sounds
like her husband, Ron.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Mickey says in his normal voice, ‘Gary, do
we have Ron with us?’ <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Then, he says in his weird voice, ‘It is
Ron and he wants to say that he’s ok and he’s remembering a holiday that they
had somewhere hot. Was it Spain…Portugal…Greece?…’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Maureen starts crying and says, ‘Wales…
he’s talking about our holiday in Wales.’ <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Mickey says, ‘Yes, that’s right Wales!
Anyway, Ron wants you to know the dinners are alright up here, but they’re not
as nice as yours. He’s got to go now, though. His favourite program is about to
start on the telly.’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Maureen says, ‘But he only really liked the
snooker, and that’s not on for another month…’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Mystic Mickey replies, ‘Ron says the
schedules are different up here.’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">8pm<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">After Cheesy Lisa has spoken to her Great
Aunty on the other side and Maeve has spoken to her dead budgie, Mystic Mickey starts
going on about<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Gary being tired and
needing to pack it in for the evening. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Everyone goes back into the kitchen for a
drink. Me and Jenny watch Mystic Mickey sniff a samosa and eat six vol-au-vents,
while Maureen asks him all about Ron and whether he’s met another woman on the
other side.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">9pm<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">When everyone’s gone, me, Jenny and Nanny
Pam snuggle up on the sofa. I ask Nanny Pam if she was sad that she didn’t get
to speak to anyone. Nanny Pam says she’s not arsed, because everything Mickey said
was a load of crap... it’s never hot in Wales. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Nanny Pam promises that when she dies
she’ll come back and haunt us herself, so we don’t have to waste forty quid on
Mystic Mickey.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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THE COVENTRY CONCHhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09657138415385334847noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-838119550910234768.post-76612393743759013392015-12-06T04:16:00.000-08:002015-12-08T03:32:58.459-08:00THE CHRISTMAS DISCO<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><span style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><a href="http://www.hannahslaney.com/"><img border="0" height="640" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-mxt1lZamlCE/VmHjZXo89xI/AAAAAAAAAkU/r3b64l8eliM/s640/O44C2138.jpg" width="420"></a></span></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: left;"><a href="http://www.hannahslaney.com/">www.hannahslaney.com </a><a href="https://www.instagram.com/hannahslaneyphotography/"> </a></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-US"><br></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-US">5pm<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-US"><br></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-US">Mum is helping me get ready for the Christmas disco. I’m </span><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;">wearing a black velvet skirt with an orange velvet crop top
and Mum has crimped my hair and sprayed it with glitter.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-US">I’ve borrowed some of Mum’s perfume called
Sunflowers. I’m not sure if I smell nice or not, because Jenny says that I
smell like Toilet Duck. I think Jenny’s just jealous though. She has to stay in
and look at the new Next catalogue with Mum and Nanny Pam all night, because
she’s too old to come to the disco.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-US">5.30pm<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-US"><br></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-US">I have to get a lift with Grandad, because
Dad’s car broke down outside Londis last week.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-US">Grandad is late! His car is full of all his
usual junk from carboot sales, but this time there’s a load of Christmas stuff
too. I have to sit with a Father Christmas doll on my lap that dances and plays
Another Rock N’ Roll Christmas when you press it’s belly. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-US">Grandad makes me hold the seat belt in the
socket the whole way, because he says it’s buggered, and he keeps singing the
same line from a really annoying song about driving home for Christmas.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-US"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>‘Driving home for Christmas...in me car... driving
home for Christmas'<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-US">When we pull up to the school, I can see
Tom from my class standing outside the gate. I hide behind the Father Christmas
Doll, which starts singing and dancing again. Tom looks really good. He’s had
his haircut; it’s all shaved apart from a fringe, which he’s gelled into
points. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-US">Grandad asks me what I’m hiding for, then
