THE WEDDING: PART ONE

3.30pm

Dad’s picking us up from school, because he hasn’t got a job anymore. He’s stood at the back of the playground and is dragging his foot along the tarmac to try and get something off his shoe.

I walk up to Dad; he’s really red and angry and is blaming standing in dog crap on Margaret Thatcher. 

We get in car. Dad gets pooh all over his hand when he tries to take his shoe off. He tells Jenny she’ll have to do the gears while he sticks his hand out of the sunroof. Jenny’s used to doing the gears. Sometimes she sits on Dad’s knee and helps drive back from Nanny Pam’s house, when I’m eleven I’ll be allowed to help drive too.

I love it when Dad picks me up from school; he plays his tapes really loud in the car and everyone looks at us. Even though Dad’s got his hand stuck out the sunroof with dog crap on it, I pretend I’m in a music video by resting my arm on the window and looking moody, just in case Tom from my class walks past.

4pm

When we drive up to our house we notice that Grandad’s car is parked outside, Dad says, ‘Bollocks’. Sometimes when we see Grandad’s car parked outside we drive off until he’s gone. Last time, we hid round the back of the Happy Shopper eating crisps until it was safe to go back. This time, Mum’s already let him in, and Dad needs to wash his hand, so there’s no escape.

When we walk in Grandad looks at Dad who’s holding his hand in the air and trying not to touch anything.

Grandad says, ‘Is that shit on your hand, you bloody idiot’.

Jenny whispers to me, ‘Grandads a bloody idiot’.

Dad tells her off for swearing.

Grandad and Candy have come round to talk about my Aunty Mandy’s wedding tomorrow. He says he’s written a speech that will help him get a few things off his chest about this family. Mum has her head in her hands.

5pm

Grandad gets up to leave, Dad shakes his hand and says, ‘Good luck tomorrow, mate’. When he’s gone, Dad tells us he used his dog pooh hand to shake Grandad’s. Me and Jenny laugh our heads off.

7pm

My Aunty Mandy has come round, and Me and Jenny are spying on her and Mum in the kitchen. Mandy’s smoking and crying, and Mum is eating a Penguin.

Mandy says she doesn’t think she can marry a man who eats a McDonalds on a plate with knife and fork, and say’s, ‘Sorry, love’ every time he farts.

Mum asks, ‘What do you call a happy penguin?’

Mandy says, ‘Fuck off, you’re not even listening’  

I whisper to Jenny, ‘A Pen-grin’

9pm

Jenny’s says she’s happy that the wedding might be off, because she hates wearing dresses, and says being a bridesmaid is child labour and against her beliefs.

I tell her that I’m happy too, but I’m not. I really want to be a bridesmaid tomorrow. Nanny Pam has even promised to come round in the morning, and curl my hair with her hot rollers. 

I go into Mum and Dad’s room and cry while looking in the mirror like they do in music videos…

…..To Be Continued

NEVER SEEN THE SEA

2pm

My teacher Mrs. Woods has sent Alan out of the class, for calling her an arse hole.

2.05pm

When you get sent out of class you’re meant to wait outside and face the wall, but when Mrs. Woods goes to tell Alan to come back in, he’s gone.

I don’t know why Mrs. Woods bothers sending Alan out any more; he just legs it.

2.10pm

Mrs. Woods tells me to go and look for Alan, because I’m the only one he talks to when he’s in one of his moods.

 People don’t really like Alan. He gets quite angry about things, and Natalie said that his mum came into school with a knife once. I don’t mind him though; he hates school even more than I do. And he does funny things like eating pages from his workbook and saying they taste like prawn cocktail crisps.

2.15pm

I look in all the usual spots for Alan. Last time, he was in the craft cupboard sticking glitter and googly eyes to his school jumper.

This time he’s lying on the school field with his top off and his hands behind his head. I walk up to him and ask, ‘Are you coming in Alan?’

He tells me to piss off, but I sit down next to him anyway.

 He says, ‘I’m trying to get a suntan’

I tell him that I got a tan last year on holiday in Majorca, and that I’m not sure you can get one in Coventry, in February.

He tells me that he’s never been on holiday, not even in England. He’s never seen the sea!

2.20pm

I lie down next to Alan; we close our eyes and pretend we’re on a holiday. I tell him the beach is like the sandpit in the Infant’s playground, but much bigger and with less cat shit in it.

He says that he wants to go to the Caribbean, because he saw Mr. Motivator exercising on a beach there on GMTV, and he had a Bounty at his Nan’s once.

2.25pm

I tell Alan that we should go back inside. He stands up and puts his jumper back on, it's covered in red glitter and googly eyes.

We walk back to our classroom together.