MR FRIDAYS

8.30am

I told my mum last night, I’m never eating anything from our local shop ‘Mr. Friday’s’ ever again. Here is my list of reasons:

1.  My cousin Leanne said that Mr. Friday opens all the bags of Walkers crisps to find the blue packets   that have the prizes in, and then closes them back up with Pritt Stick. Leanne knows this, because once Mr. Friday got the crisps mixed up, and she found a roast chicken flavour crisp in her bag of salt and vinegar. He also has a new van; Leanne says he bought with all the fivers he found in the crisps.

 2.   Mr. Friday has magazines with naked women in at the back of the shop, and my sister Jenny says these are against our beliefs.

3.  Natalie from my class told me Mr. Friday is a wanted criminal in Leicester, and he had to cross the border into Coventry, so the police couldn’t get him.

Mum says she respects my decision, but she is not going to stop shopping there, because she can’t get to Tesco when Dad is working away. I hate it when Dad works away; he never goes to Mr. Fridays.

We’re running late for school, because we’ve lost the hairbrush again. We can’t find it, so mum uses one of my little brother’s Stickle Bricks instead.

11am

It's break time, and I’m eating a packet of Bombay Mix that I bought from the tuck shop. My cousin Amy is at the dentist, so there isn’t anyone to hang around with, apart from Mr. Haywood, the caretaker. I ask him if he wants the green bits in my Bombay Mix, but he says, ‘No thanks Holly!’. He finds me a brush and I help him sweep up for a bit.

12.30pm

Mum has sneaked some Bobby’s Spirals into my lunch box. I know they’re from Mr.Fridays, because they have a sticker on saying Mr. Fridays. Luckily, Amy’s back from the dentist, so I swap them with her Tomato Snaps.

3.30pm

Mum picks me up and says she has to get dinner from Mr. Fridays on the way home. She says I can eat the Cornflakes left over from the selection box for my dinner.

 Just when I think things can’t get any worse, we see Tom from my class and his mum walking in front of us with a dog. My mum catches up with them and says, ‘Is that a new dog Tom? What’s its name?’

Tom says ‘Holly’, and mum asks, ‘Did you name it after my Holly?’

Tom says ‘No!’

4pm

I’m waiting outside Mr. Fridays with my brother Josh in his buggy. Mr.Friday waves at us through the window. Josh waves back, but I pretend to check my shoes for dog poo. I feel bad, because Mr.Friday always smiles at me and says ‘Hello’, on my way back from school.

6pm

I’m starving and think I might die. All I had for dinner was a mashed up choc ice with some Cornflakes in, because the milk was from Mr.Fridays. Everyone else had mum’s special pizza toast.

7pm

I start to cry, because I think I can’t survive without any food from Mr.Fridays. Mum gives me a hug and says she’s saved me some pizza toast in the oven, and that Walkers wouldn’t let Mr.Friday get away with gluing crisp packets back together, and Pritt Stick isn’t strong enough anyway.  

I decide to carry on eating stuff from Mr. Fridays until I have a job and a car in ten years time, and can go to the big Tesco.

THE CARBOOT

6am

Nanny Pam and me are loading the car full of stuff for a car boot that we’re doing at The Unicorn Club car park this morning. I ask where all of the stuff came from, and Nanny Pam says, ‘it’s your Grandad’s dodgy old crap’.

8am

The car is so full that I have to sit where people’s feet usually are, and Nanny Pam has to tell me to duck whenever she thinks she sees a policeman.

I’m sat next to a Roses tin full of PG Tip Chimpanzie cards. I tell Nanny Pam they might be worth something one day, and she tells me that I’ve been listening to Grandad too much.

On the way, Nanny Pam asks me if Grandad’s new wife can drive. I tell her that she can, but that she always has pink lipstick on her teeth.

9am

We set up our stall; I put out all of Grandad’s things and wonder if he’d be sad, if he knew that Nanny Pam is selling them. A lady asks me ‘How much for the African Masks’ Nanny Pam says she can have them for free, because they might be cursed.

10am

An old man comes up to our stall and asks Nanny Pam, ‘How much for you, sweetheart?’ Nanny Pam says, ‘I’m priceless love ’. When the man walks off, Nanny Pam tells me that he’s just a ‘harmless perv’. I say, ‘I hate him’. Nanny Pam laughs, but I mean it.

12pm

We have our Pot Noodles and share a Kit Kat for lunch. Nanny Pam gives me £2 to spend while she looks after the stall. I buy a pig, because I’ve started collecting them; this one is a biscuit jar that has a dirty bib on saying, ‘Greedy Fat Pig’. When I come back, I ask Nanny Pam how much she wants for the Chimpanzee cards, and she gives me them for free.

Nanny Pam goes off and comes back with something called a Lazy Susan, and some Tarot Cards.

4pm

We’re having a chippy tea to celebrate all our hard work; we use the Lazy Susan to pass each other the curry sauce. After we’ve put the bags in the bin, I ask Nanny Pam if she can read my tarot cards while we eat our choc ices.

She says I need to ask them a question, so, in my head, I ask if Tom from school fancies me. I pull out a card with a Sun on it. Nanny Pam tells me it means that love is on the horizon, but I have to read lots of books, wait ten years, and make her a coffee before it comes.

8pm

We watch Antiques Road Show. Nanny Pam always tries to guess how much the stuff is. Then when they reveal it, she say’s things like, ‘He’s had his pants pulled down there’. I think that in twenty years time, I’ll go on with my pig collection, which Grandad says should be worth at least £250 by then.

WIZARDY WAYNE

10am

I’m going to a party at the community centre. Sophie asked if I could come at school yesterday, because Zoe is on holiday, and Natalie broke her arm at Drayton Manor Park.

