DAD AND THE RAT

4pm

Even before I get to our block, on my way back from school, I can hear Jenny on her Pogo stick out the front. Mum let her skive school today, because it was sports day at the senior school, and Jenny said it was against her beliefs.

Ever since Jenny got the Pogo Stick for her birthday, she’s been showing off on it. Mum even let her eat her dinner on it last week. I had to pass her a battered sausage and each chip one at a time.

When she sees me she says, ‘I’m setting a new world record! If I stay on here another half hour, I’ll have smashed my last one.' Jenny doesn’t even know what the actual world record is and she doesn’t even have a watch on, but she still says she keeps smashing it.

I go up to the house and mum answers the door. She puts her finger to her lips and tells me to ssshhhhh!

Dad’s in the living room with his big green parka on, holding a gun.

Last week, we saw a rat eating Tosca’s cat food. Dad hasn’t got a job at the moment, so he’s spent the whole week trying to shoot the rat with an air rifle that he borrowed off Uncle Steve.

4.15pm

I go into the kitchen to make a cup of tea for me and Dad and get us a Mint Viscount each. Nanny Pam’s round and she’s chatting to Mum who’s making fish in a bag and potato waffles for dinner.

I ask Nanny Pam if she wants a biscuit but she says, ‘No thanks love, I’m saving all my Weight Watchers points for the all you can eat at Wing Wa’s on Friday night. Me and Colin have been starving ourselves all week. For tea last night all we had was a cuppa soup and a choc ice.’

4.20pm

I sit down next to Dad by the backdoor and we both stare at Tosca’s cat bowl in silence for a bit.

Dad asks me if I had a good day at school. I tell him it was ok, apart from everyone was being an immature as usual. Today, they were all going on about the word blowjob. Zoe asked me if I’d ever had a blowjob, and Kevin asked me if I was a blowjob. Then someone made a song up about a blowjob, and everyone went around singing it in the playground until the dinner ladies lost it at them.

I tell Dad that I don’t actually know what the word even means, but, if it’s anything like the wanker word, I don’t want to. Dad says I won’t ever need to know what it means and then asks me if anything good happened today.

I say to Dad that the best bit of today was when a dog went on to the school field this afternoon. Everyone went crazy! Sammy screamed and said, ‘It’s a dog, it’s a dog’, like a stupid idiot that’s never seen a dog before. Then they all got bored, and I watched him on my own for the rest of the afternoon through the classroom window.

I don’t tell Dad that I also managed to get the reflection from my Jurassic Park watch to shine on Mr. Moore's head in assembly this morning, which was funny for a bit, until I felt sorry for him.

4.30pm

I ask Dad if he thinks we should lay some more bait out for the rat. We both agree that a rat might like Bacon Frazzles, so I go back into the kitchen to get some.

Nanny Pam’s talking to Mum about Dad. She asks if he can get work in Germany again. Mum says he can, but he doesn’t want to be away from the kids and he’s been too busy with the rat stuff anyway. Nanny Pam asks Mum how she’s going to get the boiler fixed with no money coming in.

For the last few months, the boiler has been broke. It’s been ok though, and it’s summer, so we don’t have to wear our school coats to bed anymore. To have a bath we all run up the stairs with loads of kettles and pans of hot water to fill it up. But most of the time, Mum heats up a big pan of water and puts it in front of the T.V. in the living room. Then me, Jenny, and our little brother, Josh, take it in turns to stand in it with a flannel. The rule is you do your face first and bum last. I don’t know what Nanny Pam’s on about. It’s ok not having a boiler. When does she ever get to have a wash in front of the TV, anyway?

4.40pm

BANG!!!!

We all run up to the backdoor to look for the dead rat, but it isn’t there. Dad says he shot it, and it ran into Carol's garden, next-door, to die.

I feel really sad. A bit because of the rat, but mostly about Dad going back to Germany now that it’s dead.

4.50pm

There’s a knock at the front door, and I answer it. It’s Nanny Pam’s husband, Colin. He’s been to Macro and gives me a massive tub of fizzy Cola Bottles, which makes me feel a bit better.

5pm

We all sit at the table and eat dinner. Jenny tells everyone about her world records, Nanny Pam tries to work out how many points are in a potato waffle, and Josh puts bits of fish flakes in his orange squash then drinks it.

Colin stares into the garden and asks, 'Is that a rat eating Tosca’s cat food?’.

