THE WEDDING: PART TWO

10am

Nanny Pam is curling my hair with her hot rollers in the living room. Aunty Mandy is getting ready upstairs with Mum, and Dad is trying to find a shoe.

Jenny’s really angry that the wedding is back on, and has said she’s not going to smile all day as a peaceful protest. She’s gone out the front to play in her bridesmaid dress. Nanny Pam keeps banging on the window at her, and shouts, ‘No!', every time Jenny picks up her bike.  

I tell Nanny Pam about Mandy crying last night. 

She says, ‘You can either love someone dangerously, or like someone safely, and thankfully Mandy’s chosen the latter.’  

I don’t really understand what she means, but it still makes me feel a bit sad. I forget all about it though, when Nanny Pam lets me put some blusher on.

12pm

Grandad and Candy have come round to take me and Jenny to the church with Mandy. 

He’s tied some ribbon to his car, but it still has all of his junk inside. I have to sit on top of a video player, and Candy has a box of garden ornaments on her lap.

Grandad has given Jenny and me a go of his camcorder. I’m filming Jenny pretending to be kidnapped.

She looks at the camera and says, ‘Help me. They’ve made me wear a dress against my will. And now I have to follow the alien queen up the aisle, where she will become a slave for all eternity.’

Mandy says, ‘Turn that bloody thing off!'

12.30pm:

We get outside the church and Jenny gets into a fight with my cousin Joe, because he laughed at our dresses. Jenny bites Joe on the elbow, and he punches her in the face, which makes her have a really big nosebleed. 

Jenny’s dress is covered in blood, and when Mandy sees her she starts crying again.  I think Jenny likes having blood on her dress; I saw her putting even more blood from her nose on it in the toilet.

3pm

After the church, we drive to the Unicorn Club for the party bit. 

Before we’re allowed to start eating the buffet, we have to listen to Grandad’s speech.

He says ‘Firstly, I’d like to thank myself for being here today, because I could barely afford the petrol, after Pamela took me for all I had when we got divorced….

 

3.20pm

…at first I doubted if Mandy was even mine, because Pamela always had a headache, if you know what I mean. Then, I remembered one hell of a night in Marbella, when Pamela and I had one too many Banana Breeze Cocktails at Maria’s bar….

…she was gorgeous…I could have had her there and then, but then Pamela pulled me off Maria, and dragged me back to the hotel.

3.30pm

…after the divorce she took everything, the car, the silver service set….

3.40pm

…. even the cat bowl, and the cat died fifteen years ago... 

4pm

…well, all that’s left to do is wish the groom good luck. He’s gonna fucking need it with this family.

6pm

The disco has started, and I’m practicing some of my new dance moves with Nanny Pam. We fall over twice, but Nanny Pam just laughs her head off. I tell Nanny Pam that I love her and that Grandad’s speech made me fall asleep.

 She says, ‘Grandad’s why you should be very careful about falling in love’  .

 

THE WEDDING: PART ONE

3.30pm

Dad’s picking us up from school, because he hasn’t got a job anymore. He’s stood at the back of the playground and is dragging his foot along the tarmac to try and get something off his shoe.

I walk up to Dad; he’s really red and angry and is blaming standing in dog crap on Margaret Thatcher. 

We get in car. Dad gets pooh all over his hand when he tries to take his shoe off. He tells Jenny she’ll have to do the gears while he sticks his hand out of the sunroof. Jenny’s used to doing the gears. Sometimes she sits on Dad’s knee and helps drive back from Nanny Pam’s house, when I’m eleven I’ll be allowed to help drive too.

I love it when Dad picks me up from school; he plays his tapes really loud in the car and everyone looks at us. Even though Dad’s got his hand stuck out the sunroof with dog crap on it, I pretend I’m in a music video by resting my arm on the window and looking moody, just in case Tom from my class walks past.

4pm

When we drive up to our house we notice that Grandad’s car is parked outside, Dad says, ‘Bollocks’. Sometimes when we see Grandad’s car parked outside we drive off until he’s gone. Last time, we hid round the back of the Happy Shopper eating crisps until it was safe to go back. This time, Mum’s already let him in, and Dad needs to wash his hand, so there’s no escape.

When we walk in Grandad looks at Dad who’s holding his hand in the air and trying not to touch anything.

Grandad says, ‘Is that shit on your hand, you bloody idiot’.