looks at Tom and say’s, ‘There’s something you should know about boys,
sweetheart, we’re only after one thing. You don’t want to end up getting knocked
up like your mother did. Now, we like you love, but you and your sister were massive,
massive mistakes. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-US">Ok, have fun. I might be able to pick you
up later’. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-US">6.00pm<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-US">I walk into school. It feels funny seeing
it in the dark. In the corridor outside the school hall some of the teachers
are selling orange juice and sweets. The teachers are dressed in their normal
teacher clothes except they have jeans on. The only grown up who’s made an
effort is Mr. Haywood, the Caretaker. He’s wearing a sequin waistcoat, a piano
tie and a light up Father Christmas hat.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-US">While I wait for my cousin, Amy, to come and meet me, I have an orange juice to calm my nerves. Amy hates school as much
as I do and I had to beg her to come to the disco. I told her how much I wanted Tom
to see me in my velvet outfit and that we could practice our dancing.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-US">When Amy gets here I have another orange juice
with her and we go into the hall together. The DJ is rubbish. He keeps saying
stupid things on his microphone, like: ‘I can’t hear you guys having F F F Fun’. I’m
not even sure he’s a real DJ, I think he's Natalie’s dad. The lights look
really cool though, and me and Amy try and stamp on the same light as it moves
around the room.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-US">The DJ says, ‘Here’s your first slowy of
the night L L L Lovebirds’ and starts playing the song from Robin Hood. Me and Amy
start singing along really loudly in a cheesy way, but everyone else starts to
walk around slowly and boys and girls start dancing with each other. I look
around for Tom and he’s dancing with Lisa from our class. My eyes start to
sting a bit, so I ask Amy if she wants another drink.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-US">The song lasts ages, I manage to have three
orange juices before it’s even finished. When I get home, I’m writing ‘Robin
Hood Song’ on the list of things I hate in the back of my diary, it can go
under Cheese Strings and Liars. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-US">6.30pm<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-US">We drink one more orange juice before we go
back into the hall to dance. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-US">After YMCA and Wig Wam Bam, the DJ plays
Saturday Night by Whigfield, everyone gets into lines and starts doing the
dance. I start to feel a bit weird but I keep dancing. Half way through my
tummy feels horrible, I do the bit where you jump and clap, then I start being sick all over the place. A
lot of people don’t see and carry on dancing, then they start slipping in the
orange juice sick until it gets everywhere and someone tells a teacher, who
evacuates the hall. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-US">7pm<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-US">I’m sat on a bench in the hall with Amy, my
teacher, Mrs Woods, and a bucket. Everyone else is in the corridor apart from
Mr. Haywood, who is cleaning up the sick with a mop; he’s taken his sequin waistcoat off and is
whistling along to Last Christmas. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
feel really sad watching Mr. Haywood and start to cry a bit. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-US">7.30pm<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-US">Most people have gone home, but I’m still
stood outside the school gate waiting for Grandad to pick me up. Tom is waiting
by the gate for his mum. I’m not in the mood to try and show off to him, so I
just concentrate on smoothing out the velvet on my skirt where the sick was.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-US">Tom asks me why I was sick. I tell him I
had too much to drink, which makes it sound like I was drunk, which I think
sounds better.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-US">Tom says that it looked really funny when
everyone was skidding in the sick. I tell him I saw Mrs. Woods fall over in it
(even though I didn’t). Tom laughs and says it was the best bit of the disco. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-US"><br></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-US">7.45pm<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-US">Grandad pulls up and shouts out of his car
window, ‘She’s not interested in lads who can only afford half a haircut and can’t
even give her a lift home.' I get in the car. </span>Tom waves at me and I wave back. I think that Tom can't fancy Lisa that much if he likes me being sick more than dancing with her.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-US">Grandad starts singing again, but I don’t
even care. I think that this might be the best night of my life. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br></div>
