THE CARBOOT

6am

Nanny Pam and me are loading the car full of stuff for a car boot that we’re doing at The Unicorn Club car park this morning. I ask where all of the stuff came from, and Nanny Pam says, ‘it’s your Grandad’s dodgy old crap’.

8am

The car is so full that I have to sit where people’s feet usually are, and Nanny Pam has to tell me to duck whenever she thinks she sees a policeman.

I’m sat next to a Roses tin full of PG Tip Chimpanzie cards. I tell Nanny Pam they might be worth something one day, and she tells me that I’ve been listening to Grandad too much.

On the way, Nanny Pam asks me if Grandad’s new wife can drive. I tell her that she can, but that she always has pink lipstick on her teeth.

9am

We set up our stall; I put out all of Grandad’s things and wonder if he’d be sad, if he knew that Nanny Pam is selling them. A lady asks me ‘How much for the African Masks’ Nanny Pam says she can have them for free, because they might be cursed.

10am

An old man comes up to our stall and asks Nanny Pam, ‘How much for you, sweetheart?’ Nanny Pam says, ‘I’m priceless love ’. When the man walks off, Nanny Pam tells me that he’s just a ‘harmless perv’. I say, ‘I hate him’. Nanny Pam laughs, but I mean it.

12pm

We have our Pot Noodles and share a Kit Kat for lunch. Nanny Pam gives me £2 to spend while she looks after the stall. I buy a pig, because I’ve started collecting them; this one is a biscuit jar that has a dirty bib on saying, ‘Greedy Fat Pig’. When I come back, I ask Nanny Pam how much she wants for the Chimpanzee cards, and she gives me them for free.

Nanny Pam goes off and comes back with something called a Lazy Susan, and some Tarot Cards.

4pm

We’re having a chippy tea to celebrate all our hard work; we use the Lazy Susan to pass each other the curry sauce. After we’ve put the bags in the bin, I ask Nanny Pam if she can read my tarot cards while we eat our choc ices.

She says I need to ask them a question, so, in my head, I ask if Tom from school fancies me. I pull out a card with a Sun on it. Nanny Pam tells me it means that love is on the horizon, but I have to read lots of books, wait ten years, and make her a coffee before it comes.

8pm

We watch Antiques Road Show. Nanny Pam always tries to guess how much the stuff is. Then when they reveal it, she say’s things like, ‘He’s had his pants pulled down there’. I think that in twenty years time, I’ll go on with my pig collection, which Grandad says should be worth at least £250 by then.

WIZARDY WAYNE

10am

I’m going to a party at the community centre. Sophie asked if I could come at school yesterday, because Zoe is on holiday, and Natalie broke her arm at Drayton Manor Park.

This is my first party of the year that has been outside my house, with people that aren’t just my Mum and Dads friends, and there is going to be a magician! It’s also fancy dress, which mum is annoyed about because she only has this morning to find an outfit.

12pm

I’m going to the party in my Halloween outfit, which is Wednesday Addams. I wear my long black velvet skirt and mum plaits my hair, then I put fake blood down my lips, because I had some that needed using up.

Mum tells me Tom’s mum said he would be at the party too. I say, 'I don’t care', but I do, because I want him to see me outside of school in my costume.

1pm

When I get to the party, I’m so pleased I’ve gone as Wednesday Addams, because everyone else is dressed as the Spice Girls, apart from Tom and Sam who are dressed as Noel and Liam Gallagher.

1.30pm

Wizardy Wayne asks if any one can tear up a packet of cigarette papers with their hands. I think Tom would really like it if he could see how strong I am, so I put my hand up. I can’t do it, and Wizardy Wayne laughs. Then everyone else laughs, even Tom. This makes me feel really hot and red. Wizardy Wayne says Abracadabra and tears them up himself.

All the other tricks are rubbish too. There are no rabbits or saws, and the best bit was when he tore the Yellow Pages in half, but that was just Sellotaped together.

3pm

Dad picks me up from the party and I tell him that I hate Wizardy Wayne, I hate Sophie and I hate everyone from school.

Dad says Wizardy Wayne will probably be locked up in a few years, and that he saw Sophie’s dad down the chippy, and he’s a miserable fat old fart, and that there’s no hiding from genetics. And best of all I can have Monday of school to help him dig clay from the brook for a sculpture he’s building. 

THE BURGLARY

9am

It’s Saturday morning and my sister, Jenny, and me are mixing a packet of coco pops and a packet of cornflakes together from the end of a selection box, so one of us doesn’t have to just eat cornflakes.

Usually at this time on Saturday we see our neighbour’s Kyle and Toby walk past the living room window. They are the same age as my sister, and me, and on Saturday mornings they go to Karate, Tennis and Scouts. Jenny and me see them walk past six times in total, because we are watching our programs on the T.V. by the window the whole time.

