SMOKING WITH GRANDAD

11am

Some older kids have started hanging out on the green in front of our house. They’re all dressed in black, and Jenny said that they’re called Goths.  One of them is called Tasha, and, the other day, she started talking to me. I like her we hate the same things like school, Baby Spice and orange Tic-Tacs.

Tasha said she would call on me today and we could hang out together, so I’m getting ready. I find my long black velvet skirt that I usually where with my orange velvet top to school disco’s and family parties, but today I’m going to wear it with Jenny’s black shirt that I’ve just started fitting into. I look in Mum and Dad’s chest of drawers for anything else that’s black and find Dad’s black tie he wears for job interviews and funerals.

11.30am

I go downstairs and ask Dad if I can borrow his tie and if he can put it on for me. Dad asks,  ‘Are you sure you want to wear this Holl. It’s thirty degrees outside?’ I tell Dad that I’m sure and think that he doesn’t really get Goths.

Mum and Dad said I could hang out with Tasha as long as I stay on the green outside our house where they can see me.

12.00pm

When Tasha knocks at the door, I run downstairs to answer it. She’s wearing a long black coat and has loads of black make up on.

We sit on the green for a bit and talk about things we hate. Tasha says that she needs to go to Happy Shopper, because it's the only place that will serve her fags. I look back at my house. When I left, Mum was writing an essay for college, and Dad was sat in the paddling pool, so I decide that they won’t notice me leave the green.

Tasha asks me if I’ve ever smoked, I lie and tell her I did on holiday last year. She passes me the fag she’s smoking and I put it in my mouth. Tasha tells me to inhale, but I hold my breath and take it out again because I don’t want cancer.

Tasha talks about all the things she thinks are tragic for a bit, which is pretty much anything.  Happy Shopper is tragic, a man picking up a dog poo outside Threshers is tragic, a window cleaner across the road is tragic, and people who like Terry’s Chocolate Oranges are tragic.

1.00pm

I feel sick when I see Grandad’s car pull up outside the shop. He gets out of his car, kicks the door shut and starts walking towards the shop.  I think he’s going to walk straight past, but he stops just before the entrance and sees me.

‘Bloody hell Holl! I didn’t recognise you there love. Why are you dressed like a vampire at a court appearance?’

I shrug my shoulders and remember the fag in my hand, which I pass back to Tasha.

 ‘I’m just picking up a few tins, but I’ll give you both a lift home, if you hang on’

When Grandad comes out the shop, we get in his car. It's full of all the usual junk. This time there’s a load of videos that say Titanic on them in Grandad’s handwriting. Grandad says, ‘Have you seen that film yet, Holl? You can give your friend a copy, if you like. It's not even out in Blockbusters yet! You’ll have to excuse the bit around two hours in though, where a shadow gets up to go to the bog, that’s bits not meant to be in the film.’

 Tasha say’s she doesn’t want a copy, because cheesy Hollywood films like that are tragic.

Grandad says, ‘You’re bloody right its tragic, love!  Over fifteen hundred people died on that on that boat…unsinkable my arse! Candy still cries when she watches it, and she’s seen it twelve times!’

Grandad won’t shut up. I feel really hot. I pull Dad’s tie to undo it, but it just makes it tighter and when I try to wind the window down the handle comes off in my hand.

‘And that poor bird Rose losing her boyfriend Jack like that, she went on to be a  pilot and do all sorts, you know, and she’s still alive today!’

I say, ‘I think they made that bit up for the film Grandad.’

‘Fuckin’ ell Holl, the Titanic’s not just a film you know! This shit happened, I tell you what I’m bloody glad I don’t pay any tax, it’d be wasted on your shite arse education.’

I want Grandad to stop talking, so I don’t argue with him.

‘Anyway, Holl, I noticed you were smoking outside the shop, and I’m not one to stop you. Forty a day for forty years and look at me, apart from the asthma, psoriasis and angina, I’m doing pretty well for fifty-eight. So, love, help yourself to the fags in the back. I got a load of them from Turkey. They’re practically giving them away out there. Candy said she wants a new extension and I said I’d build her one out of fag boxes, I’ve got that many of em’!’

Grandad looks at me in his car mirror, ‘You hear that, Holl?  I said I’d build an extension for Candy out of fag boxes…anyway, go on light up.’

Tasha shoves loads of fags into her bag and then lights one for us each. I just hold it and feel hotter than ever, and like I might be sick and choke to death at the same time.

1.20pm

Tasha asks if she can get dropped off at hers on the way back. She lives in one of the big new houses near the Co-op and her front garden has a gnome playing golf on it. She jumps out the car and shouts at us, ‘Cheers for the fags, yeah...!’

Grandad turns to me and says, ‘How are you feeling love? You’re looking a bit peaky. You won’t wanna knock around smokin’ with Tuesday Adams anymore will yer? And what were you doing outside Happy Shopper?  There’s some right scrotes hangin’ round there.’

I start crying and tell Grandad I just want to go home.