TWO LIONS ON THE SHIRT

6.00pm

We're going to watch the football at Grandad's new house tonight. I haven't seen Grandad in ages. Mum said he went away and got some money and now he’s back and has bought a big new house in Solihull. Candy has started going out with him again, and they've had a baby! So, today, I'm going to meet my baby uncle, Gary. 

6.30pm

We pull up to Grandad’s house. There's a drive and the front door has pillars outside! Dad asks Mum, ‘What’s he done to pull this off?'

Grandad has a tan, and even more gold jewellery on than usual. He gives us a tour of the house. There are five bedrooms and a Jacuzzi! Jenny asks Grandad if we can go in, but he says he's not wasting a tenner heating it up for us to piss in it.

In Grandads bedroom there’s a giant picture of Candy in her bikini kissing a dolphin. Grandad points at a smaller photo of him on the bedside table, in it he’s got even more of a tan and dreadlocks. He says, ‘That’s me, dressed as Bob Marley at a Jamaican night in the Costa Del Sol…bloody brilliant it was! Candy went as Jamaican Cher!’

7.00pm

The football is on in the living room. Uncle Gary is sleeping in his car seat in the corner, and Grandad’s mate, Ladders, is eating Doritos with one hand down his pants on the sofa.

Ladders gets up, shakes Dad’s hand, and gives mum a sloppy kiss on the cheek. I’m glad he doesn’t try and come near me, because his fingers and lips are all orange and cheesy from the crisps. Dad smells his hand and goes to the toilet.

England are playing Germany in the semi-final. Grandad and Ladders keep singing the Dad’s Army theme tune. I think they’re both drunk, because there are beer cans everywhere, and when Ladders gets up to shout at the TV he sways and forgets what he’s shouting at.

Me and Jenny practice our goal celebrations. Jenny is going over the top as usual, she does a cartwheel and ends in the splits. I do a star jump and clap.

8.15pm

At half time Candy comes into the living room holding a cake she's made and say's,  ‘Happy football day, everybody! Look, it's shaped like a football especially...'

Grandad says, 'What round? Aren’t all cakes round anyway?' 

'Well, yeah, but…oh shut up you tosser!'

Grandad snaps a big bit off with his hand and eats it, then he says, 'Candy what did you use to make this cake?'

'You know I used a packet mix. I bought it from Londis, with you! What are you getting at?'

'Oh nothing, sweetheart, it just tastes like you made it out of dog shit that's all.' 

Ladders sniffs the cake, pulls a stupid face at Grandad, as if he’s dying, then asks Candy, 

'Any of them Clubs left?'

Candy slams the cake down in front of Grandad’s feet on the coffee table, and tells Grandad to stop showing off to his alchy mate.

8.30pm

Grandad says he's got me and Jenny an England shirt each. He goes into the cupboard under the stairs and pulls out a bin bag, then chucks a shirt at Jenny. 

Nobody's eating the cake, so I help myself, to make Candy feel better, and because I quite like the taste of really salty stuff anyway. 

Grandad says to me, 'I've only got XL left for you Holl, but you'll soon grow into it, the way your putting that cake away. I'm sorry to say it love, but it looks like you've got the family fat gene off your Nan.'

I say,  'Nanny Pam's not fat!'

'No, love, but she could be if she ate more.' 

I have no idea what Grandad’s on about. I know I don't want to wear Nanny Pam's fat jeans though, the last time I wore her jeans was a disaster! I think about whether I’m fat and decide that I’m not, but I stop eating the cake just in case.

The shirts don't look like the ones everyone has at school. We put them on and start singing 'Three lions on the shirt…' then Jenny points out our shirts only have two lions and they look more like beavers. 

9pm

Ladders wakes Uncle Gary up by shouting and swearing at the TV. Candy lets me hold him for a bit. He's fat and tiny at the same time and his face is all squashed up and red like Grandads. He grabs my finger in his little fist, and I sing Football's Coming Home to him, which I think he likes, because he kicks his fat little legs. 

10pm

England lose, and Grandad kicks off. He says ‘I was there when the bombs

were coming down, those cheeky little fuckers still owe us one!’ 

Mum says, ‘You were born in 1946, Dad! Now stop swearing and being a racist prick in front on the kids!’

Ladders is definitely drunk. He’s been on the floor since the penalties started, when he fell over showing Grandad how to take one. Grandad gets a big bottle of red booze from the shelf above the TV. He opens Ladders mouth and starts pouring it in, then he asks Dad, ‘Who does Ladders remind you of?’