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THE COVENTRY CONCHhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09657138415385334847noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-838119550910234768.post-69870555136319750182015-10-21T13:23:00.000-07:002015-10-21T13:26:17.223-07:00HALLOWEEN<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-5fall2mHREg/VifyzXg9ASI/AAAAAAAAAjw/GN5LIvB1TyY/s1600/photo.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="482" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-5fall2mHREg/VifyzXg9ASI/AAAAAAAAAjw/GN5LIvB1TyY/s640/photo.JPG" width="640" /></a></div>
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<span lang="EN-US"><o:p><br /></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><o:p> 5.00pm</o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><o:p><br /></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Me and Jenny are going Trick or Treating,
and Mum is helping me to get ready. I want to be a Vampire Witch Cat, so I’m
wearing a black bin bag, fangs and fake blood from Londis, and Mum’s drawing my
whiskers on with her eyeliner. Nanny Pam’s lent me some cat ears, from a
dressing up box in her bedroom. Jenny’s upstairs making her own outfit, because
she said she didn’t need any help.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">This is the first time I’ve ever been
allowed to go Trick or Treating, but I know what it’s like because I’ve seen it
on T.V. loads.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">5.30pm<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Jenny comes downstairs with a big cheesy
grin on her face. She is wearing the bridesmaid dress she wore to Aunty Mandy’s
wedding, which she has covered in fake blood and green felt tip. She says she’s
going as a dead bridesmaid who drowned on the way to a wedding. Mum says she
thinks Jenny looks fantastic, but I think she looks a bit O.T.T, which means
over the top.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">6.00pm<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">We knock on our neighbour Irene’s door. Her
husband Alan answers and we say, ‘Trick or Treat!’. He says, ‘What’s all this about
then?’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Jenny tells him that he has to give us
something like sweets or money. He digs around in his pocket and pulls out a packet
of Extra Strong Mints and gives us one each. Then he tells us to beggar off,
because Irene’s watching her programmes, and she doesn’t like being disturbed. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">6.10pm<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">We carry on around our block, knocking on
all the houses. We get an After Eight, 20p and half a packet of digestive
biscuits. Nobody is having a cool party like they do on T.V. There are no pumpkins
or cauldrons full of sweets. I don’t really think people in Eastern Green get
Trick or Treating.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">6.20pm<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">I step in a dog poo and tell Jenny I want
to go home, but she makes us go to the next block, even though we’re not
allowed to.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Jenny says that a witch lives in one of the
houses on this block, but she can’t remember which one. We knock on a house
that has a cactus on a shelf in the porch; Jenny says that’s the sign of a
witch. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">An old lady opens the door, and we say, ‘Trick
or treat!’ she tells us to wait in her living room while she gets the biscuit
tin from the kitchen. I forget to take my shoes off, because I’m scared, and get
dog poo on her carpet, but she doesn’t notice.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">While the old lady is in the kitchen, I ask
Jenny if she thinks the she's a witch. Jenny says she’s not sure witch’s watch Home
and Away and have a pink curtains. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">When the old lady comes back she tells us
that it’s nice having some visitors, because she hasn’t seen anyone apart from
her carer in three weeks. She gives us a shortbread biscuit each and asks us if
we’d like a cup of tea. I tell her we need to go, because we are only aloud out
for half an hour.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">6.40pm<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">When we get back to our house, Jenny and me
aren’t speaking to each other, because we’ve been arguing about who gets to
keep the After Eight. Nanny Pam answers the door and says we both have a face like a
slapped arse. I tell her that I hate Eastern Green, I hate Jenny, and I hate
Extra Strong Mints! <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Nanny Pam swaps our After Eight for 50p and
two squashed Cadbury’s Mini Rolls from her handbag. We eat all the stuff we got trick or treating on the sofa and tell ghost stories. Nanny Pam tells us one about the time she
thought she saw a ghost in her neighbour Sue’s house, but it was just the Kev, the
window cleaner.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
THE COVENTRY CONCHhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09657138415385334847noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-838119550910234768.post-28559626977094096472015-10-05T10:32:00.000-07:002015-10-05T10:32:32.587-07:00AMERICA<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-bsgm1rQS_EQ/VhKywu0qC-I/AAAAAAAAAjQ/GGE4M0-rlW0/s1600/Screen%2BShot%2B2015-09-23%2Bat%2B21.09.06.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="488" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-bsgm1rQS_EQ/VhKywu0qC-I/AAAAAAAAAjQ/GGE4M0-rlW0/s640/Screen%2BShot%2B2015-09-23%2Bat%2B21.09.06.png" width="640" /></a></div>
