TWO LIONS ON THE SHIRT

6.00pm

We're going to watch the football at Grandad's new house tonight. I haven't seen Grandad in ages. Mum said he went away and got some money and now he’s back and has bought a big new house in Solihull. Candy has started going out with him again, and they've had a baby! So, today, I'm going to meet my baby uncle, Gary. 

6.30pm

We pull up to Grandad’s house. There's a drive and the front door has pillars outside! Dad asks Mum, ‘What’s he done to pull this off?'

Grandad has a tan, and even more gold jewellery on than usual. He gives us a tour of the house. There are five bedrooms and a Jacuzzi! Jenny asks Grandad if we can go in, but he says he's not wasting a tenner heating it up for us to piss in it.

In Grandads bedroom there’s a giant picture of Candy in her bikini kissing a dolphin. Grandad points at a smaller photo of him on the bedside table, in it he’s got even more of a tan and dreadlocks. He says, ‘That’s me, dressed as Bob Marley at a Jamaican night in the Costa Del Sol…bloody brilliant it was! Candy went as Jamaican Cher!’

7.00pm

The football is on in the living room. Uncle Gary is sleeping in his car seat in the corner, and Grandad’s mate, Ladders, is eating Doritos with one hand down his pants on the sofa.

Ladders gets up, shakes Dad’s hand, and gives mum a sloppy kiss on the cheek. I’m glad he doesn’t try and come near me, because his fingers and lips are all orange and cheesy from the crisps. Dad smells his hand and goes to the toilet.

England are playing Germany in the semi-final. Grandad and Ladders keep singing the Dad’s Army theme tune. I think they’re both drunk, because there are beer cans everywhere, and when Ladders gets up to shout at the TV he sways and forgets what he’s shouting at.

Me and Jenny practice our goal celebrations. Jenny is going over the top as usual, she does a cartwheel and ends in the splits. I do a star jump and clap.

8.15pm

At half time Candy comes into the living room holding a cake she's made and say's,  ‘Happy football day, everybody! Look, it's shaped like a football especially...'

Grandad says, 'What round? Aren’t all cakes round anyway?' 

'Well, yeah, but…oh shut up you tosser!'

Grandad snaps a big bit off with his hand and eats it, then he says, 'Candy what did you use to make this cake?'

'You know I used a packet mix. I bought it from Londis, with you! What are you getting at?'

'Oh nothing, sweetheart, it just tastes like you made it out of dog shit that's all.' 

Ladders sniffs the cake, pulls a stupid face at Grandad, as if he’s dying, then asks Candy, 

'Any of them Clubs left?'

Candy slams the cake down in front of Grandad’s feet on the coffee table, and tells Grandad to stop showing off to his alchy mate.

8.30pm

Grandad says he's got me and Jenny an England shirt each. He goes into the cupboard under the stairs and pulls out a bin bag, then chucks a shirt at Jenny. 

Nobody's eating the cake, so I help myself, to make Candy feel better, and because I quite like the taste of really salty stuff anyway. 

Grandad says to me, 'I've only got XL left for you Holl, but you'll soon grow into it, the way your putting that cake away. I'm sorry to say it love, but it looks like you've got the family fat gene off your Nan.'

I say,  'Nanny Pam's not fat!'

'No, love, but she could be if she ate more.' 

I have no idea what Grandad’s on about. I know I don't want to wear Nanny Pam's fat jeans though, the last time I wore her jeans was a disaster! I think about whether I’m fat and decide that I’m not, but I stop eating the cake just in case.

The shirts don't look like the ones everyone has at school. We put them on and start singing 'Three lions on the shirt…' then Jenny points out our shirts only have two lions and they look more like beavers. 

9pm

Ladders wakes Uncle Gary up by shouting and swearing at the TV. Candy lets me hold him for a bit. He's fat and tiny at the same time and his face is all squashed up and red like Grandads. He grabs my finger in his little fist, and I sing Football's Coming Home to him, which I think he likes, because he kicks his fat little legs. 

10pm

England lose, and Grandad kicks off. He says ‘I was there when the bombs

were coming down, those cheeky little fuckers still owe us one!’ 

Mum says, ‘You were born in 1946, Dad! Now stop swearing and being a racist prick in front on the kids!’

Ladders is definitely drunk. He’s been on the floor since the penalties started, when he fell over showing Grandad how to take one. Grandad gets a big bottle of red booze from the shelf above the TV. He opens Ladders mouth and starts pouring it in, then he asks Dad, ‘Who does Ladders remind you of?’

