CHRISTMAS EVE

8am

Mum and Dad are in bed. Me, my sister, Jenny and little brother, Josh are watching Christmas cartoons, while  I cook us all some satsuma segments on the radiator.

We are all sat on the floor in front of the T.V, because mum and dad had a Christmas party the night before, and there is a man asleep on the sofa.

9am

I sit on the edge of the coffee table and stare at the man. He is wearing jeans and a Smiths t-shirt. He opens one eye, says a rude word, and tells me to turn the TV down.

When both his eyes are open, I tell him he’s at my Mum and Dad’s house, and then introduce him to my brother and sister.

I ask him lots of questions, like: Does he have a house? Does he have kids? What does he want for Christmas? Does he like Satsuma’s? Has he ever seen a ghost?

10am

Mum and Dad say Jenny and me are allowed to go to the newsagents down the road to do our Christmas shopping.

There is a car boot sale outside the shops and we find Mum the perfect present; it is a glittery Father Christmas to hang on the tree. We call him Gary Glitter Father Christmas.

12pm

I show Dad Gary Glitter Father Christmas, and he helps me build a sleigh for him out of wood in the garage.

I’m so excited about Mum’s present and Christmas tomorrow I run around the house singing ‘I’m so excited, and I just can’t hide it…’

3pm

We drive to Granddad’s house. We have been seeing a lot more of Granddad lately. He has moved five doors up the road from Nanny Pam with his new wife Candy. Candy wears white suits with gold shoes, and always has pink lipstick on her teeth.

Granddad gives me a Marbie doll for Christmas. Marbie looks like Barbie but has a lot more make-up on and wears less clothes.

4pm

We walk down the road to Nanny Pams house. Nanny Pam has the best Christmas lights on the whole street. There is a blow up Father Christmas on the lawn that reaches Nanny Pam’s bedroom widow, some reindeer on the roof, and a singing Christmas tree on the doorstep.

Every Christmas Eve Nanny Pam’s ex boyfriend, Jim, hand delivers Nanny Pam a Christmas card, and then runs off before Nanny Pam can open the door. I feel sorry for Jim and every year I think next year I will wait outside for him to say hello, but then I forget about him.

6pm

We get home and put mince pies and sherry out for Father Christmas. I usually like to leave a Cadbury’s mini roll out as well, so he can have a choice.

SATURDAY NIGHT

7pm
Mum and dad are going to the pub and my cousin Leanne has come round to babysit. When mum and Dad have gone, Leanne puts my dads stereo on and plays Mum's Toni Braxton CD. She stops it after every sentence and writes down the lyrics. This annoys me because usually when Mum puts on Toni Braxton, I like to think about a boy called Tom from my class at school, and look out the window, and try and cry like they do in the music videos.

7.30pm
I go upstairs and me and Jenny decide to play a game called IRA. We put tights on our heads and I wear my dad's Parka Jacket. Dad has hidden his air rifle again, but me and Jenny find it at the top of the airing cupboard. It's my turn to be captured so I lie on the floor and put a pair of pants in my mouth, Jenny points the gun at me and asks me to surrender or she will blow up the whole of Eastern Green. I try and shout 'never'. Then Leanne comes in, she looks scared and like she might cry. We say the gun hasn't got any bullets in, but she still tells us off. She makes us close our eyes and spin round while she hides it again.

 9pm
Leanne's boyfriend Swany Kid comes round, I like him, he drives a motorbike with lots of mirrors on, and has long hair. He can also play Wonderwall by banging his head with his fists and opening his mouth. I sit down next to him and Leanne. He lets me drink the foam at the top of his can if beer. It's disgusting but I say I really like it. Leanne tells me to go to bed.

Jenny says the gun is under mum and dads bed, we go and get it to keep it safe.

 11pm
Mum and Dad come back, and I can hear Leanne telling them that we are asleep. I jump off the top bunk and run downstairs. Dad has bought a kebab back, I sit at the table with him and he gives me a piece of the spicy flappy meat.

THE PARTY

8am
It's my birthday, and Dad puts my hair in a special style for school. He puts it in a really high ponytail and gels the sides to my head, leaving two bits down at the front, which we put more gel on. I love my hair like this so much. It looks really shiny and spiky.

9am
Because we spent so long on my hair style, I'm late for school and I don't look at where my feet are going and I step in a dog poo.

10am
When I get into school, the teacher says I can sit on the birthday chair. The birthday chair is a rocking chair with a velvet foot rest and I'm so excited about sitting on it that I forget all about the dog poo and it gets in the velvet, and my teacher asks me why I didn't tell her? Everyone holds their nose, while my teacher takes my shoes off, and I'm not allowed on the chair anymore.

1pm
It's lunchtime at school. I have a pair of boys trainers on from the tramp box in the lost property cupboard.

The caretaker Mr Haywood is putting some sawdust on a pile of sick in the playground. I really like Mr Haywood, he only has one leg but that doesn't stop him doing things like cleaning the school. I tell him about my Birthday party later on and ask if he'd like to come, he says he'll think about it.

4pm
Nanny Pam comes round to help Mum get ready for my party. We make a cheesy pineapple hedgehog together and I help lay the party rings out and mix the angel delight. Mum covers everything in foil ready for when my friends come.