1.30pm

We get back to my house.

Mum asks me where I have been, and says that she was really worried. Grandad says,  ‘She’s been with me. I gave her and Rocky Horror a lift to the shops.'

‘She stinks of bloody smoke, Dad.  I told you I don’t want you chainin' it around the kids anymore. I’m sick of having to wash their clothes every time they see you.’

Grandad says that he’s sorry, and winks at me.

DAD AND THE RAT

4pm

Even before I get to our block, on my way back from school, I can hear Jenny on her Pogo stick out the front. Mum let her skive school today, because it was sports day at the senior school, and Jenny said it was against her beliefs.

Ever since Jenny got the Pogo Stick for her birthday, she’s been showing off on it. Mum even let her eat her dinner on it last week. I had to pass her a battered sausage and each chip one at a time.

When she sees me she says, ‘I’m setting a new world record! If I stay on here another half hour, I’ll have smashed my last one.' Jenny doesn’t even know what the actual world record is and she doesn’t even have a watch on, but she still says she keeps smashing it.

I go up to the house and mum answers the door. She puts her finger to her lips and tells me to ssshhhhh!

Dad’s in the living room with his big green parka on, holding a gun.

Last week, we saw a rat eating Tosca’s cat food. Dad hasn’t got a job at the moment, so he’s spent the whole week trying to shoot the rat with an air rifle that he borrowed off Uncle Steve.

4.15pm

I go into the kitchen to make a cup of tea for me and Dad and get us a Mint Viscount each. Nanny Pam’s round and she’s chatting to Mum who’s making fish in a bag and potato waffles for dinner.

I ask Nanny Pam if she wants a biscuit but she says, ‘No thanks love, I’m saving all my Weight Watchers points for the all you can eat at Wing Wa’s on Friday night. Me and Colin have been starving ourselves all week. For tea last night all we had was a cuppa soup and a choc ice.’

4.20pm

I sit down next to Dad by the backdoor and we both stare at Tosca’s cat bowl in silence for a bit.

Dad asks me if I had a good day at school. I tell him it was ok, apart from everyone was being an immature as usual. Today, they were all going on about the word blowjob. Zoe asked me if I’d ever had a blowjob, and Kevin asked me if I was a blowjob. Then someone made a song up about a blowjob, and everyone went around singing it in the playground until the dinner ladies lost it at them.

I tell Dad that I don’t actually know what the word even means, but, if it’s anything like the wanker word, I don’t want to. Dad says I won’t ever need to know what it means and then asks me if anything good happened today.

I say to Dad that the best bit of today was when a dog went on to the school field this afternoon. Everyone went crazy! Sammy screamed and said, ‘It’s a dog, it’s a dog’, like a stupid idiot that’s never seen a dog before. Then they all got bored, and I watched him on my own for the rest of the afternoon through the classroom window.

I don’t tell Dad that I also managed to get the reflection from my Jurassic Park watch to shine on Mr. Moore's head in assembly this morning, which was funny for a bit, until I felt sorry for him.

4.30pm

I ask Dad if he thinks we should lay some more bait out for the rat. We both agree that a rat might like Bacon Frazzles, so I go back into the kitchen to get some.

Nanny Pam’s talking to Mum about Dad. She asks if he can get work in Germany again. Mum says he can, but he doesn’t want to be away from the kids and he’s been too busy with the rat stuff anyway. Nanny Pam asks Mum how she’s going to get the boiler fixed with no money coming in.

For the last few months, the boiler has been broke. It’s been ok though, and it’s summer, so we don’t have to wear our school coats to bed anymore. To have a bath we all run up the stairs with loads of kettles and pans of hot water to fill it up. But most of the time, Mum heats up a big pan of water and puts it in front of the T.V. in the living room. Then me, Jenny, and our little brother, Josh, take it in turns to stand in it with a flannel. The rule is you do your face first and bum last. I don’t know what Nanny Pam’s on about. It’s ok not having a boiler. When does she ever get to have a wash in front of the TV, anyway?

4.40pm

BANG!!!!

We all run up to the backdoor to look for the dead rat, but it isn’t there. Dad says he shot it, and it ran into Carol's garden, next-door, to die.

I feel really sad. A bit because of the rat, but mostly about Dad going back to Germany now that it’s dead.

4.50pm

There’s a knock at the front door, and I answer it. It’s Nanny Pam’s husband, Colin. He’s been to Macro and gives me a massive tub of fizzy Cola Bottles, which makes me feel a bit better.

5pm

We all sit at the table and eat dinner. Jenny tells everyone about her world records, Nanny Pam tries to work out how many points are in a potato waffle, and Josh puts bits of fish flakes in his orange squash then drinks it.

Colin stares into the garden and asks, 'Is that a rat eating Tosca’s cat food?’.

TWO LIONS ON THE SHIRT

6.00pm

We're going to watch the football at Grandad's new house tonight. I haven't seen Grandad in ages. Mum said he went away and got some money and now he’s back and has bought a big new house in Solihull. Candy has started going out with him again, and they've had a baby! So, today, I'm going to meet my baby uncle, Gary. 