Dad says ‘Right, it’s time to go, get your shoes on kids’.

Grandad say’s ‘He’s Gazza, you know, doing the dentist chair.’

Ladders is coughing and laughing at the same time, and the booze is going all over his face and the carpet.

Candy comes in looks at Grandad sat on top of Ladders, and shouts ‘Get the fuck out you two!’ Then she looks at me and says all nice, ‘Holly, do you want to take the rest of that cake home, sweetheart, you looked like you were really enjoying it?’

10.30pm

In the car on the way home, Dad says that we’re not ever going round Grandad's house again, but he always says that. Me and Jenny sing, ‘Two lions on the shirt’, and do impressions of Ladders pretending to be Gazza.

NEW FRIENDS

10am

I’m feeding my Tamagotchi a burger and getting ready to go to a sleepover at my cousin Amy’s house.

The phone rings and Mum says it’s for me.

11am

Zoe from my school has rang! Nobody ever rings me from school apart from Amy and she doesn’t count because she’s my cousin. I’m in the school play with Zoe, Sammy and Lisa and they’ve started letting me hang out with them a bit at lunch times. I’m so excited, this is the first time I’ve actually been allowed to Zoe’s house!

I ring Amy and tell her I can’t come round, she says it’s fine, but I feel a bit bad. We’ve been planning a sleepover all week and were meant to meet at Londis in an hour to get supplies.

12.00pm

Zoe lives in a big house on the new estate, she told me she has a bathroom in her bedroom and her mum and dad have a car each! I’ve never been to her house before, but I know what it looks like. Nanny Pam likes going round the show home on the estate with me every couple of weeks to ‘see how the other half live’.  

The doorbell plays a really long song and then Zoe’s Dad, Ian, answers the door.

Ian say’s to Dad ‘This rain wasn’t forecast ‘

 Dad say’s ‘What’

‘This rain wasn’t forecast, I’ll have to move the new motor into the garage’

Both Dad’s look at Ian’s new car.

‘Vauxhall Calibra, drove her straight of the tarmac last week. It was a cheeky birthday pressie to meself. To Ian, happy birthday mate, Love Ian’

Dad says, ‘Right, well erm, what time shall I pick Holl up’

Ian says to me ‘You can stay for tea if you want Holly Pop, so Dad can pick you up around five’

Dad looks at me and gives me a really stupid smile, I know he can’t wait to take the mick out of Ian, but he just says ‘see you later Holl’ and walks to his car.

1pm

Ian shows me to Zoe’s room and I go in. Zoe and Lisa are sat on the carpet sticking stuff into their Fun Faxes. I sit down next to them and they ask me about the people at school.

Zoe’s room is pink and she has a million Sillvanian families everywhere. The hedgehog family is having a picnic on her windowsill and a mummy rabbit is doing a food shop on the bedside table. If my sister, Jenny, was here she would say Zoe’s room is babyish and sexist, but I like it.

Zoe and Lisa start talking about Sammy who isn’t here yet, they both say they don’t want Sammy to come round because they don’t like her anymore and that they wish she wasn’t in the play. They say they like me more and ask me if I like Sammy, I feel really hot and then I start to lie. I say I don’t like Sammy either and that I think she’s rubbish in the play, and then I get carried away and start saying her lines in a stupid voice.

They both start laughing. Then Zoe opens the bathroom door. Sammy is stood by the sink and is crying because she has been listening to everything.

 Zoe and Lisa said they lied to test if I was a true friend. I start shaking and tell Sammy I’m sorry and that I didn’t mean it, but the other girls are hugging her and tell me to leave her alone.

I run downstairs and ask Zoe’s dad if I can use the phone. I ring home and Mum answers. I tell her what happened and that when Dad gets home he needs to come back and get me.

1.30pm

I have to wait for ages for Dad to come. I tell Ian and Zoe’s Mum Julie, that I have to go home because I feel really hot. They give me some squash with ice in to try and cool me down, and I sit on the sofa watching Sky TV with them for a bit.

Julie looks out of the living room window into the garden and says ‘ There’s that squirrel again Ian’.

We all walk over to the window to look at the squirrel, Julie asks ‘Whys it on the bird feeder eating those nuts’. I think in my head that Julie’s a boring idiot.