Dad says ‘Right, it’s time to go, get your shoes on kids’.

Grandad say’s ‘He’s Gazza, you know, doing the dentist chair.’

Ladders is coughing and laughing at the same time, and the booze is going all over his face and the carpet.

Candy comes in looks at Grandad sat on top of Ladders, and shouts ‘Get the fuck out you two!’ Then she looks at me and says all nice, ‘Holly, do you want to take the rest of that cake home, sweetheart, you looked like you were really enjoying it?’

10.30pm

In the car on the way home, Dad says that we’re not ever going round Grandad's house again, but he always says that. Me and Jenny sing, ‘Two lions on the shirt’, and do impressions of Ladders pretending to be Gazza.

NEW FRIENDS

10am

I’m feeding my Tamagotchi a burger and getting ready to go to a sleepover at my cousin Amy’s house.

The phone rings and Mum says it’s for me.

11am

Zoe from my school has rang! Nobody ever rings me from school apart from Amy and she doesn’t count because she’s my cousin. I’m in the school play with Zoe, Sammy and Lisa and they’ve started letting me hang out with them a bit at lunch times. I’m so excited, this is the first time I’ve actually been allowed to Zoe’s house!

I ring Amy and tell her I can’t come round, she says it’s fine, but I feel a bit bad. We’ve been planning a sleepover all week and were meant to meet at Londis in an hour to get supplies.

12.00pm

Zoe lives in a big house on the new estate, she told me she has a bathroom in her bedroom and her mum and dad have a car each! I’ve never been to her house before, but I know what it looks like. Nanny Pam likes going round the show home on the estate with me every couple of weeks to ‘see how the other half live’.  

The doorbell plays a really long song and then Zoe’s Dad, Ian, answers the door.

Ian say’s to Dad ‘This rain wasn’t forecast ‘

 Dad say’s ‘What’

‘This rain wasn’t forecast, I’ll have to move the new motor into the garage’

Both Dad’s look at Ian’s new car.

‘Vauxhall Calibra, drove her straight of the tarmac last week. It was a cheeky birthday pressie to meself. To Ian, happy birthday mate, Love Ian’

Dad says, ‘Right, well erm, what time shall I pick Holl up’

Ian says to me ‘You can stay for tea if you want Holly Pop, so Dad can pick you up around five’

Dad looks at me and gives me a really stupid smile, I know he can’t wait to take the mick out of Ian, but he just says ‘see you later Holl’ and walks to his car.

1pm

Ian shows me to Zoe’s room and I go in. Zoe and Lisa are sat on the carpet sticking stuff into their Fun Faxes. I sit down next to them and they ask me about the people at school.

Zoe’s room is pink and she has a million Sillvanian families everywhere. The hedgehog family is having a picnic on her windowsill and a mummy rabbit is doing a food shop on the bedside table. If my sister, Jenny, was here she would say Zoe’s room is babyish and sexist, but I like it.

Zoe and Lisa start talking about Sammy who isn’t here yet, they both say they don’t want Sammy to come round because they don’t like her anymore and that they wish she wasn’t in the play. They say they like me more and ask me if I like Sammy, I feel really hot and then I start to lie. I say I don’t like Sammy either and that I think she’s rubbish in the play, and then I get carried away and start saying her lines in a stupid voice.

They both start laughing. Then Zoe opens the bathroom door. Sammy is stood by the sink and is crying because she has been listening to everything.

 Zoe and Lisa said they lied to test if I was a true friend. I start shaking and tell Sammy I’m sorry and that I didn’t mean it, but the other girls are hugging her and tell me to leave her alone.

I run downstairs and ask Zoe’s dad if I can use the phone. I ring home and Mum answers. I tell her what happened and that when Dad gets home he needs to come back and get me.

1.30pm

I have to wait for ages for Dad to come. I tell Ian and Zoe’s Mum Julie, that I have to go home because I feel really hot. They give me some squash with ice in to try and cool me down, and I sit on the sofa watching Sky TV with them for a bit.

Julie looks out of the living room window into the garden and says ‘ There’s that squirrel again Ian’.

We all walk over to the window to look at the squirrel, Julie asks ‘Whys it on the bird feeder eating those nuts’. I think in my head that Julie’s a boring idiot.

1.45pm

Dad finally gets to Zoe’s and when Ian answers the door I run out. Ian say’s to Dad ‘the sun’s still trying to come out, Shifali said it was forecast for this afternoon on the weather last night, but it’s going on two now and it looks like it might rain again’

Dad says ‘sorry, I’ve got no idea what you’re on about, see ya later yeah’.