This week they don’t walk past though, because they have gone on holiday to Wales, and we are looking after their house.

11am

Mum and me go round to Kyle and Toby’s house to feed their cat, Mr. Percy, and open the curtains. I go up to Kyle’s room. I love going into to Kyle’s room when he’s not there, because usually I’m not allowed to touch his things.

In between the Blue Peter Tracey Island and Karate trophies on Kyle’s shelf, there is a rock band made out of eggshells. I swap the guitar and keyboard player around, and go back downstairs to stroke Mr. Percy.

2pm

I’m watching the end of my Aladdin video, when some men walk past the living room window with a T.V. and camcorder on top of Kyle and Toby's sofa. I think they must be back from their holiday early and that their mum and dad are getting some stuff moved.

5pm

Mum comes back from giving Mr Percy his evening meal, and I hear her say to dad that the neighbours have been burgled. I tell Mum I saw some men moving stuff from their house earlier and that I thought they were back from Wales. Mum says I shouldn’t ever tell this to Kyle and Toby or their Mum and Dad.

6pm

Jenny and me play You’ve Been Framed by going down the stairs on our mattress and pretending to video it; at the end of the game we get £200 of fake money from our toy post office and post it through our letter box.

CHRISTMAS EVE

8am

Mum and Dad are in bed. Me, my sister, Jenny and little brother, Josh are watching Christmas cartoons, while  I cook us all some satsuma segments on the radiator.

We are all sat on the floor in front of the T.V, because mum and dad had a Christmas party the night before, and there is a man asleep on the sofa.

9am

I sit on the edge of the coffee table and stare at the man. He is wearing jeans and a Smiths t-shirt. He opens one eye, says a rude word, and tells me to turn the TV down.

When both his eyes are open, I tell him he’s at my Mum and Dad’s house, and then introduce him to my brother and sister.

I ask him lots of questions, like: Does he have a house? Does he have kids? What does he want for Christmas? Does he like Satsuma’s? Has he ever seen a ghost?

10am

Mum and Dad say Jenny and me are allowed to go to the newsagents down the road to do our Christmas shopping.

There is a car boot sale outside the shops and we find Mum the perfect present; it is a glittery Father Christmas to hang on the tree. We call him Gary Glitter Father Christmas.

12pm

I show Dad Gary Glitter Father Christmas, and he helps me build a sleigh for him out of wood in the garage.

I’m so excited about Mum’s present and Christmas tomorrow I run around the house singing ‘I’m so excited, and I just can’t hide it…’

3pm

We drive to Granddad’s house. We have been seeing a lot more of Granddad lately. He has moved five doors up the road from Nanny Pam with his new wife Candy. Candy wears white suits with gold shoes, and always has pink lipstick on her teeth.

Granddad gives me a Marbie doll for Christmas. Marbie looks like Barbie but has a lot more make-up on and wears less clothes.

4pm

We walk down the road to Nanny Pams house. Nanny Pam has the best Christmas lights on the whole street. There is a blow up Father Christmas on the lawn that reaches Nanny Pam’s bedroom widow, some reindeer on the roof, and a singing Christmas tree on the doorstep.

Every Christmas Eve Nanny Pam’s ex boyfriend, Jim, hand delivers Nanny Pam a Christmas card, and then runs off before Nanny Pam can open the door. I feel sorry for Jim and every year I think next year I will wait outside for him to say hello, but then I forget about him.

6pm

We get home and put mince pies and sherry out for Father Christmas. I usually like to leave a Cadbury’s mini roll out as well, so he can have a choice.

SATURDAY NIGHT

7pm
Mum and dad are going to the pub and my cousin Leanne has come round to babysit. When mum and Dad have gone, Leanne puts my dads stereo on and plays Mum's Toni Braxton CD. She stops it after every sentence and writes down the lyrics. This annoys me because usually when Mum puts on Toni Braxton, I like to think about a boy called Tom from my class at school, and look out the window, and try and cry like they do in the music videos.

7.30pm
I go upstairs and me and Jenny decide to play a game called IRA. We put tights on our heads and I wear my dad's Parka Jacket. Dad has hidden his air rifle again, but me and Jenny find it at the top of the airing cupboard. It's my turn to be captured so I lie on the floor and put a pair of pants in my mouth, Jenny points the gun at me and asks me to surrender or she will blow up the whole of Eastern Green. I try and shout 'never'. Then Leanne comes in, she looks scared and like she might cry. We say the gun hasn't got any bullets in, but she still tells us off. She makes us close our eyes and spin round while she hides it again.

