NEVER SEEN THE SEA

2pm

My teacher Mrs. Woods has sent Alan out of the class, for calling her an arse hole.

2.05pm

When you get sent out of class you’re meant to wait outside and face the wall, but when Mrs. Woods goes to tell Alan to come back in, he’s gone.

I don’t know why Mrs. Woods bothers sending Alan out any more; he just legs it.

2.10pm

Mrs. Woods tells me to go and look for Alan, because I’m the only one he talks to when he’s in one of his moods.

 People don’t really like Alan. He gets quite angry about things, and Natalie said that his mum came into school with a knife once. I don’t mind him though; he hates school even more than I do. And he does funny things like eating pages from his workbook and saying they taste like prawn cocktail crisps.

2.15pm

I look in all the usual spots for Alan. Last time, he was in the craft cupboard sticking glitter and googly eyes to his school jumper.

This time he’s lying on the school field with his top off and his hands behind his head. I walk up to him and ask, ‘Are you coming in Alan?’

He tells me to piss off, but I sit down next to him anyway.

 He says, ‘I’m trying to get a suntan’

I tell him that I got a tan last year on holiday in Majorca, and that I’m not sure you can get one in Coventry, in February.

He tells me that he’s never been on holiday, not even in England. He’s never seen the sea!

2.20pm

I lie down next to Alan; we close our eyes and pretend we’re on a holiday. I tell him the beach is like the sandpit in the Infant’s playground, but much bigger and with less cat shit in it.

He says that he wants to go to the Caribbean, because he saw Mr. Motivator exercising on a beach there on GMTV, and he had a Bounty at his Nan’s once.

2.25pm

I tell Alan that we should go back inside. He stands up and puts his jumper back on, it's covered in red glitter and googly eyes.

We walk back to our classroom together.