We get in the car and I start crying I tell Dad about what happened, he said I shouldn’t have been nasty and that he didn’t think I was like that, which makes me cry even more.

We drive out of Zoe’s horrible estate and Dad starts to take the mick out of Ian to make me laugh ‘To Ian, happy birthday you boring arsewipe! Hope a bird crap’s on yer car, love Ian’.

Dad says we can go through the car wash, to cheer me up. I ask if we can pick Amy up on the way. Amy likes going through the carwash too because you can pretend you’re on Funhouse.

THE FIGHT

9am

It’s Tuesday and I forgot we do P.E. on Tuesday, which means I forgot got my kit, which means I have to get kit from the Tramp Box.  I hate P.E! I was lucky last year and broke my collarbone, so I got out of it for a few months.

The Tramp Box is in the school receptionist's office. I stare at the magic eye picture on the wall in the corridor, while I wait for her to answer the door. It’s a shark. It’s always a shark.

Mrs Minty, the receptionist, asks if I need a hand picking some P.E. kit, but I tell her I don’t, because I like picking my own clothes now. I pick a lime green Hi Tech T-shirt and some Adidas poppers. The Adidas poppers are pretty tight and come up to my shins, but at least they’re cooler than the  baggy brown  joggers that I had to wear last week. I can’t find any trainers in my size, so I just keep my school shoes on.

9.20 am

When I get back Kevin, the new boy in my class, coughs and says,' tramp', at the same time. He’s been trying to show off by being nasty to me ever since he started. Nanny Pam say’s he’s just jealous. I asked her what he would be jealous of, and she said my personality. I think she was just saying that to make me feel better though, nobody is jealous of a personality.

9.30 am

We’re playing rounders and our teacher has split us into teams. Kevin ‘s been made captain of my team and he decides who gets to bat first by making us all put our feet in a circle. Then he goes round hitting our feet and saying ‘ip dip dog shit, fucking bastard you are not it.’

 Kevin cheats and skips everyone’s feet, so I’m out first. I don’t care that I won’t get to bat for ages, I like sitting on the bench and thinking about things, while everyone else runs around like idiots. 

9.45am

It’s finally my turn to bat. I walk up to the spot you have to stand in, and wait for the bowler to get his hands out of his pants and throw the ball to me.

I miss three times and I’m out.

When I walk back to the bench Kevin asks me, ' What the fuck did you do that for?’ I tell him to bog off. When I go to sit back on the bench he shoves me with his shoulder. I hold the bat up in the air and think about whether or not to smash it in his stupid face, but then the teacher blows her whistle at us. I chuck the bat near Kevin’s feet. He screams and calls me 'a psycho'. Even though it didn’t even hit him.

11am

It’s break time, but me and Kevin have to stay in and write a letter to each other. The teacher said that we have to say sorry in the letter and write something nice about each other.

I write:

                                                                                      

 Dear Mr. Kevin Fitzpatrick,

I’m very sorry for dropping the bat near to your body (I’m happy it didn’t actually hit you. I would never have been able to forgive myself if it actually hit you) after you called me a tramp, swore and took the mickey out of me. 

I like your pencil case, because it’s Jurassic Park and that’s my favorite film at the moment.

Yours sincerely,

Miss. Holly Patricia Watson

11.20am

At the end of break we swap letters, Kevin’s says:

To Holy Sorry yor hare is nice. 

From Kev

3.30pm

Nanny Pam picks me up from school. In the car, I tell her about my crap day and show her the letter.

Nanny Pam says she thinks Kevin fancies me and says, 'Sometimes when men behave like arseholes, it means they love you. Just look at your Grandad. He was a miserable arse to me every single day of our marriage, but I knew deep down he loved me and still does.’

I think about whether I could force myself to fancy Kevin back. I’ve never had a boyfriend and I’m eleven now. Nanny Pam told me the other day about her friend Big Maureen that’s been left on the shelf. I imagine myself sat next to Big Maureen on a shelf in Nanny Pam’s living room. I think I'd rather be sat there for the rest of my life than go out with Kevin!

GRANDAD'S SHOP

8am

It’s Saturday and I’m sniffing Joop in Mum and Dad’s room. Dad has got a job, but it means he has to live in Germany and we only get to see him once a month.