 9pm
Leanne's boyfriend Swany Kid comes round, I like him, he drives a motorbike with lots of mirrors on, and has long hair. He can also play Wonderwall by banging his head with his fists and opening his mouth. I sit down next to him and Leanne. He lets me drink the foam at the top of his can if beer. It's disgusting but I say I really like it. Leanne tells me to go to bed.

Jenny says the gun is under mum and dads bed, we go and get it to keep it safe.

 11pm
Mum and Dad come back, and I can hear Leanne telling them that we are asleep. I jump off the top bunk and run downstairs. Dad has bought a kebab back, I sit at the table with him and he gives me a piece of the spicy flappy meat.

THE PARTY

8am
It's my birthday, and Dad puts my hair in a special style for school. He puts it in a really high ponytail and gels the sides to my head, leaving two bits down at the front, which we put more gel on. I love my hair like this so much. It looks really shiny and spiky.

9am
Because we spent so long on my hair style, I'm late for school and I don't look at where my feet are going and I step in a dog poo.

10am
When I get into school, the teacher says I can sit on the birthday chair. The birthday chair is a rocking chair with a velvet foot rest and I'm so excited about sitting on it that I forget all about the dog poo and it gets in the velvet, and my teacher asks me why I didn't tell her? Everyone holds their nose, while my teacher takes my shoes off, and I'm not allowed on the chair anymore.

1pm
It's lunchtime at school. I have a pair of boys trainers on from the tramp box in the lost property cupboard.

The caretaker Mr Haywood is putting some sawdust on a pile of sick in the playground. I really like Mr Haywood, he only has one leg but that doesn't stop him doing things like cleaning the school. I tell him about my Birthday party later on and ask if he'd like to come, he says he'll think about it.

4pm
Nanny Pam comes round to help Mum get ready for my party. We make a cheesy pineapple hedgehog together and I help lay the party rings out and mix the angel delight. Mum covers everything in foil ready for when my friends come.

While I am waiting for my friends to arrive, I open some of my cards and presents. There is a card off Grandad that has a pint of beer and a football on, saying 'Happy Birthday...it's your round'.

5pm
My friends come and we sit around the the table to have some tea. I have a ham sandwich that I know Nanny Pam has made because it has her finger print in it. Dad shouts at me to stop showing off when I put four whole monster munch feet in my mouth without breaking them, but I am happy because I have broken my cousin Amy's world record.

6pm
Dad puts on a new CD he bought at the weekend in town. It's a band called Radiohead. We play pass the parcel to it and when it runs out we play musical statues to Dad's favourite band, called The Smiths.

A VISIT FROM GRANDDAD

10am:

Sharky and George is on the telly. Me and my sister Jenny are eating coco pops from a variety pack.  Mum tells us to pour the milk straight into the packets to save on washing up a bowl. The phone rings and I run over to it. I love answering the phone, especially if it’s Nanny Pam.

‘Hello, who is it?’

‘Which one are you?’ a man asks. It’s Grandad.

11am:

Once every year and a bit, Granddad makes a surprise visit to our house. I like Grandad, I’m just shy of him because I don’t know him very well, and his aftershave smells like beef.

One time we all hid behind the sofa until he went away.

2pm:

Granddad arrives and I hide in the airing cupboard until mum makes me come out.

It’s July.  My birthday is in December but Grandad has bought a huge pile of presents for Jenny and me.  All the presents are boxes of cherry liqueurs. Mum says we might be allowed one a night and only at the weekend as they are alcoholic.  Granddad says they go out of date next week.

3pm:

Grandad takes us all outside to look in his car boot; this is my favorite part of his visits, because there are always different things to look at.

This time there are more boxes of cherry liqueurs, broken video players and ornaments of pigs doing human things like playing golf or sunbathing. He pulls out a video from the foot well and gives it to Jenny, it’s an American cartoon called ‘Jem’, and the case smells like salt and vinegar crisps and cheese. I’m allowed to choose a pig so I pick one that is loading a washing machine.

4pm: 

Mum makes Grandad gammon and chips.  He starts telling her about his ex wife being a robbin’ bitch, and that he should never have left Nanny Pam.

Grandad asks me what my cat is called. I say ‘Tosca’, and he asks why would I call a cat Tosser? Then puts his cigarette out in his fried egg.

My Dad gets up and says he needs to take the car to be washed and asks if I want to go with him. Dad only ever washes his car when Grandad’s here.

6pm: 

When we get back Grandad has gone. Me and Jenny  make things up about things we saw Grandad do.  She said she saw him take a bite out of a block of cheddar in the fridge.  I say I saw him wipe a bogey on her pillow. Jenny makes me smell the video he gave her, and mum lets us have a cherry liqueur each.