This is my first party of the year that has been outside my house, with people that aren’t just my Mum and Dads friends, and there is going to be a magician! It’s also fancy dress, which mum is annoyed about because she only has this morning to find an outfit.

12pm

I’m going to the party in my Halloween outfit, which is Wednesday Addams. I wear my long black velvet skirt and mum plaits my hair, then I put fake blood down my lips, because I had some that needed using up.

Mum tells me Tom’s mum said he would be at the party too. I say, 'I don’t care', but I do, because I want him to see me outside of school in my costume.

1pm

When I get to the party, I’m so pleased I’ve gone as Wednesday Addams, because everyone else is dressed as the Spice Girls, apart from Tom and Sam who are dressed as Noel and Liam Gallagher.

1.30pm

Wizardy Wayne asks if any one can tear up a packet of cigarette papers with their hands. I think Tom would really like it if he could see how strong I am, so I put my hand up. I can’t do it, and Wizardy Wayne laughs. Then everyone else laughs, even Tom. This makes me feel really hot and red. Wizardy Wayne says Abracadabra and tears them up himself.

All the other tricks are rubbish too. There are no rabbits or saws, and the best bit was when he tore the Yellow Pages in half, but that was just Sellotaped together.

3pm

Dad picks me up from the party and I tell him that I hate Wizardy Wayne, I hate Sophie and I hate everyone from school.

Dad says Wizardy Wayne will probably be locked up in a few years, and that he saw Sophie’s dad down the chippy, and he’s a miserable fat old fart, and that there’s no hiding from genetics. And best of all I can have Monday of school to help him dig clay from the brook for a sculpture he’s building. 

THE BURGLARY

9am

It’s Saturday morning and my sister, Jenny, and me are mixing a packet of coco pops and a packet of cornflakes together from the end of a selection box, so one of us doesn’t have to just eat cornflakes.

Usually at this time on Saturday we see our neighbour’s Kyle and Toby walk past the living room window. They are the same age as my sister, and me, and on Saturday mornings they go to Karate, Tennis and Scouts. Jenny and me see them walk past six times in total, because we are watching our programs on the T.V. by the window the whole time.

This week they don’t walk past though, because they have gone on holiday to Wales, and we are looking after their house.

11am

Mum and me go round to Kyle and Toby’s house to feed their cat, Mr. Percy, and open the curtains. I go up to Kyle’s room. I love going into to Kyle’s room when he’s not there, because usually I’m not allowed to touch his things.

In between the Blue Peter Tracey Island and Karate trophies on Kyle’s shelf, there is a rock band made out of eggshells. I swap the guitar and keyboard player around, and go back downstairs to stroke Mr. Percy.

2pm

I’m watching the end of my Aladdin video, when some men walk past the living room window with a T.V. and camcorder on top of Kyle and Toby's sofa. I think they must be back from their holiday early and that their mum and dad are getting some stuff moved.

5pm

Mum comes back from giving Mr Percy his evening meal, and I hear her say to dad that the neighbours have been burgled. I tell Mum I saw some men moving stuff from their house earlier and that I thought they were back from Wales. Mum says I shouldn’t ever tell this to Kyle and Toby or their Mum and Dad.

6pm

Jenny and me play You’ve Been Framed by going down the stairs on our mattress and pretending to video it; at the end of the game we get £200 of fake money from our toy post office and post it through our letter box.

CHRISTMAS EVE

8am

Mum and Dad are in bed. Me, my sister, Jenny and little brother, Josh are watching Christmas cartoons, while  I cook us all some satsuma segments on the radiator.

We are all sat on the floor in front of the T.V, because mum and dad had a Christmas party the night before, and there is a man asleep on the sofa.

9am

I sit on the edge of the coffee table and stare at the man. He is wearing jeans and a Smiths t-shirt. He opens one eye, says a rude word, and tells me to turn the TV down.

When both his eyes are open, I tell him he’s at my Mum and Dad’s house, and then introduce him to my brother and sister.

I ask him lots of questions, like: Does he have a house? Does he have kids? What does he want for Christmas? Does he like Satsuma’s? Has he ever seen a ghost?

10am

Mum and Dad say Jenny and me are allowed to go to the newsagents down the road to do our Christmas shopping.

There is a car boot sale outside the shops and we find Mum the perfect present; it is a glittery Father Christmas to hang on the tree. We call him Gary Glitter Father Christmas.

12pm

I show Dad Gary Glitter Father Christmas, and he helps me build a sleigh for him out of wood in the garage.

I’m so excited about Mum’s present and Christmas tomorrow I run around the house singing ‘I’m so excited, and I just can’t hide it…’

3pm

We drive to Granddad’s house. We have been seeing a lot more of Granddad lately. He has moved five doors up the road from Nanny Pam with his new wife Candy. Candy wears white suits with gold shoes, and always has pink lipstick on her teeth.

Granddad gives me a Marbie doll for Christmas. Marbie looks like Barbie but has a lot more make-up on and wears less clothes.

4pm

We walk down the road to Nanny Pams house. Nanny Pam has the best Christmas lights on the whole street. There is a blow up Father Christmas on the lawn that reaches Nanny Pam’s bedroom widow, some reindeer on the roof, and a singing Christmas tree on the doorstep.

Every Christmas Eve Nanny Pam’s ex boyfriend, Jim, hand delivers Nanny Pam a Christmas card, and then runs off before Nanny Pam can open the door. I feel sorry for Jim and every year I think next year I will wait outside for him to say hello, but then I forget about him.

6pm

We get home and put mince pies and sherry out for Father Christmas. I usually like to leave a Cadbury’s mini roll out as well, so he can have a choice.