<div class="p1">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
9.30am<br />
</div>
<div class="p1">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
I'm having a day off school, because my class are on a school trip to Coventry Football Stadium and Mum said that I’d get a better education staying at home today. <br />
</div>
<div class="p1">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
Nanny Pam has come round to look after me and we are on the sofa watching Super Market Sweep. Nanny Pam shouts at the lady on the T.V. 'Quiches are in the chiller you daft cow!’</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
9.35am</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
We can hear a man coughing up a greeney outside the front door. It’s Grandad. </div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
Grandad has been away in America for a few weeks after he split up with Candy. Mum said Candy was sick of living in Grandad’s static caravan full of his useless old crap.<br />
<br />
I'm worried because Nanny Pam and Grandad always argue when they see each other and it makes me feel funny.<br />
<br />
Grandad’s wearing cowboy boots, shorts and a shirt with nudey women holding guitars on it.</div>
<div class="p1">
<br />
Nanny Pam laughs her head off when she sees him. He says 'Pammy, I'm a new man. I think you're going to start regretting kicking this cowboy out!'<br />
<br />
Nanny Pam laughs even more and says ‘I’m going into the kitchen to make a coffee, when I come back in I want to watch This Morning in peace, without you here’.</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
9.50am</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
Grandad sits down, lights a big brown cigarette and starts watching Supermarket Sweep, he shouts at the lady, ‘Go for the electricals, you daft cow!’ </div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
The cigarette smells horrible, so I put my mouth and nose into my Count Dukula T-shirt.</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
10.00am</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
When Supermarket Sweep finishes, Grandad tells me he's not used to such crap telly, or small couches, or tiny houses like this. He says the bog in his hotel was bigger than our living room. Then he gives me a present. It’s a lighter that says: ‘I GOT LUCKY IN LAS VEGAS’ on it.<br />
<br />
I ask him lots of questions like:<br />
<br />
Did he go to a Prom? Is the McDonalds the same? Did he have a corn dog? Did he have a telly on the plane? <br />
<br />
Grandad says all I need to know is that America is bigger, brighter and better than this shit hole. </div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
10.05am</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
Nanny Pam comes back in with a cup of coffee and a Mint Choc Options for me. </div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
This Morning comes on and Nanny Pam says, ‘Times up Skint Eastwood. Judy’s waxing Richard’s leg in a minute, and I don’t want you ruining it by talking silly bollocks about America’. </div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
Grandad says, ‘We were like Richard and Judy once’</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
Nanny Pam says, ‘If you mean I was the long suffering wife of an arrogant arse hole then I suppose we were.’ </div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
10.30am</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
I go to my room while Nanny Pam and Grandad argue. I wrap the lighter in half a loo roll and put it in my special shoebox next to my pig ornaments. </div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
I spy on our next-door neighbour Carol doing her gardening for a bit and think about America. </div>
<br />
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
THE COVENTRY CONCHhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09657138415385334847noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-838119550910234768.post-55108005997515481002015-07-20T14:34:00.004-07:002015-07-21T07:25:15.878-07:00THE WEDDING: PART TWO<br>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-9ZTsS-UPoOw/Va1op6HQ9mI/AAAAAAAAAik/o3yQQVbrMno/s1600/photo.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="480" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-9ZTsS-UPoOw/Va1op6HQ9mI/AAAAAAAAAik/o3yQQVbrMno/s640/photo.JPG" width="640"></a></div>
<br>
10am <o:p></o:p><br>
<br>
Nanny Pam is curling my hair with her hot rollers in the living room. Aunty
Mandy is getting ready upstairs with Mum, and Dad is trying to find a shoe. <o:p></o:p><br>
<br>
Jenny’s really angry that the wedding is back on, and has said she’s not
going to smile all day as a peaceful protest. She’s gone out the front to play
in her bridesmaid dress. Nanny Pam keeps banging on the window at her, and
shouts, ‘No!', every time Jenny picks up her bike. <o:p></o:p><br>
<br>
I tell Nanny Pam about Mandy crying last night. <o:p></o:p><br>
<br>
She says, ‘You can either love someone dangerously, or like someone safely,
and thankfully Mandy’s chosen the latter.’ <o:p></o:p><br>
<br>
I don’t really understand what she means, but it still makes me feel a bit sad.