6.30pm

We pull up to Grandad’s house. There's a drive and the front door has pillars outside! Dad asks Mum, ‘What’s he done to pull this off?'

Grandad has a tan, and even more gold jewellery on than usual. He gives us a tour of the house. There are five bedrooms and a Jacuzzi! Jenny asks Grandad if we can go in, but he says he's not wasting a tenner heating it up for us to piss in it.

In Grandads bedroom there’s a giant picture of Candy in her bikini kissing a dolphin. Grandad points at a smaller photo of him on the bedside table, in it he’s got even more of a tan and dreadlocks. He says, ‘That’s me, dressed as Bob Marley at a Jamaican night in the Costa Del Sol…bloody brilliant it was! Candy went as Jamaican Cher!’

7.00pm

The football is on in the living room. Uncle Gary is sleeping in his car seat in the corner, and Grandad’s mate, Ladders, is eating Doritos with one hand down his pants on the sofa.

Ladders gets up, shakes Dad’s hand, and gives mum a sloppy kiss on the cheek. I’m glad he doesn’t try and come near me, because his fingers and lips are all orange and cheesy from the crisps. Dad smells his hand and goes to the toilet.

England are playing Germany in the semi-final. Grandad and Ladders keep singing the Dad’s Army theme tune. I think they’re both drunk, because there are beer cans everywhere, and when Ladders gets up to shout at the TV he sways and forgets what he’s shouting at.

Me and Jenny practice our goal celebrations. Jenny is going over the top as usual, she does a cartwheel and ends in the splits. I do a star jump and clap.

8.15pm

At half time Candy comes into the living room holding a cake she's made and say's,  ‘Happy football day, everybody! Look, it's shaped like a football especially...'

Grandad says, 'What round? Aren’t all cakes round anyway?' 

'Well, yeah, but…oh shut up you tosser!'

Grandad snaps a big bit off with his hand and eats it, then he says, 'Candy what did you use to make this cake?'

'You know I used a packet mix. I bought it from Londis, with you! What are you getting at?'

'Oh nothing, sweetheart, it just tastes like you made it out of dog shit that's all.' 

Ladders sniffs the cake, pulls a stupid face at Grandad, as if he’s dying, then asks Candy, 

'Any of them Clubs left?'

Candy slams the cake down in front of Grandad’s feet on the coffee table, and tells Grandad to stop showing off to his alchy mate.

8.30pm

Grandad says he's got me and Jenny an England shirt each. He goes into the cupboard under the stairs and pulls out a bin bag, then chucks a shirt at Jenny. 

Nobody's eating the cake, so I help myself, to make Candy feel better, and because I quite like the taste of really salty stuff anyway. 

Grandad says to me, 'I've only got XL left for you Holl, but you'll soon grow into it, the way your putting that cake away. I'm sorry to say it love, but it looks like you've got the family fat gene off your Nan.'

I say,  'Nanny Pam's not fat!'

'No, love, but she could be if she ate more.' 

I have no idea what Grandad’s on about. I know I don't want to wear Nanny Pam's fat jeans though, the last time I wore her jeans was a disaster! I think about whether I’m fat and decide that I’m not, but I stop eating the cake just in case.

The shirts don't look like the ones everyone has at school. We put them on and start singing 'Three lions on the shirt…' then Jenny points out our shirts only have two lions and they look more like beavers. 

9pm

Ladders wakes Uncle Gary up by shouting and swearing at the TV. Candy lets me hold him for a bit. He's fat and tiny at the same time and his face is all squashed up and red like Grandads. He grabs my finger in his little fist, and I sing Football's Coming Home to him, which I think he likes, because he kicks his fat little legs. 

10pm

England lose, and Grandad kicks off. He says ‘I was there when the bombs

were coming down, those cheeky little fuckers still owe us one!’ 

Mum says, ‘You were born in 1946, Dad! Now stop swearing and being a racist prick in front on the kids!’

Ladders is definitely drunk. He’s been on the floor since the penalties started, when he fell over showing Grandad how to take one. Grandad gets a big bottle of red booze from the shelf above the TV. He opens Ladders mouth and starts pouring it in, then he asks Dad, ‘Who does Ladders remind you of?’

Dad says ‘Right, it’s time to go, get your shoes on kids’.

Grandad say’s ‘He’s Gazza, you know, doing the dentist chair.’

Ladders is coughing and laughing at the same time, and the booze is going all over his face and the carpet.

Candy comes in looks at Grandad sat on top of Ladders, and shouts ‘Get the fuck out you two!’ Then she looks at me and says all nice, ‘Holly, do you want to take the rest of that cake home, sweetheart, you looked like you were really enjoying it?’

10.30pm

In the car on the way home, Dad says that we’re not ever going round Grandad's house again, but he always says that. Me and Jenny sing, ‘Two lions on the shirt’, and do impressions of Ladders pretending to be Gazza.