Jenny whispers to me, ‘Grandads a bloody idiot’.

Dad tells her off for swearing.

Grandad and Candy have come round to talk about my Aunty Mandy’s wedding tomorrow. He says he’s written a speech that will help him get a few things off his chest about this family. Mum has her head in her hands.

5pm

Grandad gets up to leave, Dad shakes his hand and says, ‘Good luck tomorrow, mate’. When he’s gone, Dad tells us he used his dog pooh hand to shake Grandad’s. Me and Jenny laugh our heads off.

7pm

My Aunty Mandy has come round, and Me and Jenny are spying on her and Mum in the kitchen. Mandy’s smoking and crying, and Mum is eating a Penguin.

Mandy says she doesn’t think she can marry a man who eats a McDonalds on a plate with knife and fork, and say’s, ‘Sorry, love’ every time he farts.

Mum asks, ‘What do you call a happy penguin?’

Mandy says, ‘Fuck off, you’re not even listening’  

I whisper to Jenny, ‘A Pen-grin’

9pm

Jenny’s says she’s happy that the wedding might be off, because she hates wearing dresses, and says being a bridesmaid is child labour and against her beliefs.

I tell her that I’m happy too, but I’m not. I really want to be a bridesmaid tomorrow. Nanny Pam has even promised to come round in the morning, and curl my hair with her hot rollers. 

I go into Mum and Dad’s room and cry while looking in the mirror like they do in music videos…

…..To Be Continued

NEVER SEEN THE SEA

2pm

My teacher Mrs. Woods has sent Alan out of the class, for calling her an arse hole.

2.05pm

When you get sent out of class you’re meant to wait outside and face the wall, but when Mrs. Woods goes to tell Alan to come back in, he’s gone.

I don’t know why Mrs. Woods bothers sending Alan out any more; he just legs it.

2.10pm

Mrs. Woods tells me to go and look for Alan, because I’m the only one he talks to when he’s in one of his moods.

 People don’t really like Alan. He gets quite angry about things, and Natalie said that his mum came into school with a knife once. I don’t mind him though; he hates school even more than I do. And he does funny things like eating pages from his workbook and saying they taste like prawn cocktail crisps.

2.15pm

I look in all the usual spots for Alan. Last time, he was in the craft cupboard sticking glitter and googly eyes to his school jumper.

This time he’s lying on the school field with his top off and his hands behind his head. I walk up to him and ask, ‘Are you coming in Alan?’

He tells me to piss off, but I sit down next to him anyway.

 He says, ‘I’m trying to get a suntan’

I tell him that I got a tan last year on holiday in Majorca, and that I’m not sure you can get one in Coventry, in February.

He tells me that he’s never been on holiday, not even in England. He’s never seen the sea!

2.20pm

I lie down next to Alan; we close our eyes and pretend we’re on a holiday. I tell him the beach is like the sandpit in the Infant’s playground, but much bigger and with less cat shit in it.

He says that he wants to go to the Caribbean, because he saw Mr. Motivator exercising on a beach there on GMTV, and he had a Bounty at his Nan’s once.

2.25pm

I tell Alan that we should go back inside. He stands up and puts his jumper back on, it's covered in red glitter and googly eyes.

We walk back to our classroom together.

NANNY PAM'S JEANS

8am

I’m going on a school trip to Coombe Abbey today. I’m really excited, because my cousin, Leanne, says it’s haunted, and once she saw a ghost eating an egg batch in the café.

We had a letter about the trip that mum found in my school bag this morning; it says: ‘wear outdoor trousers’. Mum asks me, ‘What the hell are outdoor trousers?’

The washing machine is broken, so I don’t have any trousers to wear anyway.

8.20am

The only trousers that we find which we think might be outdoor trousers are the ones Nanny Pam dropped off, for Mum to take to the charity shop. They’re her old jeans. Nanny Pam is quite little and I’m quite tall for my age, so they sort of fit me; they’re just a bit short and very baggy around my thighs, and I have to wear them with a belt done up to the last hole.

We haven’t got much food in the house, so Mum makes a pancake and puts it in a plastic bag for my packed lunch.

9am

I get on the coach, and Zoe from my class says, ‘Are they your mum’s jeans?’ and laughs. I say, ‘They’re my Nan’s actually’, which shuts her up.

