THE CARBOOT

6am

Nanny Pam and me are loading the car full of stuff for a car boot that we’re doing at The Unicorn Club car park this morning. I ask where all of the stuff came from, and Nanny Pam says, ‘it’s your Grandad’s dodgy old crap’.

8am

The car is so full that I have to sit where people’s feet usually are, and Nanny Pam has to tell me to duck whenever she thinks she sees a policeman.

I’m sat next to a Roses tin full of PG Tip Chimpanzie cards. I tell Nanny Pam they might be worth something one day, and she tells me that I’ve been listening to Grandad too much.

On the way, Nanny Pam asks me if Grandad’s new wife can drive. I tell her that she can, but that she always has pink lipstick on her teeth.

9am

We set up our stall; I put out all of Grandad’s things and wonder if he’d be sad, if he knew that Nanny Pam is selling them. A lady asks me ‘How much for the African Masks’ Nanny Pam says she can have them for free, because they might be cursed.

10am

An old man comes up to our stall and asks Nanny Pam, ‘How much for you, sweetheart?’ Nanny Pam says, ‘I’m priceless love ’. When the man walks off, Nanny Pam tells me that he’s just a ‘harmless perv’. I say, ‘I hate him’. Nanny Pam laughs, but I mean it.

12pm

We have our Pot Noodles and share a Kit Kat for lunch. Nanny Pam gives me £2 to spend while she looks after the stall. I buy a pig, because I’ve started collecting them; this one is a biscuit jar that has a dirty bib on saying, ‘Greedy Fat Pig’. When I come back, I ask Nanny Pam how much she wants for the Chimpanzee cards, and she gives me them for free.

Nanny Pam goes off and comes back with something called a Lazy Susan, and some Tarot Cards.

4pm

We’re having a chippy tea to celebrate all our hard work; we use the Lazy Susan to pass each other the curry sauce. After we’ve put the bags in the bin, I ask Nanny Pam if she can read my tarot cards while we eat our choc ices.

She says I need to ask them a question, so, in my head, I ask if Tom from school fancies me. I pull out a card with a Sun on it. Nanny Pam tells me it means that love is on the horizon, but I have to read lots of books, wait ten years, and make her a coffee before it comes.

8pm

We watch Antiques Road Show. Nanny Pam always tries to guess how much the stuff is. Then when they reveal it, she say’s things like, ‘He’s had his pants pulled down there’. I think that in twenty years time, I’ll go on with my pig collection, which Grandad says should be worth at least £250 by then.