Last week I sprayed Joop on my school jumper so I could smell Dad all day. Zoe in my class said I smelled like her Uncle Tony though, and everyone called me Uncle Tony, so now I just sniff the bottle.

8.30am

Mum’s working in Grandad’s shop today. He gave Aunty Mandy the sack last week, for giving Nanny Pam a discount, and begged mum to work last night. We have to go too because Nanny Pam's in Tenerife with her boyfriend Colin, and can't look after us. 

9.30am

We get to Grandad’s shop and he’s having a fag outside. He blocks the door to the shop with his leg, so we can’t go in. Then he tells us his list of shop rules:

1.  Don’t call me Grandad; there are lots of lovely young ladies round ‘ere that think I’m still in me forties.

2. Don’t touch anything!

3. Don't go near the aisle closest to the back door!

4.You can have one bag of pic-n-mix each, but don’t take the piss, none of the posh stuff with wrappers on. And don’t open the tub of foam bananas, I trapped a fly in there yesterday and I don’t think the bastards dead yet. 

10am

The inside of Grandad’s shop smells like wee and dettol. There is junk everywhere, and Grandad has made some of the shelves himself out of stacked up old fag boxes and planks of wood.

Me and Jenny push Josh up and down the shop in his buggy, and look at all the stuff. It’s hard pushing the buggy because the whole shop floor has thick hairy carpet. Jenny says the orange and brown swirly pattern on it is to hide all the dog poo and sick.

 Grandad sells all sorts, fishing rods, tin openers, fake stuff… We try on some Roy Ban’s sunglasses and Jenny sprays on some Melvin Klien perfume. I smell the bottle that looks like Joop but its called Dupe, it doesn't smell anything like Dad.

I ask Jenny what she thinks is in the aisle we’re not allowed in. Jenny says it’s probably guns, tear gas and grenades, but I think she’s just saying that because she’s been learning about World War One at school.

11am

An old lady asks Mum at the till if she can have a discount on a plate because it has a crack in.

Grandad snatches the plate off Mum and smashes it on the floor. Then he says, ‘You can have it for free love.’

Mum says sorry to the old lady, but she just says something about ‘bloody gyppos’ and walks out the shop.

Grandad shouts after her, ‘Don’t bother coming back unless you can afford the price tag, you tight arsed old cow…’

12pm

Grandad has gone out to the cash and carry and Mum is sorting out the rental videos near the front of the shop. 

Me and Jenny leave Josh in the garden ornament aisle with a little stone hedgehog and a bag of pic-n-mix. Then we sneak to the aisle nearest the back door.

There is lots of dressing up stuff for grown-ups. One of the outfits is really shiny and looks like a cross between a police woman and a swimming costume, and the lady on the packaging has lots of make-up on. Jenny passes me a candle that is shaped like a willy and I pretend to do a wee with it.

There’s loads of other weird stuff too. Jenny told me what condoms do last year, but I still don’t really get it. I don’t think she even understands what the Pina-Colada flavoured ones we find are for though.

1pm

Grandad comes back with lunch. He’s holding a bag of chips in one hand and is picking his nose with the other.

He serves the chips up with his hands and puts them on paper plates for us all. Me and Jenny inspect each chip for bogeys before we eat them. Mum doesn’t eat anything.

4pm

Grandad gives mum some money for working, but says that he’s taking off the money for the chips, so she only gets a tenner. I feel really angry at Grandad. I wouldn’t have eaten any of those bogey chips if I knew mum had to pay for them. When Grandad’s not looking me and Jenny stuff a load of posh pic-n-mix under Josh’s buggy.

6pm

We get home and Mum lets us ring Dad. When it’s Jenny’s turn to speak, she tells him all about the funny outfits in Grandad’s shop. I know she’s told Dad on purpose as he won’t let us go there again.

I tell Dad that I miss him and read him the postcard Nanny Pam sent us from Tenerife. He laughs when I tell him the bit about Colin eating a dodgy roast dinner at the beach bar, and losing a stone in one night.  

6.30pm

Mum has locked her bedroom door and we can hear her crying. Jenny says its because Grandad's been an arse hole and she misses Dad. We push some posh pic 'n' mix under her door until she lets us in, then we snuggle and watch Blind Date. 

LADIES NIGHT

www.hannahslaney.com

6pm

Mum and Dad have gone to see my Uncle Steve’s band, Spaghetti Funktion, play. Jenny and me are too young to watch a band, so we’re getting dropped off round Nanny Pam’s house.