I forget all about it though, when Nanny Pam lets me put some blusher on. <o:p></o:p><br>
<br>
12pm <o:p></o:p><br>
<br>
Grandad and Candy have come round to take me and Jenny to the church with
Mandy. <o:p></o:p><br>
<br>
He’s tied some ribbon to his car, but it still has all of his junk inside. I
have to sit on top of a video player, and Candy has a box of garden ornaments
on her lap. <o:p></o:p><br>
<br>
Grandad has given Jenny and me a go of his camcorder. I’m filming Jenny
pretending to be kidnapped. <o:p></o:p><br>
<br>
She looks at the camera and says, ‘Help me. They’ve made me wear a dress
against my will. And now I have to follow the alien queen up the aisle, where
she will become a slave for all eternity.’ <o:p></o:p><br>
<br>
Mandy says, ‘Turn that bloody thing off!'<br>
<br>
12.30pm: <o:p></o:p><br>
<br>
We get outside the church and Jenny gets into a fight with my cousin Joe,
because he laughed at our dresses. Jenny bites Joe on the elbow, and he punches
her in the face, which makes her have a really big nosebleed. <o:p></o:p><br>
<br>
Jenny’s dress is covered in blood, and when Mandy sees her she starts crying
again. I think Jenny likes having blood on her dress; I saw her putting
even more blood from her nose on it in the toilet. <o:p></o:p><br>
<br>
3pm <o:p></o:p><br>
<br>
After the church, we drive to the Unicorn Club for the party bit. <o:p></o:p><br>
<br>
Before we’re allowed to start eating the buffet, we have to listen to Grandad’s
speech.<o:p></o:p><br>
<br>
He says ‘Firstly, I’d like to thank myself for being here today, because I could
barely afford the petrol, after Pamela took me for all I had when we got
divorced…. <o:p></o:p><br>
<br>
<o:p> </o:p><br>
<br>
3.20pm <o:p></o:p><br>
<br>
…at first I doubted if Mandy was even mine, because Pamela always had a
headache, if you know what I mean. Then, I remembered one hell of a night in
Marbella, when Pamela and I had one too many Banana Breeze Cocktails at Maria’s
bar….<o:p></o:p><br>
<br>
…she was gorgeous…I could have had her there and then, but then Pamela
pulled me off Maria, and dragged me back to the hotel.<o:p></o:p><br>
<br>
3.30pm <o:p></o:p><br>
<br>
…after the divorce she took everything, the car, the silver service set…. <o:p></o:p><br>
<br>
3.40pm <o:p></o:p><br>
<br>
…. even the cat bowl, and the cat died fifteen years ago... <o:p></o:p><br>
<br>
4pm <o:p></o:p><br>
<br>
…well, all that’s left to do is wish the groom good luck. He’s gonna fucking
need it with this family.<o:p></o:p><br>
<br>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">6pm </span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%;">The disco has started, and I’m practicing some of my
new dance moves with Nanny Pam. We fall over twice, but Nanny Pam just laughs her
head off. I tell Nanny Pam that I love her and that Grandad’s speech made
me fall asleep.</span><br>
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%;"></span><br>
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%;"> She says, ‘Grandad’s why you should be very careful about falling in
love’<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>. <o:p></o:p></span><br>
<br>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 8pt;">
<o:p> </o:p></div>
THE COVENTRY CONCHhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09657138415385334847noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-838119550910234768.post-57142270850955341742015-06-21T10:14:00.000-07:002015-06-22T13:11:08.381-07:00THE WEDDING: PART ONE<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-ZX-tzMFEHjU/VYbuIL61UwI/AAAAAAAAAiM/U7_9s6li-Bo/s1600/photo%2B%25283%2529.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-ZX-tzMFEHjU/VYbuIL61UwI/AAAAAAAAAiM/U7_9s6li-Bo/s640/photo%2B%25283%2529.JPG" width="606" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">3.30pm<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Dad’s picking us up
from school, because he hasn’t got a job anymore. He’s stood at the back of the
playground and is dragging his foot along the tarmac to try and get something
off his shoe.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">I walk up to Dad; he’s
really red and angry and is blaming standing in dog crap on Margaret Thatcher. </span><br />
<span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><br /></span>
<span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">We get in car. Dad gets pooh all over his hand when he tries to take his
shoe off. He tells Jenny she’ll have to do the gears while he sticks his hand
out of the sunroof. Jenny’s used to doing the gears. Sometimes she sits on Dad’s
knee and helps drive back from Nanny Pam’s house, when I’m eleven I’ll be
allowed to help drive too. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">I love it when Dad
picks me up from school; he plays his tapes really loud in the car and everyone
looks at us. Even though Dad’s got his hand stuck out the sunroof with dog crap on
it, I pretend I’m in a music video by resting my arm on the window and looking
moody, just in case Tom from my class walks past.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">4pm<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">When we drive up to
our house we notice that Grandad’s car is parked outside, Dad says, ‘Bollocks’.