1.45pm

Dad finally gets to Zoe’s and when Ian answers the door I run out. Ian say’s to Dad ‘the sun’s still trying to come out, Shifali said it was forecast for this afternoon on the weather last night, but it’s going on two now and it looks like it might rain again’

Dad says ‘sorry, I’ve got no idea what you’re on about, see ya later yeah’.

We get in the car and I start crying I tell Dad about what happened, he said I shouldn’t have been nasty and that he didn’t think I was like that, which makes me cry even more.

We drive out of Zoe’s horrible estate and Dad starts to take the mick out of Ian to make me laugh ‘To Ian, happy birthday you boring arsewipe! Hope a bird crap’s on yer car, love Ian’.

Dad says we can go through the car wash, to cheer me up. I ask if we can pick Amy up on the way. Amy likes going through the carwash too because you can pretend you’re on Funhouse.

THE FIGHT

9am

It’s Tuesday and I forgot we do P.E. on Tuesday, which means I forgot got my kit, which means I have to get kit from the Tramp Box.  I hate P.E! I was lucky last year and broke my collarbone, so I got out of it for a few months.

The Tramp Box is in the school receptionist's office. I stare at the magic eye picture on the wall in the corridor, while I wait for her to answer the door. It’s a shark. It’s always a shark.

Mrs Minty, the receptionist, asks if I need a hand picking some P.E. kit, but I tell her I don’t, because I like picking my own clothes now. I pick a lime green Hi Tech T-shirt and some Adidas poppers. The Adidas poppers are pretty tight and come up to my shins, but at least they’re cooler than the  baggy brown  joggers that I had to wear last week. I can’t find any trainers in my size, so I just keep my school shoes on.

9.20 am

When I get back Kevin, the new boy in my class, coughs and says,' tramp', at the same time. He’s been trying to show off by being nasty to me ever since he started. Nanny Pam say’s he’s just jealous. I asked her what he would be jealous of, and she said my personality. I think she was just saying that to make me feel better though, nobody is jealous of a personality.

9.30 am

We’re playing rounders and our teacher has split us into teams. Kevin ‘s been made captain of my team and he decides who gets to bat first by making us all put our feet in a circle. Then he goes round hitting our feet and saying ‘ip dip dog shit, fucking bastard you are not it.’

 Kevin cheats and skips everyone’s feet, so I’m out first. I don’t care that I won’t get to bat for ages, I like sitting on the bench and thinking about things, while everyone else runs around like idiots. 

9.45am

It’s finally my turn to bat. I walk up to the spot you have to stand in, and wait for the bowler to get his hands out of his pants and throw the ball to me.

I miss three times and I’m out.

When I walk back to the bench Kevin asks me, ' What the fuck did you do that for?’ I tell him to bog off. When I go to sit back on the bench he shoves me with his shoulder. I hold the bat up in the air and think about whether or not to smash it in his stupid face, but then the teacher blows her whistle at us. I chuck the bat near Kevin’s feet. He screams and calls me 'a psycho'. Even though it didn’t even hit him.

11am

It’s break time, but me and Kevin have to stay in and write a letter to each other. The teacher said that we have to say sorry in the letter and write something nice about each other.

I write:

                                                                                      

 Dear Mr. Kevin Fitzpatrick,

I’m very sorry for dropping the bat near to your body (I’m happy it didn’t actually hit you. I would never have been able to forgive myself if it actually hit you) after you called me a tramp, swore and took the mickey out of me. 

I like your pencil case, because it’s Jurassic Park and that’s my favorite film at the moment.

Yours sincerely,

Miss. Holly Patricia Watson

11.20am

At the end of break we swap letters, Kevin’s says:

To Holy Sorry yor hare is nice. 

From Kev

3.30pm

Nanny Pam picks me up from school. In the car, I tell her about my crap day and show her the letter.

Nanny Pam says she thinks Kevin fancies me and says, 'Sometimes when men behave like arseholes, it means they love you. Just look at your Grandad. He was a miserable arse to me every single day of our marriage, but I knew deep down he loved me and still does.’

I think about whether I could force myself to fancy Kevin back. I’ve never had a boyfriend and I’m eleven now. Nanny Pam told me the other day about her friend Big Maureen that’s been left on the shelf. I imagine myself sat next to Big Maureen on a shelf in Nanny Pam’s living room. I think I'd rather be sat there for the rest of my life than go out with Kevin!