While I am waiting for my friends to arrive, I open some of my cards and presents. There is a card off Grandad that has a pint of beer and a football on, saying 'Happy Birthday...it's your round'.

5pm
My friends come and we sit around the the table to have some tea. I have a ham sandwich that I know Nanny Pam has made because it has her finger print in it. Dad shouts at me to stop showing off when I put four whole monster munch feet in my mouth without breaking them, but I am happy because I have broken my cousin Amy's world record.

6pm
Dad puts on a new CD he bought at the weekend in town. It's a band called Radiohead. We play pass the parcel to it and when it runs out we play musical statues to Dad's favourite band, called The Smiths.

A VISIT FROM GRANDDAD

10am:

Sharky and George is on the telly. Me and my sister Jenny are eating coco pops from a variety pack.  Mum tells us to pour the milk straight into the packets to save on washing up a bowl. The phone rings and I run over to it. I love answering the phone, especially if it’s Nanny Pam.

‘Hello, who is it?’

‘Which one are you?’ a man asks. It’s Grandad.

11am:

Once every year and a bit, Granddad makes a surprise visit to our house. I like Grandad, I’m just shy of him because I don’t know him very well, and his aftershave smells like beef.

One time we all hid behind the sofa until he went away.

2pm:

Granddad arrives and I hide in the airing cupboard until mum makes me come out.

It’s July.  My birthday is in December but Grandad has bought a huge pile of presents for Jenny and me.  All the presents are boxes of cherry liqueurs. Mum says we might be allowed one a night and only at the weekend as they are alcoholic.  Granddad says they go out of date next week.

3pm:

Grandad takes us all outside to look in his car boot; this is my favorite part of his visits, because there are always different things to look at.

This time there are more boxes of cherry liqueurs, broken video players and ornaments of pigs doing human things like playing golf or sunbathing. He pulls out a video from the foot well and gives it to Jenny, it’s an American cartoon called ‘Jem’, and the case smells like salt and vinegar crisps and cheese. I’m allowed to choose a pig so I pick one that is loading a washing machine.

4pm: 

Mum makes Grandad gammon and chips.  He starts telling her about his ex wife being a robbin’ bitch, and that he should never have left Nanny Pam.

Grandad asks me what my cat is called. I say ‘Tosca’, and he asks why would I call a cat Tosser? Then puts his cigarette out in his fried egg.

My Dad gets up and says he needs to take the car to be washed and asks if I want to go with him. Dad only ever washes his car when Grandad’s here.

6pm: 

When we get back Grandad has gone. Me and Jenny  make things up about things we saw Grandad do.  She said she saw him take a bite out of a block of cheddar in the fridge.  I say I saw him wipe a bogey on her pillow. Jenny makes me smell the video he gave her, and mum lets us have a cherry liqueur each. 

SUMMER HOLIDAYS

9am:

I'm dropped off at Nanny Pam's house. The TV is on, and she is watching the Sunset Beach omnibus, Nanny Pam is the only person I know who watches Channel Five. I ask her if I can have a chicken and mushroom Potnoodle, I make it, then sit down next to her to watch TV. I wonder why Annie slapped Marie for sleeping with Ben. I ask if I can drink the last bit of Potnoodle. Nanny Pam says she doesn't mind, as it would save on washing up a spoon.

11am:
Nanny Pam asks if I would like to go for a drive.
I ask if we could go past the house that had the fire on the estate. We drive past houses with sofas, fridges and washing machines on the front lawns. Nanny Pam tells me how lucky I am that I don't have a fridge on my front lawn.

11.30am:
We stand outside the burnt out house, and make guesses at what caused the fire. Nanny Pam says the daughter was on drugs and that maybe she left the hair dryer on because she was on drugs, or maybe she put a hot tea bag in the bin. I think about this for a while. I say maybe it was a chip pan fire, or the dad fell asleep with a fag in his hand like Granda does sometimes.

12.00pm:
We sit in the Central Six Outlet car park and have a jacket potato from Mr.Spuds. Dad said Mr.Spud once had a screw driver put through his head in a nightclub, I look for the mark when he bends over to take the beans out of the microwave.

12.30pm:
Nanny Pam asks if I'd like to look around a Barrats show home this afernoon, Nanny Pam isn't moving house but she does like to look around a lot of other people's

12.45pm:
We look around the show home and the man says, 'Nice to see you again Pamela'. Nanny Pam tells me she wouldn't have chosen that worktop, and that her friend Sheila's new build always has blocked toilets.

2.00pm:
We get back to the house and I play with my aunty's old dolls. I make Barbie slap Cindy for sleeping with Ken. I notice Sue, the lady who lives opposite Nanny Pam, is looking at me through her living room window. I wave at her, but
she pretends she is dusting. Nanny Pam says that Sue is her best friend but that she is a nosey cow, and she is probably trying to look at her new three piece suite.

4.00pm:
Nanny Pam says I can have whatever I want for dinner, from the big freezer in the garage, I choose a Findus crispy pancake with some garlic bread. When I finish Nanny Pam gives me a big slice of Mint Vienetta, I think how lucky I am to be having such a lovely dinner.

5.00pm
Nanny Pam's husband Colin comes in from work. He gives Nanny Pam a box of Ferrero Roche, I think that he must really love Nanny Pam, he says I can have one and I save the wrapper for proof when I see my sister later.