Sometimes when we see Grandad’s car parked outside we drive off until he’s
gone. Last time, we hid round the back of the Happy Shopper eating crisps until
it was safe to go back. This time, Mum’s already let him in, and Dad needs to
wash his hand, so there’s no escape. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">When we walk in Grandad
looks at Dad who’s holding his hand in the air and trying not to touch
anything. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Grandad says, ‘Is that
shit on your hand, you bloody idiot’. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Jenny whispers to me,
‘Grandads a bloody idiot’. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Dad tells her off for
swearing. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Grandad and Candy
have come round to talk about my Aunty Mandy’s wedding tomorrow. He says he’s written
a speech that will help him get a few things off his chest about this family. Mum
has her head in her hands. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">5pm<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Grandad gets up to
leave, Dad shakes his hand and says, ‘Good luck tomorrow, mate’. When he’s gone,
Dad tells us he used his dog pooh hand to shake Grandad’s. Me and Jenny laugh
our heads off.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">7pm<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">My Aunty Mandy has
come round, and Me and Jenny are spying on her and Mum in the kitchen. Mandy’s smoking
and crying, and Mum is eating a Penguin.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Mandy says she doesn’t
think she can marry a man who eats a McDonalds on a plate with knife and fork, and
say’s, ‘Sorry, love’ every time he farts.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Mum asks, ‘What do you
call a happy penguin?’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Mandy says, ‘Fuck off,
you’re not even listening’ <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">I whisper to Jenny, ‘A
Pen-grin’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">9pm<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Jenny’s says she’s happy
that the wedding might be off, because she hates wearing dresses, and says being
a bridesmaid is child labour and against her beliefs. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">I tell her that I’m
happy too, but I’m not. I really want to be a bridesmaid tomorrow. Nanny
Pam has even promised to come round in the morning, and curl my hair with her hot rollers. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">I go
into Mum and Dad’s room and cry while looking in the mirror like they do in
music videos…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">…..To Be Continued<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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THE COVENTRY CONCHhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09657138415385334847noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-838119550910234768.post-26493570375576201772015-06-02T04:04:00.000-07:002015-06-02T09:27:33.800-07:00NEVER SEEN THE SEA<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-3hRxnb7l-vc/VW2Ng0oTU-I/AAAAAAAAAh0/tFFI1W8iEyg/s1600/photo%2B%25283%2529.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-3hRxnb7l-vc/VW2Ng0oTU-I/AAAAAAAAAh0/tFFI1W8iEyg/s640/photo%2B%25283%2529.JPG" width="592" /></a></div>
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<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">2pm<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">My teacher Mrs. Woods has sent Alan out of
the class, for calling her an arse hole.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">2.05pm<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">When you get sent out of class you’re meant
to wait outside and face the wall, but when Mrs. Woods goes to tell Alan to
come back in, he’s gone.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">I don’t know why Mrs. Woods bothers sending
Alan out any more; he just legs it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">2.10pm<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Mrs. Woods tells me to go and look for Alan,
because I’m the only one he talks to when he’s in one of his moods.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>People don’t really like Alan. He gets quite angry
about things, and Natalie said that his mum came into school with a knife once.