Mum wasn’t sure about letting us go to Nanny Pam’s tonight, because she’s having one of her Ladies nights. I heard Nanny Pam tell her it would be ok though, because Derek’s put his back out, so won’t be able to perform this time.

When we get to Nanny Pam’s, Maeve answers the door. Maeve works with Nanny Pam on the fag counter in Tesco. I like her, she tells funny stories. Once she told us that her sister had collected all the hair from her Alsatian out of the carpet for three years, and then made a jumper out of it. Another time she said an elephant nicked a Wagon Wheel out of her handbag at West Midlands Safari park.

A few more of Nanny Pam’s friends from the fag counter and neighbors are sat in her living room.  Nanny Pam is showing them her new dimmer switch by turning the light off, and then turning it back on really slowly.

6.15pm

Maeve gets a fag out of her purse and lights it with her rudey naked man lighter. Nanny Pam asks, ‘What the hell are you smoking? They bloody stink!’ Maeve says she’s got a bit of a cold, so she’s smoking menthols.

6.45pm

I’m not sure I like ladies night so far. A cheesy looking lady called Lisa, who smells like the sniffy bits in the Avon catalogue, is trying to sell some plastic boxes. Nanny Pam’s friends keep asking her really stupid questions about putting them in the microwave.

7pm

After everyone fills out plastic box order forms, we go into the kitchen. Nanny Pam has put on a buffet. All the food is brown, apart from the ham, which is grey.

Cheesy Lisa asks what the triangle things on the silver platter are. Nanny Pam tells her that they are ‘SAM MO SA’S’. Lisa nibbles one and starts fanning her mouth. She says, ‘I’m sorry, Pam, but they’re way too spicy for me. I’m not a lover of Chinese food’.

Maeve makes a joke about the little wrinkly sausages and her husband. Everyone laughs. I look at Jenny and she’s laughing too. I know she’s faking though, because she’s going really over the top and pretending to wipe tears away from her eyes.

www.hannahslaney.com

7.30pm

The doorbell rings, and Nanny Pam leaves the kitchen to answer it. When she comes back she says, ‘Ladies, say hello to Mystic Mickey!’

Mystic Mickey is wearing a baggy suit with a big collar and has weird hair that is white and spiky.

He says, ‘Now then, ladies, who’s ready to talk to the other side? When I say are you ready to let the spirits enter, you all need to say, ‘Yes, Mickey.’ So, are you ready to let the spirits enter?’

We all say, ‘Yes, Mickey’

7.40pm

Nanny pam dims the light, and Jenny and me sit really close to each other on the puff.

Mickey starts by asking his spirit guide, Gary, to help him. He says that Gary lives on the other side and can go and fetch people we want to speak to.  

 ‘Are you there Gary, Gary are you there?’

I hold Jenny’s hand when Mickey starts speaking in a weird high voice, ‘I’m here Mickey, and I have someone with me. He wants to say that he’s having a cuppa and he’s happy now.’

 Nanny Pam’s neighbour Maureen, says it sounds like her husband, Ron.

Mickey says in his normal voice, ‘Gary, do we have Ron with us?’

Then, he says in his weird voice, ‘It is Ron and he wants to say that he’s ok and he’s remembering a holiday that they had somewhere hot. Was it Spain…Portugal…Greece?…’

Maureen starts crying and says, ‘Wales… he’s talking about our holiday in Wales.’

Mickey says, ‘Yes, that’s right Wales! Anyway, Ron wants you to know the dinners are alright up here, but they’re not as nice as yours. He’s got to go now, though. His favourite program is about to start on the telly.’

Maureen says, ‘But he only really liked the snooker, and that’s not on for another month…’

Mystic Mickey replies, ‘Ron says the schedules are different up here.’

8pm

After Cheesy Lisa has spoken to her Great Aunty on the other side and Maeve has spoken to her dead budgie, Mystic Mickey starts going on about  Gary being tired and needing to pack it in for the evening.

Everyone goes back into the kitchen for a drink. Me and Jenny watch Mystic Mickey sniff a samosa and eat six vol-au-vents, while Maureen asks him all about Ron and whether he’s met another woman on the other side.

9pm

When everyone’s gone, me, Jenny and Nanny Pam snuggle up on the sofa. I ask Nanny Pam if she was sad that she didn’t get to speak to anyone. Nanny Pam says she’s not arsed, because everything Mickey said was a load of crap... it’s never hot in Wales.

Nanny Pam promises that when she dies she’ll come back and haunt us herself, so we don’t have to waste forty quid on Mystic Mickey.