I sit at the front of the coach with my teacher, Mrs. Woods. I ask her lots of questions like: Has she ever been to Majorca? Does she know any vegetarians? Has she ever held a lizard?

10pm

We get to Coombe Abbey, and walk round for a bit, while a man called Geoff tells us some stuff about the house. He doesn’t say anything about ghosts!

12pm

We have our lunch on the lawn outside. I get my pancake out which has gone sweaty, but still tastes aright. I eat it under my coat, because Zoe is looking at me.

12.20pm

After we’ve eaten, we’re allowed to play for a bit. Tom and Sam from my class are climbing a tree, and I’m watching.

12.25pm

I decide to climb a really big tree, because I think Tom will like it if he could see how good I am at climbing. I climb as high as I can and shout to Tom, but he’s gone.

 I try and come down but I can’t.

12.26pm

I’m stuck up the tree.

12.27pm

I feel really hot and angry. I think I hope I die up here, so I can become a ghost and haunt anyone from Mount Nod School that dares come to bloody Coombe Abbey ever again.

12.28pm

I start crying; I don’t want to die and be buried in Nanny Pam’s jeans.

12.29pm

I start screaming.

12.30pm

Sam’s Dad, who is helping on the school trip, lifts me out of the tree.

3.00pm

We get back, and its home time. Mrs. Woods goes up to Dad in the playground and tells him how I ran off and got stuck up a tree, and how nobody knew where I was and that anything could have happened.

3.20pm

I’m sat in the car with Dad. He says that this weekend we’re going to the park to learn how to climb a tree and get back down again, after he’s got me some new jeans.

 

BORED

10am

It’s Saturday. Mum and Dad have gone to Carpet Right, and my cousin Leanne has come round to look after us and do Mum’s ironing.

My sister Jenny and brother Josh are playing Hungry Hippos. I’m not playing because Josh is cheating by grabbing all balls and shoving them in his hippos’ mouth.

I’m so bored! I lie upside down on the sofa with my head touching the floor, and talk to Leanne while she does the ironing. I ask her lots of questions like: Is she still going out with Swany Kid? Does she like Lasagne? Does Swany Kid like Lasagne? Has she ever been on a dual carriageway?

She just answers yes or no, until I ask her what Swany Kids real name is. She says it's really Gaz, but he’s been called Swany Kid ever since Tall Paul said his mum looks like a Swan. She always wears a white jacket, has a long neck, and uses a lot of black eye make-up.

10.30am

Leanne’s puts her headphones on. I ring Nanny Pam and ask her what she’s up to. She says she’s going to look at bathrooms in Homebase with Colin. She says I can come, but I say I don’t want to.

The last time I went to Homebase with Nanny Pam we were there three hours, and they wouldn’t even let me go to Pet City next door afterwards, because Colin doesn’t like the snakes.

My cousin Craig says he taught the parrot in Pet City the F-word, but Nanny Pam said that’s a load of rubbish, it can only say the S-word and Hello.

10.45am

I ring my Uncle Mark to ask him what number the Horoscopes are on Teletext. His home number just keeps ringing, so I call the work one in the address book. He tells me that I should write the numbers down, as I can’t keep ringing him at work just to see what crap Mystic Meg has to say.

11.00am

I read my horoscope, which says, a situation at work is getting out of hand, and I’ll have to confront it before I can move on.

 I don’t like it when my horoscope says stuff about jobs and money, because I don’t have a job or any money, but if it’s about love I can think about Tom from school.

12.00pm

I go into the kitchen to make myself some lunch, there’s not much food in the house, so I just make a salt and butter batch. I make one for Leanne too, she says it’s the weirdest batch she’s ever had, and just has a few bites.

3pm

Mum and Dad come back, I tell them that this has been the most boring day of my life. Dad says he’s had the most boring day of his life too, at Carpet Right.

I go upstairs and look out the window for a bit with Jenny. Our next-door neighbor Carol is in her garden, we like to spy on her sometimes to see what she’s up to. Jenny says she saw her digging a big hole in her garden a few weeks ago.

4pm

Dad tells us to come downstairs. He has set up a game of Gladiators in the living room. Dad’s Wolf, Josh is Shadow, Mum’s John Anderson and Jenny and Me are the Contenders. We play until Josh falls asleep on the Travelator, which is a duvet on the stairs.