I don’t mind him though; he hates school even more than I do. And he does funny
things like eating pages from his workbook and saying they taste like prawn
cocktail crisps. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">2.15pm<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">I look in all the usual spots for Alan. Last
time, he was in the craft cupboard sticking glitter and googly eyes to his
school jumper. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">This time he’s lying on the school field
with his top off and his hands behind his head. I walk up to him and ask, ‘Are
you coming in Alan?’ <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">He tells me to piss off, but I sit down next
to him anyway. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He
says, ‘I’m trying to get a suntan’ <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">I tell him that I got a tan last year on
holiday in Majorca, and that I’m not sure you can get one in Coventry, in
February. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">He tells me that he’s never been on holiday,
not even in England. He’s never seen the sea!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">2.20pm<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">I lie down next to Alan; we close our eyes
and pretend we’re on a holiday. I tell him the beach is like the sandpit in the
Infant’s playground, but much bigger and with less cat shit in it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">He says that he wants to go to the
Caribbean, because he saw Mr. Motivator exercising on a beach there on GMTV,
and he had a Bounty at his Nan’s once.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">2.25pm<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">I tell Alan that we should go back inside.
He stands up and puts his jumper back on, it's covered in red glitter and
googly eyes. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">We walk back to our classroom together.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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THE COVENTRY CONCHhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09657138415385334847noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-838119550910234768.post-85724117702989569562015-05-04T10:38:00.000-07:002015-05-04T10:38:11.959-07:00NANNY PAM'S JEANS
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-HzpKmiWgtTE/VUeuVMPnbdI/AAAAAAAAAhY/Si6Y1HlfXvU/s1600/Nanny%2BPams%2BJeans%2BPhoto.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="424" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-HzpKmiWgtTE/VUeuVMPnbdI/AAAAAAAAAhY/Si6Y1HlfXvU/s640/Nanny%2BPams%2BJeans%2BPhoto.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">8am<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">I’m going on a school trip to Coombe Abbey
today. I’m really excited, because my cousin, Leanne, says it’s haunted, and
once she saw a ghost eating an egg batch in the café. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">We had a letter about the trip that mum
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me, ‘What the hell are outdoor trousers?’ <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">The washing machine is broken, so I don’t
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">8.20am<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">The only trousers that we find which we
think might be outdoor trousers are the ones Nanny Pam dropped off, for Mum to
take to the charity shop. They’re her old jeans. Nanny Pam is quite little and
I’m quite tall for my age, so they sort of fit me; they’re just a bit short and
very baggy around my thighs, and I have to wear them with a belt done up to the
last hole.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">We haven’t got much food in the house, so
Mum makes a pancake and puts it in a plastic bag for my packed lunch.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">9am<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">I get on the coach, and Zoe from my class
says, ‘Are they your mum’s jeans?’ and laughs. I say, ‘They’re my Nan’s
actually’, which shuts her up. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">I sit at the front of the coach with my
teacher, Mrs. Woods. I ask her lots of questions like: Has she ever been to
Majorca? Does she know any vegetarians? Has she ever held a lizard? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">10pm<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">We get to Coombe Abbey, and walk round for
a bit, while a man called Geoff tells us some stuff about the house. He doesn’t
say anything about ghosts! <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">12pm<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">We have our lunch on the lawn outside. I
get my pancake out which has gone sweaty, but still tastes aright. I eat it
under my coat, because Zoe is looking at me.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">12.20pm<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">After we’ve eaten, we’re allowed to play
for a bit. Tom and Sam from my class are climbing a tree, and I’m watching.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">12.25pm<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">I decide to climb a really big tree,
because I think Tom will like it if he could see how good I am at climbing. I
climb as high as I can and shout to Tom, but he’s gone.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
try and come down but I can’t.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">12.26pm<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">I’m stuck up the tree.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">12.27pm<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">I feel really hot and angry. I think I hope
I die up here, so I can become a ghost and haunt anyone from Mount Nod School
that dares come to bloody Coombe Abbey ever again.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">12.28pm<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">I start crying; I don’t want to die and be
buried in Nanny Pam’s jeans.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">12.29pm<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">I start screaming.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">12.30pm<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Sam’s Dad, who is helping on the school
trip, lifts me out of the tree. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">3.00pm<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">We get back, and its home time. Mrs. Woods
goes up to Dad in the playground and tells him how I ran off and got stuck up a
tree, and how nobody knew where I was and that anything could have happened.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">3.20pm<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">I’m sat in the car with Dad. He says that this
weekend we’re going to the park to learn how to climb a tree and get back down
again, after he’s got me some new jeans.</span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<o:p></o:p><br />
<!--EndFragment-->THE COVENTRY CONCHhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09657138415385334847noreply@blogger.com0